121. Hitting the Snooze Button on your Relationship

In this week's episode, Kate and Eric share how they have been disconnected from each other, and how easy it is to keep that cycle going (even though it can get unhealthy).

Topics:

➡️ How avoiding your challenges only makes it feel worse

➡️ Why it's so easy to put your connection on hold

➡️ The easiest way to get the ball rolling again on your connection

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Kate MacDougall
We're talking about how relationships sometimes get tough. And most of the times when they get tough, we put it on snooze.

Eric MacDougall
Oh, yes. Yeah, the snooze button. And we're gonna talk a little bit about our experience with this. Yeah. So I've been snoozing. In a way. So we wanted to bring up this idea because Kate and I wanted to kind of share a glimpse into our personal relationship of what's been going on our life. So we're traveling with kids. Yes, we're together in a trailer. And we have not been as intentional with our connection in our relationship.

Kate MacDougall
It's not easy when you're in a strange place with two kids...

Eric MacDougall
beside all the justifications that we're gonna make, why we do what we're doing. Right? Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing.

Kate MacDougall
I think it happens to every couple no matter how healthy you are. There's some times in your relationship where it probably just kind of hits a

Eric MacDougall
right. And I think that's what we want us to open up about, which was over the last month, maybe three weeks? Yeah, we have prioritized comfort and ease over connection. Yeah. Is that fair to say?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And I think, you know, for me, because we're in the trailer, because we're around the kids, because we're visiting all these places, you know, I feel like I'm already putting myself out there a lot. The stress is a little higher, because we're having to drive here and there. You know, we're visiting places, I don't know if it's going to be like the, my stress is already a little high, despite being on vacation. And so I'm like, well, there's things I know I need to deal with Bama just hit snooze on that and deal with it when it becomes a bigger problem. But what are some of those things? Well, like the fact that we're not connecting the fact that we're not really having fun together. We're not really connecting in a fun way. If we are talking, we're usually talking about things that are going well in our life. We're talking about your work my work that kids it's very busy travel plan the plans. Yeah, we're like, let's go through the agenda. Like we're like coworkers right? Now, honestly, that's how that's and I told you that, like, that's how I feel like we've been this vacation was like coworkers, right? To me, is that kind of coworker that's kind of fun to talk to you once in a while. But like, you do your thing. I'll do mine. And like, it's just because I know that in the back. There's things that we need to deal with. And I'm like, I don't want to bring this up. Because what if it causes a fight? What if it adds more stress? What if it causes stress to him? What if it causes more stress for me like, so I'm just gonna not talk about it.

Eric MacDougall
Right. And this is really important when you're saying because, you know, for me that the thought you have around this, these things we have to deal with, like even when you say that there's a deal with it's kind of a heaviness. Yeah, does not sound enjoyable, does not know. And I think that's only because, you know, I want to say I want to say you but also add me here so I can say we but in this case, it's really because of we've kind of put as if we I just don't want to make this only about you like I'm accusing you, but I'm gonna go ahead and use you. Okay, you go ahead and use me. So I think the reason that this feels like such a heavy burden, like this thing we need to deal with and I'm trying to avoid is because you've kind of put it on the backburner

Kate MacDougall
for a little longer than a month. Yeah. And

Eric MacDougall
now your your thought of what that is, is actually way bigger than what it actually is. Does that make sense? Absolutely.

Kate MacDougall
And we did talk about it on the way here, and we've talked about it, you know, while we were here, and you're right, I made this a mountain out of a molehill. And now that we've talked about it a little bit. I'm like, Oh, well, that wasn't so bad.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and that's very common, right? Because when you're like just kind of avoiding it. And every single day this take off, I should probably face this. I should probably face this. Well, now. It's like, Oh, I've put off facing this for three months or whatever. No, three weeks. But that's like playing In the back of your head, so it becomes this thing that feels heavy, right? And so even though it started as a little something, and it still is a little something something right, in your mind, it's it's much heavier than it actually is. And so the thought of that prevents you from engaging. Absolutely. So that's why over time, the longer you wait, the the more the resistance is to engage. And the more the ease and the comfort becomes a luring, like a gravitational pull.

Kate MacDougall
Right? Absolutely. And I agree with that. But, you know, but I remember earlier in our relationship, when things were really like, not good, like Rocky, like when things those conversations that needed to be had weren't going to be easy conversations. We were talking, we needed to talk about, you know, possibly ending our marriage, what are we going to do, I need to set some hard boundaries. And I back then put our relationship on snooze. I said, if I, I think back then I thought, if I kind of live with this for a bit, it'll eventually go away on its own, it'll, you know, or maybe a solution or grow up out of it, or Yeah, sum up or, you know, some other guy will come and sweep me off my feet, and then it'll be easier for me to leave. But that's what happens. So you kind of put your relationship on snooze until something happens. But what happened was back then, when it was a much bigger subject that I had put on snooze, this subject just actually just got bigger and heavier. And our relationship and our distance grew bigger and stronger. And the walls we put up became, you know, canyons that were, you know, we couldn't even cross them anymore. Like it was just it almost became like impossible to actually bring it up. Because at this point, that snooze button had become like a sleep button like a perma sleep button. And like, there was just no talking about it. For me. There was a lot of weight, a lot of wait and hope. Wait, and hope it gets better wait and see if it gets better.

Eric MacDougall
Well, yeah, sorry. I'm what I meant to wasn't like, wait in terms of time it was wait in terms of like heaviness? Oh, wait, yeah, burden of of the conversation of opening up the lines of communication. Right, the burden of crossing that canyon almost felt so unbearable, that it was better to just learn to live without ever crossing the cane. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
exactly. And I know, you know, when you've probably worked with so many people that are going through situations like that in their marriage, where there's something heavy, they need to bring up, but they're avoiding it. And that snooze button is just, you know, it's disappearing in the distance, and eventually it kind of just disappears, and then you don't talk about it. And then that thing that you need to talk about that might have been easier to talk about, you know, five years ago, now becomes this massive thing you have to face. And there's hurt from it and resentment from it. And and, you know, it's not going to be easy to bring it up. It's definitely it would have been easier to bring it up five years ago.

Eric MacDougall
Right. And, and it's easier now than it will be five years from now. Right. And that's really important understand is that, you know, I I remember the old kind of adage of like, the best way to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is right now. Yeah. And so that's kind of what happens, right is that when you think about this, and it comes up every single time it comes up is a new opportunity to face it right now. And then if you put on the backburner, it continues to get worse. So it's actually going to be better for you to face now than it will two years down the road. So that's really important understand. The other thing is, is that in a lot of work that I do with the men in the group is, you know, taking small steps towards kind of closing that gap or creating that connection, we like to say right, moving towards each other is done in small steps over time, right. And typically, the momentum is really hard to pick up in the beginning. And that's why small wins are important. I noticed that when I talk to people who are really, really struggling, and really in their head, what they need is a win. Like that's kind of weed so you need to do whatever it takes. So the end of the day, you can look at your day and say that's one for me. Yeah, right. And a lot of times, that means that you're going to pick something very small. Yeah, right. Like I cleaned my house today. Yeah. Right. And so, again, like, really important, understand that when you feel like at that place, everything's heavy, and you just have this alluring, like, I'm just not even getting out of bed or you know, in this case, if we bring it back to our example, it's the idea of like, we're just gonna be on screens at night. While we're in bed. We're not really gonna connect caress each other. You know, Eric's gonna stay up late or even during the day, right? It's like, Eric's gonna be working and Kate's gonna be doing her own thing. So we're not really making time for connection. And so in those moments, instead of thinking, oh, like we have to plan this massive date night for us to reconnect and have amazing time together. It's just a small step. It's just about, hey, tonight, I'm not going to go to bed with a book. And instead, I'm just going to hug Kate and kiss her goodnight and tell her I love her.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and be open to the opportunity for it to, you know, become something bigger, maybe we'll be able to talk, maybe we'll laugh together Cadle initiate a game or something like, it's just, you know, if you put yourself out there, take that small step, make yourself available. Sometimes magic can come from that.

Eric MacDougall
That's right. And in that moment, the win is not the outcome that gets created. The when is the I put my my tablet down and went to bed without a tablet, which was a commitment I made to myself. Yeah. Right. Because a lot of times what happens is, we think about, okay, like, um, you know, I need a win. So I'm gonna invite my wife on a date, and then they go, and they say, Hey, I'd love to have a date with you, you know, I'm gonna plan a time in the restaurant, you want to come with me? And the wife's like, No, I don't want to do that. And then you're like, well, it failed. Yeah. And it's like, no, The win was you asked your wife, that's the step. So great job. Maybe next time you ask her. It'll be a different outcome. Now, what are other wins you can create? Right? And so really, really important understand here that when you feel like, like, I got to tap the snooze button, a lot of times what we typically happen here, I've used that analogy. It's like, okay, well, in order to get out of the snooze button, I have to not have snooze button, get up out of bed, get a workout and do X, Y, and Z and make sure it's a full day. And it's like, No, the only thing you need to do is not press snooze, and step out of bed. Yeah, right. And so if you kind of take that to our relationship, and how Kate and I were hitting the easy button, and how it felt like kind of a burden to face on these challenges. It wasn't about, we have to deal with all this right now right away, and then get to a place where it's exciting and playful and having amazing fun. It's how do we have coffee together this morning? And just sit together without any distractions? Yeah, right. And that becomes the first one. And then over then it's like, okay, this kind of felt nice. So maybe what I'll do is, okay, it's like, I'll invite Eric for a walk. And then we, oh, I'll tell stories that were funny, you know, and all of a sudden, the flywheel starts turning based on these very small wins that you keep putting in front of you. And that's how you move. You know, it's how we've moved from, you know, kind of putting everything on snooze, just making everything easy to then being more intentional.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And it is easy to get lost in that. easiness, right. Yes, it's a it's a gravitational pull. Yeah, that's very comfortable. You're like, sweet, I can do my own thing. And that's kind of what was happening during the vacation. It was like, I was just kind of like, I would look at you. And I was like, Oh, well, he seems busy. It's easier for me to just go on and do my own thing than to go and possibly get rejected if I invite him somewhere to get like a frustrated snarl like a busy like face. You get this frustrated? No, you don't do that. But it's like, in my imagination, you do that even though you've never done it. But it's just so to me, it's just most definitely more comfortable. To stay in that and to say nothing. And to you know, just not be a burden, not be bothersome, and stay in my own world and entertain the kids and entertain myself and forget about Eric, because you know, it's easier. And probably

Eric MacDougall
there's a story in your head of like when Eric wants to connect. I'm here. Yeah. And meanwhile, right. When you're in that easy mode, your partner is probably thinking the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. Like, oh, I'll just keep doing my thing. And when Kate wants to connect, she'll tell me,

Kate MacDougall
I think we're definitely going to do it together. But somebody has to start somebody has to take that first step. And you know, if that's you, it's, it's important for you to, you know, start small, take small steps, and go ahead and start something.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I agree. And I think about that, too. Like, when we were in that funk, there was a lot of me kind of waiting. And it wasn't to say that I didn't want to connect, but it was like, oh, in this time when Kate isn't, isn't coming to me. I'm going to do all this other stuff. Right? Exactly. That I that I wanted to focus on that can get me the winds that I can get off my list. And then when Kate gets to a place where she's like, you know, oh, we haven't connected in Forever This sucks. Well, then I'll just like jump to that. And make sure happened. I'm

Kate MacDougall
only going to deal with it when it becomes a bigger problem, right when Kate's crying or Kate's yelling or Kate's having like a meltdown? Because we're not connecting.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and I happened right and but that's true, but what I'm saying is like on both sides, right, but I don't know that that's the healthiest way to go about absolutely right. And I think that's important is that the small touches the the small things done often make that huge difference instead of just saying, you know, hey, I'm gonna kind of like put everything on snooze and my relationship focused on this other area and like, oh, no, I put on snooze too long. So I have to go back and put a lot of energy into it. It's actually better just to kind of suss ain small things over time. And so really I mean, as you're listening to this episode, well we would love you to do is think about the connection in your relationship, right? Think about areas of your relationship where you could connect more. Now, this totally depends where you're at. And based on the circumstances, if you're in a place where you and your partner, you know, or an unhealthy place, you have to face a lot of these challenges. The next step is not to try to jump in bed together and have a lot of fun. The next step is probably to focus on repair, focus on healing, right, so it's going to be different for every couple. But it's really important understand that you as a, as a listener, who's listening to this, it's up to you to be the catalyst, take the first step. And so think about the connection in your relationship. And think about how you can bring more intentionality, right and really be the catalyst take action to connect. Now it doesn't have to be massive, you don't have to swing for the fences here. The idea here is that you're just going to essentially, give the olive branch right, right, and there's a, there's an old Gottman kind of analogy that I love. It's kind of a metaphor, if you will, but it's the tennis right. And so the idea here, like a really healthy couple, and when Ken and I are really working, it's like we're we're just playing a tennis match, right? We're having fun with it, we're not trying to be super competitive, we're not trying to knock it out of the park. The idea here is that, you know, I just serve the ball to Kate, in a way where she could return it. And then she returns it, and then I return it back and forth. And the longer we get the rally going, the healthier our relationship is. Now, if I send a serve to Kate, and it's like a lightning serve, that just zooms right pastor, and you can't even hit it. That's not really great. Yeah, right. And so you don't want to be doing that bid for connection, that's really hard for your partner to receive or reciprocate. You want to make it easy for them to connect with you. And then that way in your when your partner kind of decides to hit it back, right? You don't want them to knock it into space, it's like send it back to me. So we can keep it going. And the idea of a healthy relationship is how long can you keep this rally going in a healthy way. Because if one partner is standing still and just making the other partner run, left, right, left, right and left hand side of the court, I mean, there's relationships like that, where one partner is just standing, still doing nothing and just hitting the ball very simply, and the other partner is exhausted on the other side. Because, you know, they're not really working together to keep the rally going. One partner is just making the other person run. And then the other partner is like, hey, you know what, I'm not gonna hit that ball anymore. Because it's way it's way over there. It's exhausting, right? And this is exhausting to me. So something needs to change. Can you please send it to me? Right. And so when you when you think about that metaphor, that's what you want to be doing here is how can you create more intentionality? How can you essentially just pick up the ball and send a nice, easy serve to your partner, for them to really knock it back at you in a healthy way?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and going with that analogy, I think it's important, like if I'm gonna play a tennis match with you, I can't just catch you off guard without giving you a tennis racket and telling you like, Hey, we're gonna go play tennis. Like I think it's important to communicate, hey, I really missed you. I've, I've been busy. I've been distracted. I haven't really put a lot of time and energy in the relationship. And I'm sorry for that. But I really miss you. And I want to connect with you. And here's my idea of how I want to do it. Right. And then send it over.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And then make sure that yeah, they're ready. I was just thinking, sorry, I got caught up. I was thinking, like, I was in the kitchen doing the dishes and you just came with a tennis racket and fucking knocked a surf right on me.

Kate MacDougall
You know, it'd be really cute if we walked around with a little mini tennis racket like, Hey, you want to play tennis, but I'll like actually play tennis because I don't know how. And I'm not ready to like Serena Williams it so unless I'm going to be perfect at it. I don't want to play tennis. Sounds like a relationship.

Eric MacDougall
What a great metaphor. If I can't do it, right. I'm not doing it at all.

Kate MacDougall
I mean, that's the story of my life.

Eric MacDougall
So we hope this finds you well, we really hope that you know if you have been pushing the snooze button on your relationship, or maybe you haven't kind of avoiding some of these issues, sometimes

Kate MacDougall
you don't even notice you push the snooze button. So maybe this will be like your Oh, I'm gonna wake up calls,

Eric MacDougall
right to send some love to your partner. Yeah, to connect in a different way. Choose love. Yeah, absolutely. And so take one small step, right. And if you feel like you can get that momentum going again, it's much easier to do it in multiple small steps than it is to try to take a big leap.