118. Never Feel Lonely Again!

This week, Eric & Kate tackle a state of being that Eric LOVES, and that Kate has only connected to recently: Being Alone.

Topics:

➡️ The thoughts we have about being alone

➡️ The difference between being alone, and loneliness

➡️ How knowing yourself benefits your relationships

➡️ Reconnecting to your sense of Autonomy

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Eric MacDougall
Today, we're talking about this idea of loneliness, and probably more accurate, we're talking about being alone.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, I should have sang the song at the beginning. Lonely, I'm so lonely. I think it's very relevant to sing a song right now.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I think, you know, we want to frame this because it's really important that we kind of deconstruct these belief systems that we have about being alone, and how we need to bring awareness to that and kind of flip the way we think about being alone in order to not only benefit our lives, but also help us feel better and move towards more of what we want.

Kate MacDougall
Yes, exactly. I think we have this very, like negative idea of what being alone means, you know, when we're single, it's like, I'm so sick and tired of being alone, I need to find somebody, and then you find somebody and you think it's gonna fix all of this alone, as you feel like Oh, I'm no longer alone, I, I'm in a relationship, I'm no longer ever going to be alone, I have kids. It's like, you think that you've, you know, reached this moment of like, I'm never going to be alone. But by having those relationships, and by finding yourself, like, finding that, that cure to your loneliness, by finding people to fill that void, you essentially create more problems for yourself. Yeah. And I think, you know, we might have listeners there who are listening to this and are saying, you know, like, actually, that's not true. Like, I love being alone.

Eric MacDougall
And yes, like, a lot of people really enjoy being alone, when you're saying like, Oh, I dread being single, I know, people who love beings. And yeah, like, they absolutely love it, you know what I mean? Yeah. And to that being in a relationship is like dread. Yeah. And it's really important to stand. So there's these two foundational drives within all of us as human beings. And what is the drive for togetherness, right to belong, to be with others to have that connection, whether it's in a monogamous relationship, a small group, a community, etc, you have a drive for togetherness. The other drive is the drive for autonomy, right to be an individual to hold on to yourself to be different. And we have both of these drives in us. And, you know, based on the way we think, what we were led to believe, what situation we're in what we long for, etc, we will be driven to push towards one or the other at different times of our lives. And so the idea here is to really create awareness about that and understand which one is it you're driving towards? And that too much of one or too much of the other is actually quite unhealthy. Right? And so you kind of bring it back to what we were saying about people who dislike being alone, what what's happening is for them, they long for togetherness, right? So they're not seeing it as a benefits of like, oh, like, I can learn how to be autonomous, I can create a healthy relation myself. They're just like, I am lacking togetherness, therefore, I need it. I'm starved of it. Right. And I think it's also what you do with your time alone, right? Like, you could be alone and sit there the whole time and be like, I'm alone. But, you know, if you're not doing the proper things when you are alone.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, it can become lonely. But there are ways to be alone, and to actually fight that loneliness and to learn to be with yourself. And being with yourself is probably one of the healthiest things for your relationship. Yeah, absolutely. And it's a big reason that you and I have been able to create a relationship that's quite differentiated, right, is that we have really cultivated our own solid sense of self, right, our own sense of autonomy, within the relationship. Yeah. Now there was a time and in some aspects of relationship still, right. But there was a time when we were totally emotionally fused. That,

Eric MacDougall
you know, we felt like we couldn't be autonomous because somehow it would create discomfort in our partner, it would shake things up in a relationship, it would mess things up, screw things up, whatever. So and this is very common, right? If you think about it, as couples, we have this idea like, Oh, I'd love to go do things myself. I'd love to go hang out with the boys. I'd like to go have a girls night, whatever. But it's going to have a negative impact on my partner can't leave my partner with the kids. It's gonna be exhausting for them. So what do I do? I sacrifice my own sense of autonomy, in order to stay at in this kind of relationship that benefits our partner and in a sense the system, right. And so I don't want to go too deep into that. But what I do want everyone to understand is that the way that you think about being alone is really going to define your experience of it.

Kate MacDougall
Right, exactly. So the more negative connotation you put to being alone, the harder it is for you to push through that loneliness and to try something new and to not be afraid of finding yourself, you know, alone. Yeah, I know, for myself, especially especially after having kids, before kids, like I actually enjoyed being alone. Because a lot of times, we had a very, like, very busy, very social life, we were always out with friends. So there was some nights where like, you'd be at work, and I'd be home alone. And I'd be like, Oh, my God, like, I just want to sit down and put my feet up and do nothing. But after having kids, it was like, I wasn't used to being alone anymore. I was used to either you being around or being with kids. And still to this day, I find it hard to leave you or leave the kids. And to go and do something for myself, be alone with myself. And because you know, like our oldest is almost nine and our youngest is six, like that's, that's a lot of years for me to lose myself as a person like so. I spent a lot of times relying on being with the babies being with you being with the kids, and not really getting to know, Kate as a 31 year old, 32 year old, a three year old and here I am growing older and different and my life is changing around me. But I have I had lost that sense of who I was. If you were like, What are your favorite pastimes? I'd be like I had like being a mom being a teacher. Like, it's like no way. Like, that's not a pastime, like what do you like to do? When you're alone? And I had no idea. I had no hobbies, I had nothing other than you and the kids.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And when you I agree to a lot of what you're saying. And I think a lot of people fall into this. And there's a few things that I want to recognize here. Number one, if you were raised in a family, or if the belief system was essentially instilled in you, that being alone was bad, or that being together with others was what was championed all the time.You might fall into the idea that like, hey, being alone is not good. Being alone means I'm lonely. You know, I think about some terms like, oh, you're a loner, you know, you're not a friends, you're a loser. Like this idea of like, people who are alone. If you see people eating lunch alone, at a restaurant, there's something wrong with right, there's something wrong with them. You know, I remember even in our relationship when I was like, I'm going to movies on my own, you're like, like with no one. And I was like, yeah, like, what are other people going through? Exactly right. And you're like, Oh, I'm gonna go out to dinner on my own and sit at a table on my own and have a great dinner like that. That's so weird. Like, you can't do that. Yeah, you don't I mean, it's socially unacceptable. Yeah. But what I was doing was I was cultivating my relationship myself, I was learning to love myself as I learn to be with myself. And if you were raised in a family where that was seen as negative, you probably are going to avoid it. And this is really important, because I speak to a lot of couples, a lot of men were, you know, at worst, one partner feels trapped within the relationship. Because there's so you know, their belief system around being together is so strong. It's like you have to be in relationship, do not cultivate time by yourself. If you take time by yourself, you're bad, you're withholding love from others, like all those kinds of crazy beliefs. And what that leads to is something drastic needs to happen in order to break that system apart. And therefore the only way the partner can find their autonomy is by leaving the home, getting separated, you know, having an affair to reconnect to themselves, etc. And I'm not advocating for any of these. But what I am noticing is that, oftentimes, when we feel like we're so trapped in the system, will essentially kind of whiplash and do something really drastic, in order to shake out of it and regain our sense of autonomy.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and it does become frustrating in a relationship. Like I remember You almost like literally shaking me and being like, hey, you need to go spend time with yourself alone. Like, I can't be your only person, like go do something. Like even if it's not even with me do something with friends, like outside of this relationship. I need you to do something and not just rely on me. Because what was happening is, I was so dependent on you to entertain me. I was like, Oh my gosh, like Eric, we have to do something tonight. And then you're like, Well, I'm tired. You just want to go to bed and just like do not love me anymore. You don't want to hang out with me like, What do you mean like, and it had nothing to do with your love. For me it was the fact that you wanted to have some time alone. And I took that personally, because I wasn't comfortable with myself by myself. I wasn't comfortable with being alone. Yeah, to me, that was very negative. And it meant something about me. And it meant something about our relationship.

Eric MacDougall
And because our relationship was creating that for you, right, because I was saying, Go be alone. And you had so much resistance to that I was becoming kind of the oppressor in that moment, right. I was the one that was the bad guy, if you will, like Eric is forcing me to do something that I don't want to do. And that's not okay. What he should do is be with me and be available to me when I need him all the time. Exactly. So in order to get out of this loneliness, the first step is really just pushing through. Well, I think the first step, I agree what you're saying, and I think it's important to at some point push through, but I think the first step is choosing to think differently. Yeah, about loneliness. Yeah, right. Change your belief about being lonely, if you like, I like to say, I'm reconnecting to myself or, you know, driving towards my sense of autonomy. Like, sometimes the word alone, or the word being alone is too much for people. And so for me, I'm like, Oh, I'm learning to connect with myself, or I'm learning to do things for myself, or I'm filling my own cup is a big one, right? And so I think that's really important is just change the way you think about being alone.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and find a substitute word, like you said, you know, like if saying, I'm going to do something alone triggers you like, then say something else, I'm going to fill my cup. I'm putting the oxygen mask on, like, whatever, you know. Yeah, definitely moving past that idea of what being alone means. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And then to your point, I think the second thing then is to actually do put into action containers, where you have to create that relationship with yourself where you have to be alone, and are not just alone and distracted, right. I hear this a lot. Sometimes for men, like I got plenty of time on my own. I'm at work on my own. Yeah, that's not and it's like, well, that's not really alone. Like you're essentially working.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, right, where you can be alone and be consciously alone, not on your phone, not scrolling on your screen, running errands for your family simply not doing things for other people, just doing something for yourself. So thinking closing your eyes and thinking like, what could I do to connect with myself right now? What could I do to really hear my own thoughts, feel my own heart feel my own feelings? Like, where can I go to do that? Like a big one I know for myself is being out in nature. If I'm alone in nature, I can really shut off the world. Like sometimes I'll have headphones on no listen to things. And then I'm like, kind of get tired of it. I'm like, I'm like, I just, I just want to be in the quiet of nature. So I'll like take off my headphones. And then I can really be alone with my thoughts. Be alone with my body. And just feel into that, you know, and a lot of times what I tried doing when I am alone is thinking, Okay, what am I feeling right now? What are the discomforts? How can I move, move past this discomfort, and oftentimes the discomfort is like, I should be back home, like, I've been gone for, like, 30 minutes, like, I should probably get back home. And it's like, Nope, we're gonna sit here, and we're gonna stay for at least 30 more minutes. Yeah, you know, it's gonna be uncomfortable. And I'm gonna, but I'm gonna do something to keep my mind busy. So I'm gonna go for a walk, I'm gonna maybe walk a little faster, get my blood pumping faster.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I want to chime in here. Because I think when we're either in a relationship or a parent, right, oftentimes, we have this idea of time and attention, scarcity, right. And so immediately, what happens in those moments like you're describing is, when you're on your own, and you're doing things for yourself that are not serving others, building something, creating something for your family, you start to take on the idea that that is a withholding of love to the people you care about, right? And so it's this idea of like, you know, I'm out here taking time on my own, I'm walking in nature, but what I should be doing is being with my kids, yeah, because I'm not enough, my kids, what I should be doing is planning a date for my husband, whatever, right? And that is really important to understand that those thoughts are not actually serving you.

Kate MacDougall
Right. And to trust that. There's a lot of hours in the day, a lot of hours in a week, and all of those things can happen. You can plan a date for your husband, you can spend more time with your kids, but right now, you need to be with yourself. And I can hear it right now because I can hear myself in the past saying like you're right. Okay. Yes, thanks. Thanks, Kate nerve for that advice. I don't have any time where I can be alone. Yeah. And that's true. It was very true for me for a long time where I would come back from work. Pick up the kid from daycare.literally walk into the door, kiss her goodbye, and you'd leave? And then, you know, yeah, okay, I could have gotten a babysitter, I could have gotten, you know, my mom or a family member to watch the kids, but it's just not a sustainable thing to have people watching your kids all the time. So I had to learn to be alone around my kids. So I had to create these very safe and very, like, specific boundaries with the kids. When mommy is doing this, then you like we you have to leave me alone. Yeah, like, like, if I'm in my room and the door is closed. Yeah, that means that I need to take 10 minutes for myself Exactly. If there's an emergency, but there's something crazy going on, come and get me. A lot of times when they were younger, I do it during nap time or something where obviously, like, you can't leave a baby unattended for an hour. But, you know, you can find moments in your day where you can be alone. And it is very healthy for you to model these things for your kids, or to model these things for a spouse who might not be on the same page as you who might not be ready to take time for themselves. But to model these things and say, Hey, and that was you right? When I have my headphones on, that's a sign that I want to be alone. And so I quickly learned that, oh, Eric has his headphones on like, stop going in like, hey, hey, hey, hey, what are you doing? What are you doing? Like, and you would get frustrated? You'd be like, I'm trying to take time for myself. I'm trying to be alone here. I can't leave the house right now. It's just not the right time for me to do it. So I'm trying to be alone, while there's other people around. And it is possible as long as you set those healthy boundaries.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, absolutely. And I think the other part of it, we're not gonna go too deep on this tangent that we're talking about. But the other part is, is that you, you want to create a system where your family or the people who depend on you trust you to still care for them? Of course, right. The reason that I'm able to take time alone is because I have done it. And then it has not impacted your life in a significant way. Right? Because if if I was taking time alone, and it was three hours a day at the gym in the middle of dinner, you would be like that's having a significant impact on me. Therefore, now I don't trust that our ideas are aligned. So you taking time alone is now actually a threat to our relationship. And so if you're listening, and you think that oh, you know what, this is a great, I'm just gonna go be alone. Whatever the hell I want. Eric and Kate say it's great. No, that's not what we're saying. What we are saying is, it's very important for you to shift the way you think about being alone, from I'm lonely, I'm a loser, and nobody loves me, etc. to I am building and cultivating a healthy relationship for myself.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. Because until you get to know yourself as a person. I mean, there's so many advantages to your relationship to being alone. Yes. First off, you start to get to know yourself really well, deeply and profoundly, you're like, I know what I like, and I know what I dislike. And that helps your partner. Exactly. So when your partner's doing something that you dislike, because you know yourself. So well, you can say actually, Eric, I don't like it when you do that. Yeah, please stop.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I know that this feeling in me, yeah, is not because you're a jerk. It's because I actually don't like it when I see people display that behavior, or, you know, whatever.

Kate MacDougall
And how many times has your hopefully this happens, but how many times has your spouse come up to you and said, Is there anything I can do that would make you feel special? Or I'd love to get you a birthday gift? What can I get you? And you have no idea? I don't know? Why are you asking me that? Yeah. If you spent time alone, you would have an answer for that. That's because you truly, truly know yourself. And so as you're in a relationship, and as a couple, you often have to share thoughts. You know, we think about the kids all the time together, we think about our relationship as a unit. You know, we're always sharing thoughts. Being alone allows you to have your own thoughts and have your own mind. And when you can have your own mind, you can make your own decisions, and then you can really sit in decisions. So if somebody says, Hey, do you want to do this this weekend? You're not going to right away or jump in and say, oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, sure. It's like, I mean, sit and think about it for a little bit. And I'm gonna see if this is something that I'm going to really enjoy that I'm really going to like if this is something that's going to benefit me and my life, and then I'm going to make that decision from a very confident place. And that decision might be a note, and I'll feel confident about that. No, because I truly know myself.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, absolutely. And I think you know, one of the things that is important to remember is that if you are not are unable to create your own sense of autonomy, provide for your own needs. Understand yourself loved yourself. Like you said earlier in the episode, you know, it leads you to happiness. Say leaching, but you know, we call it borrowed, functioning, but essentially trying to get those things from your partner. And so and I see this in a lot of men, right when it comes to their partner connecting with them sexually. If you as a man, all you do is go to work, provide financial ie go home, clean the house, like essentially don't have anything in your life that's for you, where you connect to your own life, energy, your fire, you're not out there doing things for yourself, well, then the only thing that brings life energy to you is your partner. And it's actually your partner when they are a very specific way. And oftentimes, it's either when they're very flirtatious, and playful and sexual, and they're bringing that life energy, right. And so I see this a lot, where men are like, Oh, how can my partner just want to have sex with me and my whole relationships messed up. And when you start to kind of peel away the layers of the onion, it's like, oh, like, I see why this is so important to you. It's literally the only thing that makes you feel alive. Because you don't have anything else you do for yourself. It feels alive. So now you're actually in a dependent relationship with your partner, where they have to constantly feed you that their own sense of aliveness in order for you to feel good.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And how can you expect somebody to love you? If you don't even know how to love yourself? How can you expect somebody to show up for you, if you don't even know how to show up for yourself. And being alone is going to give you the opportunity to get to know yourself in a very deep way. And to be able to share with a partner how they can love, you better share with a partner how they can show up for you better, because you truly know that this, I can't know myself enough. And this is what I need to be loved. This is what I need to fill up. Oftentimes in our relationship, you'd ask me questions, really deep questions, you know, like, what can I do more of, you know, what can I start doing? What can I stop doing? What can I continue doing in our relationship? And I don't have the answer. And I truly don't have the answer. Because I haven't taken the time, in a long time to sit with myself and really get to know myself. And who's Kate, this month? Because you might say, oh, yeah, you know, I, I spent some time alone last summer. No, like, you need to often spend time with yourself. Because things happen in your life, you grow and you change constantly. So having that constant relationship with yourself where you can check in and make sure you know, am I still enjoying this? Are things still going well in my life? Is there things that I need to change, really having that time alone to figure out those big questions are going to help you serve your relationships so much better, because you're going to be able to share that with your partner, and then your partner is going to be able to, you know, serve you better as a partner?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I absolutely love that. And even beyond just the relationship, right, it's actually going to have you living a much more dialed in focused and fulfilling life, like you're probably going to do more of the work you love to do, you're gonna spend time with people you enjoy, you're going to, because what's going to happen is, you're going to get very clear on what you enjoy and what you don't, right. And so then you're actually going to, just like we have in our own life, you're going to start to create a life based on the things you love. Because you understand yourself at a deeper level than what annoys you and what irritates you.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And it's not always easy at first. But the more you do it, the easier it becomes you have to push through that discomfort. And definitely once you start doing it, it definitely becomes easier.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. So if you take anything from this episode, right? Think about reframing this idea of being alone, from, you know, I'm a loser, I'm lonely and all that stuff, too. I'm building my own solid sense of self, I'm connecting to myself and getting to know myself, and then create containers in your life. So you can do this, right? Yes, it might be uncomfortable at first, but do it anyways. And over time, you're gonna build that confidence, you're gonna learn to be on your own and you're no longer going to be starved to want to be with people constantly.