122. Injecting Positivity into your Relationship

This week, Eric and Kate chatted about focusing on the good things in your marriage (and life), and keeping them front and centre!

Topics
➡️Focusing on Strengths instead of shortcomings
➡️Creating more Milestones
➡️Making it up as you go along

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Eric MacDougall
So today we're talking about how to inject a lot more positivity not only in your life. But we've been talking about it in our marriage, in our relationship. But also you can do this even if you're single person. Like you can do this. Anyone can do this all the time. It's great. Because it's in relationship because you could celebrate more than yourself. Yeah, but even if you're single, you should still celebrate yourself. Celebrate your friends celebrate all people you love. And that's really powerful.

Kate MacDougall
I think so too. Yeah. So

Eric MacDougall
we're talking about specifically celebrating, and how it's really important to bring this into your relationship and your life. And this is something that over the years we've gotten very good at. Right I think you were always very good at it. You always like you know, made a big deals of birthdays and occasions.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, I grew up in a home where like, those things were very, very important. It was like the day you were born is like the most important day we need to celebrate it. Like all the all the celebrations Christmas, New Year's like, we had big family gatherings. It was fun. You did too, though. You had big family. Yeah. But

Eric MacDougall
I think what you introduced into our relationship was really like celebrating the small successes to talk about today. But like, yeah, I remember like I would, you know, get a promotion at a job. And it was like, we're celebrating that or get a new job. We're celebrating that. Everyone for an interview. We're celebrating that.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, my family like going to restaurants. Like the excuse to go to a restaurant like he just graduated university. Go to a restaurant

Eric MacDougall
restaurant. Yeah. And so we wanted to really share three things that we celebrate in our own relationship, and that we would encourage you to bring into your life. Yes. Because, you know, we were celebrating the other day, and it was really great. It's just great. Celebrating, it's great. Celebrating for sometimes no reason at all.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And it's funny, because every time if we go to a restaurant or out in public, and we're celebrating something someone's always like, Is it someone's birthday? Is it are we celebrating something? And we're like, yeah, we're celebrating the fact that we had an awesome summer. And everyone's like, Oh, all right. Yeah, that's cool. Like takes them off guard. Like they're like, Oh, that's not usually why people come in to celebrate.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I really wanted to, you know, start with this idea. Maybe a little More focused on the individual, or like your partner, which is celebrating your strikes.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, each of us in the relationship bring something of ourselves to the relationship, right? Like, yeah, like, we both have strengths. And, you know, and there's times where even my strengths I'm, you know, lacking on like, lately because I'm, I've been stressed about going back to school, my focus has kind of been elsewhere, right? You're not playing to your strengths, I'm not playing to my strengths, right. I'm like, kind of my, my mind is elsewhere. And it's important for me in those moments to notice, you know, where you're picking up and where you're coming in, and you're, you know, even doing what I'm good at, and you're taking over. So it's like celebrating that and me like, wow, actually, like, You rocked putting the kids to bed tonight. like I usually do that. And you did it in such like a smooth, easy way you made it look really easy. Like you.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and I think one of the this one's a big one, I think for me, because when I, you know, talk to a lot of men and talk to a lot of couples, and even this was with us, you know, and I think it probably happens because humans have a negative bias. So it's really easy for us to think about what we don't like the negative, all that stuff. But what I've noticed a lot in relationships is that often we see the faults in our partner, it's very easy. They're not doing this or not doing that they're not. And, you know, being long term relationships sometimes irritate each other. And maybe that's, that's the way you take it out on your partner. But I do think that for the most part, you know, we don't view all the great things that our partner knows, we often take that for granted, that was us. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
it becomes like an automatic thing, like your partner does something and you're just like, Yep, it happened. Like he's doing it. He just always does that. You know, you don't notice when they take out the garbage every Wednesday, you don't notice that the dishes are always done after dinner, because it's just the system you guys have in place.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And sometimes there's even a belief of like, that is their job. Right? Like, oh, well, I should do that. Yeah. And then it gets into this like competition of like, well, they should do that. Because I do this. Yeah. And that idea comes from a place of like, you know, I'm holding up my bargain I'm doing and that's really like, the bar is low, if that's the way you believe it, right? If you're saying like, your partner needs to do all this, and you need to do all this, well, then there's not a lot of like, extra on that. Everything becomes expected. And when your partner doesn't do it, you get angry at them. And when they do it, you don't say anything. Yeah, cuz you just take it for granted.

Kate MacDougall
Exactly. And it's hard. You know, when when your partner is doing something, and it becomes unnoticed. You know, like, I know, I know, I always laugh with my girlfriends that like being a mom, it's a thankless job. And really, like, I think any mom that's listening to the podcast, and probably dads too, can relate to this, where it's like, you make your kids their favorite dinner, you go to a store and you buy them a toy, and then you come home, and then they're like, Can we watch TV and you're like, not now. And they're like, You're the worst mom ever. And you're like, oh my god, we just like, I just did everything for you today. And then this, like, this is how it's gonna happen. And then it's like, but it's the same thing in the relationship, right? It's like, you do these things. And they're kind of expected. And then after that, like, one small thing happens and your spouse blows up, and you're like, What the heck. But that's because you're not recognizing those little things that your spouse brings to the relationship, you're not recognizing those little things that they do daily, or weekly, or whatever, that just kind of become unnoticed.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And oftentimes, you're more focused on the things that they're not doing, right, that are irritating,

Kate MacDougall
there must have been was definitely more noticeable, because they're annoying.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And the other things are less noticeable. Just because it's been so long a part of your ecosystem that you just don't even you know, it's just expected that my partner is going to make dinner for me every night. Yeah, or just expected that kid's going to come to bed with me at the same time every night. You know what I mean? So you start to take for granted where it might have started to be this like thing and like, Oh, that's great. Thank you so much. Like I celebrate how amazing you are, I fell in love with those parts of you. But now that we're in relationship, they're kind of on the back burner, because they're just there. Right? Right. And so what we really want to encourage all the listeners to do, which is something that we brought to our relationship. And you know, really focusing in celebrating our strengths that completely changed the game for us, because even in the way that we kind of delegate stuff within our relationship within the within the household, like who does what? Well, we're always playing to our strengths. And so and we've said this before, on the podcast, where, you know, when Kate struggles to make dinner, and that's one of my, you know, where I excel? Well, most of the time, I'm going to step in and make dinner, right and like, so sometimes you make great dinners and you step into that. But that's more like, hey, I want to do this, you know, I want to enjoy myself in the kitchen, as opposed to to say like, Hey, I'll do this, because it'll take me 10 minutes, and it might take you 30 minutes and a little more effort.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, just give me 30 minutes just to come up with the idea, right.

Eric MacDougall
And so, that's what we really want to encourage all of you to do. That's kind of our first practice, which is celebrate your strengths. Right? Think about your partner right now. and don't think about like, where they're coming up short or what annoys you like, think about what they do in your life, like if they were gone, like, what would you be missing?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and you actually spoke to me this summer about something like that you said, I want to be recognized for what I bring to our home. Right contribution, I bring the financial contribution, the time I'm putting into this business, like, this is the security this is creating, like, I want to be recognized for that. And that is something that I took for granted for a long time, right, like, and I probably still do a lot like how much you know, you're providing financially for us, and how, you know, you're, the learning you that you do and the things that you're learning about and teaching every day, how much that impacts our relationship and your relationship with the kids. And I think that's just something I kind of take for granted. So this summer, you kind of stepped back and you were like, Hey, we kind of cool if you recognize that we kind of cool if you mentioned it once in a while, like, Hey, good job.

Eric MacDougall
Well, I think, you know, if I come back to that conversation, what I really want our listeners to take away is that it wasn't the good job. But I want it right. Oftentimes, you say really kind things about the work I do and how I show up in the world. But you're always framing it of like people are lucky in the world, the menu leader lucky Yeah, you're making a difference. Imagine their families, how much of a difference you're making. Yeah. And in those moments, what I was trying to express is that you're never telling me that like what I do matters to you to UK, one of the most important people in my life to me, You're not telling me the value I bring to your life? Yes. And I'm telling you like this is a this is a bit of a distinction, because we don't sometimes even realize this, right? I hear a lot of people say like, it's like, I do appreciate him, I appreciate him a lot. And again, you know, I'm saying him because I find men love that validation. But it's this idea of like, I appreciate him a lot. And I'm like, Okay, go ahead and give me an example of how you appreciate him. And it's like, I see such a good father to the kids. I say, I'm so grateful. You know that he worked so hard for the people that his work that depend on him. And then she says, like four or five things, right? In this case, I'm gonna have a wonderful thing. Yeah, wonderful things, amazing things which the guy likes, like they were wrong, the compliments, but not once. Did she say he does this for me? Yes. And it means something to me, personally.

Kate MacDougall
Yes, I guess when you're focusing on your partner's strength, you can focus on how those strength impact you directly. I'd like that. Yeah, it's I think it's good that you made that distinction. Because that's something like, I find that I'm very good at thanking you for things. I'm very good at saying, Oh, wow, this meal was wonderful. Thanks so much for making it like every meal, even though you make the most every night. Like, I always compliment them. I always thank you for it. And it's really nice. But there's a big difference between saying, thanks so much for the meal and saying, Hey, can I just tell you like, I really appreciate how every time you make a meal, you always make sure they're healthy, that you you really take time to respect my dietician, night, my dietary restrictions and my dietary needs. And I just really appreciate that you spend so much time and energy in the kitchen, creating these wonderful meals that are super nutritious, but also very delicious. And like, I can't thank you enough for that.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I love that. And if I can add, like, as I'm listening, it feels so great. If I can add go for it. And that makes me feel alright.

Kate MacDougall
Right. And that makes me feel very seen. Very heard and understood. And it makes me feel like I can really count on you to keep me healthy and the kids healthy.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, because this is the important thing, right? Because that's really what we're trying to connect to is how do we impact our partner's emotional state in a positive way? Right? Like that is really mean something right? Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And it's hard like you're not used to it. Thank you is really, and even then, okay, I thought I was like, okay, yeah, I'm doing it. I'm doing and it was good. Yeah, it was good. But you're right at the wasn't that at the end, this is how it makes me feel,

Eric MacDougall
right. Because there's a huge difference and saying, like, Hey, I'm glad that you work hard to provide an amazing life for us, and saying, Hey, I'm glad you work hard. It creates an amazing life for us, and then actually makes me feel very secure. So I'm not worried all the time. And I know that you got my back when it comes to, you know, the financial aspects of our life. Yeah. And so thanks, I feel very secure to be in the space. And that's very different than thanks so much for working so hard for providing for us again, great, but like we want to, you know, knock it on steroids.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. Yeah. And that makes me feel at the end. Absolutely. Because that's how human

Eric MacDougall
beings Connect. Absolutely. And so the second thing that we really want to focus on was really, you No, celebrating milestones towards goals. And when I say this one, and I'll explain exactly what it mean, to me and TAs, but this is what I find is the most celebrated. So this is like the milestone towards a goal. You know, it's like the birthday, which is like, oh, like your, if you really think about the birthdays, like, when you're celebrating people who are like 9095, it's a celebration of like, wow, you have lifted amazing, like, super all congratulate on the way to this amazing life. Right? Oh, right. People do this with like a promotion, right? So it's like, Oh, you got a promotion to the next stage. This is like a celebration of you on your way to the outcome of your career, right? For a lot of us in Western culture, more money, better time, or freedom, etc. And so, a lot of the celebrations that we have around this is what we commonly see. Hmm,

Kate MacDougall
I think that for me, you know, I personally have hit a lot of milestones in my life, you know, like, graduate high school, graduated and university graduated teachers college. I don't know what it's called in English. Yeah, I got a career I, you know, got a full time job really quick. Like, these were all big milestones. But I think for me, I missed really the celebrations in between, right? It's hard getting to a milestone. And like, for example, university, you know, four or five, five years later, I got my two diplomas. And like five years to wait for that. Congratulations. It's a long time. So I think that in yes, there's those big milestones, yes, I'm waiting for that promotion, or yes, I'm waiting for this diploma, or whatever those big milestones are. There are small steps that you can celebrate in between, yeah, celebrating the end of a school year, like, or end of a term, celebrating, you know, the fact that you even applied for this new job, you know, that you took the chance and that you applied, celebrating a good interview, like whether you get the job or not celebrate the fact that you got the interview, right, that's a huge milestone. So yes, there are those huge, momentous like, moments in life where you're like, Wow, this is incredible. You worked so hard. Yes, definitely celebrate those don't just like, oh, but sometimes those can take time. And yes, it is a process. And yes, you are getting to somewhere bigger and like with this diploma, yes, then you are graduating, and then yes, you will get a career and then all these things, right. But there are small moments in between those big moments that can be celebrated.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I love that you said that. And that that's really where I wanted to Critchfield as well, where it's like, these small steps towards those bigger goals are worth celebrating. Because they kind of continue to put wins in front of you to keep that momentum going. Yeah, and

Kate MacDougall
understanding that, like, you don't always have to have that big wind who impressed me? Because I know a lot of couples who only celebrate the big wins, right? So you know, they're waiting for that promotion. And it's like, oh, won't want didn't get it like, oh, well, well, next time. Oh, didn't get it didn't get the new job I didn't apply for this didn't apply for that it, it becomes exhausting. And it becomes like, tiring. And then you become you get to the point where you're like, you know what, I'm just gonna stop applying for these new jobs. I'll settle with my job that I don't really love. I'm just gonna stop. But if you have a partner who's behind you, and they're celebrating you every step of the way, like Way to go, wait to get that interview, wait, take that step and apply for that job. Like whether you get it or not, I'm going to celebrate you because understanding the position your partner's putting themselves in and showing them that like, hey, I can see how vulnerable you're putting yourself here. And that you took that risk and that you applied for that job. Like, I want to celebrate that. So whether you get in or not, we're still celebrating like. So I think that that's a way that you can encourage your partner to not be afraid to take those steps by showing them that like, Hey, I'm here along the way with you. Whether you, you know, hit that huge milestone, you reach for the moon or you just falling among the stars. Like you're still doing it and I'm right behind you.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, yeah, I think that's really, really amazing. The third one that I want to bring up is really just creating excuses to celebrate. Yeah, and this is something that we've really started to do more in our lives. Yeah, it's fun. Yeah. And I think, you know, what we really want to do is champion this idea of creating an excuse in your life to get together to have fun to celebrate with the people you love. And I think for a lot of us, it's just not a priority, right? And so by just creating any excuse to celebrate, you're essentially building for lack of a better term, the skill or the habit of celebrating,

Kate MacDougall
right, right and then it becomes easier to celebrate, just like I said, those small milestones Only those small steps towards bigger milestones.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I think here's where the magic can really happen is, we've talked about this before, like your mindset on things, and the way you think about something will improve the way you feel about it, etc. And so what I often started to do in my own life is I would start to kind of twist, anything that was boring or challenging, just like you were saying earlier about the job interview or not getting the job into a celebration, right? So it really is the meaning you bring to something right. And so going for an interview and not getting the job can be essentially spun into the positive of hey, like you, because you got refused. That means you went to an interview. Yeah. So celebrate you going to an interview? Like that takes courage not everyone show up for an interview. So let's celebrate that. Yeah. Right. Just like applying for a promotion. Not everyone in the office applies for that promotion. Right. And so just you applying is something worth celebrating?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, applying for it being considered for it, like, whatever it is. We had done this for a while, and we kind of let it fall to the wayside. But just so you know, I want to continue and start doing this again. But having a celebration at the beginning of every season, that's a good excuse to to, you know, get together celebrate the past season. So Winter's coming. We celebrate the fall, we celebrate everything we did in the fall. And now we welcome a new season. And so now we put goals into place. And we were looking forward to things we want to do by the end of that season. That's like a guaranteed celebration. Every few months, every time there's a new season guaranteed celebration.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And you could literally, you know, this is a great exercises, you could literally sit alone or with your partner, and just literally start writing down ideas or reasons to celebrate, you know, and we could sit here and just kind of jumble off dozens of them. But the point here, right, go

Kate MacDougall
on Google and right like, calendar date, special day calendar, and they're like, hugging day teddy bear day, glasses day Tuesday, and you're like, I don't even know what these are four. But sure, let's celebrate that one. Why not? But

Eric MacDougall
just like us, you know, one example was, you know, recently we've been celebrating, so we celebrated the end of summer, which included a really great trip, celebrating the beginning of the school year. You know, the next thing we're gonna celebrate is wrapping up and winterizing the trailer. And that's, that signifies the end of a beautiful time with our RV, right, and then we're gonna and that's what I mean, like, any excuse to keep celebrating the first fire of the winter or the first barbecue of the winter, and create an excuse to bring a little more joy, positivity, excitement into your life. And I think this is the message we really want to share with you is, you know, focusing on reasons to celebrate not only yourselves as individuals, your relationship, your family, your life, and really to circumstance, your effort, courage, that you continue to show up and, you know, take action every day, is something worth celebrating,

Kate MacDougall
right and talking to each other and saying, you know, what does the celebration look like for you? What did celebrations look like for you growing up? How did you know it was a celebration? For some people, there needs to be cake. So when you're celebrating every time you need to have a special dessert for some people, you have to break bread and so you break bread while you're celebrating. So whatever that celebration looks like for you, it could be just a high five a good job. You know, you can do it just by talking. Or it could be actually like a sit down meal going out to a restaurant, having a cake having a cupcake, whatever that looks like for you just take time to celebrate and whatever way that looks like for the two of you.