127. Levelling Up Dating in your Marriage

This week, Eric and Kate revisited the evolution of dating in their relationship. Where it started, what was so exciting about it, and how they do it now!

Topics:
➡️ Why Dating can be hard in long-term marriages
➡️ Why dates are exciting at the beginning of your marriage
➡️ A three-step system to have kick-ass dates NOW!

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Eric MacDougall
So today, we're talking about dating, yeah, to bring more intentionality to our marriages. And we're going to talk a little bit about kind of the evolution of dating in a relationship and kind of where it ends up. And how to really kind of inject a little more energy, a little more intentionality into your dating life. I love it. Yeah. 

Kate MacDougall
Within the marriage, I mean, don't date outside the marriage, do it with your spouse. Whatever works for you and your partner. So as you're both into it,

Eric MacDougall
And this topic came up for me, because I was really starting to look at our own relationship. We've been together almost 20 years. And I was kind of looking at the evolution of our dating life, right, where it started out and what we were like at the beginning, and how it kind of grew and evolved and then shifted when we have kids, to now our kids are a little bit older. You know, what that kind of looks like now in terms of how we date each other?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and I think that, you know, having conversations with people lately and even with myself is there's a lot of excuses around dating. It's too expensive. We don't have time don't have a babysitter. I can't, I can't, I can't. Here's the 1000 reasons why I can't. And this is I think what we want to get, from this episode want you to get from this episode, is really just this understanding that dating doesn't have to be as expensive or complicated as you think it is. But also, it could possibly most likely in your relationship be leveled up.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I think, you know, the beginning stages of a relationship. The idea of dating almost takes on its own energy, right? Because you don't really know each other, you're discovering each other, you're learning about each other. Just you want to impress right. And in a sense, you're right, you're courting, in a sense. I think just being in that season of your life of your relationship kind of brings a lot of great energy to your date nights. And over time, as you discover more about this person. And as you do life together. And you move from that kind of romantic phase to more of the attachment phase two kind of building a life together. You kind of lose this idea of discovering your partner, right? You start to think, Okay, I know a lot about them. I'm with them all the time. They're a part of me, etc. And the traditional way that we date, which is discovery, which is learning about each other and getting you you know, me all that stuff becomes kind of lost on us, right? Because we're like, Well, we already why are we just going to rehash the same things? Right, right and talk about the same things. And this is kind of the trap that I see a lot of people get into dating, because now they're dating moves from, you know, hey, like, we're gonna discover each other, we've spent time together, it's gonna be exciting, it's gonna be fun, it's gonna be passionate and recording each other to, okay, we probably need to do this to keep our marriage alive, she should kind of check a box and make sure this gets done. And over time, in all relationships, right, including our own for a while. The bar for dating was set very low. Right. And that has a lot to do with different aspects of your life. You know, you're exhausted, you're stressed out, maybe your kids are young, maybe there's a lot of barriers to you enjoying yourself and experiencing pleasure, because you're all stressed out. And what we want to do this podcast is really help you understand that you can bring more intentionality and have really great date nights, no matter where you're at. Right? If you understand the priorities in dating,

Kate MacDougall
right, exactly. And I remember, you know, in our first years, maybe months, years of dating, it's like, I remember you'd say, like, we're gonna go do this really fun thing, and I'd get ready, I'd pick out an outfit I'd have my friends helped me pick out outfits, I'd make sure my legs were shaved, my eyebrows were done, my hair was on point, my makeup was done. And there was a point in our relationship later on, where I was, like, Hey, let's go on a date night. And I'd go out and like, legit my pajama pants and no makeup on my hair's a mess. And I was just like, I'm just here because I have to be here. So there's like that evolution is very obvious. Sometimes in your relationship, you stop courting your spouse, you stop trying to get to know them. And you just get into this very comfortable. You know, he knows me, you've seen every single part of me good, bad, whatever, like, what do I have to keep working for? Like, okay, let's go out for dinner at this restaurant we go to every single time and that'll be our date night.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and talk about things we already know about each other. So let's move to transactional conversations, etc. Yeah. And I do think, you know, dating your partner, when you're in a long term marriage is a skill that I'm gonna talk to you about are the three priorities that we suggest around dating. But really important, understand that this is a skill, and it's cultivated, and it takes time to learn and grow and get better hat. And that, you know, the traditional model that society gives us for dating is typically what we try to attain, but it's not what we should be focused on. Right, right. And so that's a big one. Because if your idea of dating is a night out with dinner, and a show, and that's kind of your traditional model that you need to follow. Well, now, there's all these barriers to that, right? The barrier could be a babysitter, the barrier could be the dinner, the money, yeah, all that stuff. And so instead, we want to give you a new model, where you can prioritize three very specific things in order to help you have not only more date nights, but make sure that their date, those date nights are connecting and are pleasurable, right. And so the first step to all of this, and really is going to allow you to take that step is simplicity.

Kate MacDougall
Keeping it simple, keeping it like light, and easy and just natural, let it just flow as it is.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, that's right. And especially when you're starting, what I find is people typically get in their way when it comes to planning and date night. So the best way to get started is to really keep things as simple as possible. And this is how you want to do it, right? Because the next two priorities are really going to help you amp them up. So the first thing is, don't get in your own way, what is the most attainable way for you to connect with your partner right now? And that could literally be anything, right? It could literally be, we're gonna sit in front of TV and watch a movie tonight. Right? Right, you could create an amazing date night with the two other skills I'm about to share. But as soon as you start setting the bar too high, you're gonna start getting in your own head, about whether or not you can attain that is going to be perfect. And really, the big question you're asking is, is this going to be worth my time? my energy, my resources,

Kate MacDougall
right, exactly. And, sometimes, and I know for me, especially like, I will try to plan a date from start to finish and I'll try to make it you know, as epic as possible. Like, I don't want to just sit in front of the TV. That's not a date. That's That's what society says is a date. That's a lazy date. But like you said, you know, there's there's other ways you can amp it up. But if I'm always looking for that epic date, they're not going to happen. So if I take what I can in this moment, there's more chances of them happening and happening frequently.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and so that's the first step is this idea of keep it simple and simple is different for people right depending on where you're at. Simple could literally be I'm gonna watch some TV symbol could also be I'm only going to go to the next country to go for my date. Yeah, I'm not gonna fly across the world, right? So whatever it is

Kate MacDougall
for you take my private jet instead of my exactly

Eric MacDougall
right. And so that's that's the first step. The second thing you really want to prioritize, really, that kind of brings it all together is novelty. Right. And what we mean by this is something different, right? Doesn't have to be new, doesn't have to be expensive, doesn't have to be big, but something different. And so even the same example that I use of like, if you're just gonna watch TV, usually on your day nights, pick a very specific movie. And if anything, pick a movie that maybe you wouldn't necessarily wash together, right? Right, something that's different,

Kate MacDougall
maybe what you typically do, yeah, maybe pick a new snack, maybe pick a new drink, maybe pick a special blanket you don't usually sit with or, you know, move your TV to a spot. That's not usually where you watch TV. These are all ways you can add that very simple. You can change that very simple date into something a little more complex and fun and new

Eric MacDougall
and different. Yeah, right. And this is what we want to the idea of novelty is really important, right? If you plan to have a date, where you're just gonna do a walk and talk and maybe grab a cup of coffee and go on a hike, well think about going to a different coffee shop in a new neighborhood. Yeah, in a new neighborhood, maybe going to a different trail in the woods. And that in and of itself, adds novelty excitement to the date. Because now your mind has to start to pay attention to new things. And that stimulates the brain.

Kate MacDougall
And I know for me, there's no better way for me to push myself to try something new, maybe something scary, maybe something I've wanted to do, but I'm like not brave enough to try it on my own. But to do it with you, because I trust you. You know, like if we go to a new place that I've never tried, like we did some virtual reality escape rooms, like Escape Rooms scare the poop out of me, I'm always scared, something's gonna like pop out of the wall, or it's like, somehow going to become a haunted house. So I was like, never brave enough to try it on my own. But then I was like, what if I did this with Eric, and then if something does pop out of the wall, I can use them as a shield, and then they can eat him instead of me. That was so much better. So to me, it was like, this is something I've always wanted to try. Why not try it with my spouse? Why not try something new that I've kind of always wanted to try and bring Eric into my world and my interests by doing that, maybe we're going to take a dance class together, because I might be a little too shy to do it on my own. But maybe if we go as a, on a date, it's going to push me to be like, I actually love dancing. And then it's something that I can start doing on my own after, but using your date nights as a way to like experience new things for yourself. But as a couple, I know after we try something new together, it really does bond us you know, because we have this expectation of like, we're probably gonna suck at this, we're gonna laugh at each other, we're gonna laugh at ourselves. It's gonna be amazing. do our best. But it'll be fun. And so after we come back, and we have this, like, this feels so good. This feels nice that we did this together. It was like a very, like bonding experience for us.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I love it. You mentioned that in terms of like trying out these new things that you've tried and doing it a container of you learning and experiencing new things. Because just bringing that energy to your date night is going to change the way you show up. Yeah. And the other thing to really understand here is that sometimes you're gonna miss, right, we've planned some date nights. And at the end of the day, we're like, never, right, exactly. The driving

Kate MacDougall
movie with no screens on our car. And we were eaten alive by mosquitoes. And that was not fun.

Eric MacDougall
Right? Exactly. And we hadn't planned for it. I would try this would be driving this romantic, like all the movies, and then we go and we're like, this is how this is not the movies. Yeah. And then so that is really important to understand that like for Kanye the way he had done, it really didn't land for us. Yeah. And so that's a great opportunity. And now we have it this actually bonded connection about that memory and how much hell it was for us.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, for a while, I used to look at that memory and say, I bombed this, like, I planned this date night. It was like the worst date night of our lives. I won't get planned date nights anymore, because I failed. I failed at planning something. And now I've identified myself as someone who sucks planning date nights. And because of that, I stopped planning outings for us, right? Instead of looking at it, and laughing at the memory together and being like, it's cool. It didn't go great. But that's fine. Let's write let's learn from it. And let's laugh about it. And let's move on.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and so the first few steps is really you know, think about keeping it simple and attainable so you can take action. The second one is about adding novelty. It's something different something new to kind of fire the brain and allow your brain to say Oh, like this is different. This is new. This is curious. And again, this could be anything cooking a new meal together trying different restaurant going for different cup of coffee, like literally anything. Right? The last part, which I think is probably the most important part is intentionality. And what I mean by this is the energy that you bring to the date night, right, right. Oftentimes, we found date nights in right We're just like, oh, I guess I'm just here and I'm checking a box, and I'm doing the date night. So I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. But it's really important understand that, because in the beginning of relationships, there was all this newness, this new energy that was driving a lot of the energy and the date. But now the energy actually needs to be cultivated from within you. Right? Right. And you need to essentially bring in a different energy to these date nights, if you want to experience something powerful and connecting. Yeah, right, if you just allow the day to happen, hoping that connection and, and a great experience will pop up, it might not always happen. Because the driving factor is you, right driving factor is also your partner and the energy they bring. Yeah, and so you as an individual on these date nights, think about what energy you want to bring. And that shows up in different ways. You know, I know for you, Kate, a big part of our date nights for you is to get dressed and look great and put on makeup and, you know, really bring your best self kind of visually energetically to our data. And

Kate MacDougall
the reason I do that is because I know that if I feel I look good, that I feel good. So I know that if I go and my legs aren't shaved, my makeups not done, I'm wearing yesterday's shirt, like, I'm not going to feel good, it's not going to give me that like edge or the, um, for the sexual goddess feeling that I want to come in maybe with that date, you know, like, it's just going to make me like, Kate, the mom is going on a date or Kate, the teacher is going on a date, instead of being like, I made a beautiful, powerful woman going on a date with my amazing husband. And that's the energy and to me, throwing on some makeup, doing my hair, changing my outfit, it really amplifies that like identity that I want to feel for myself on this date. It really helps me show up in the way that I'm intentionally planning on showing up. And it takes some of the pressure away from the thoughts that happen in my head while I'm there of like, you know, Eric probably doesn't want to be there. Or he probably doesn't really think I'm beautiful. Like he's probably looking at that girl next to us at the table. Like look how pretty she is. And then I ended up in my head the whole time, instead of being present in the date. And that's something I wanted to touch on. Speaking of like, intentionally, you know, being intentional on your dates is yes, being on your date, you can physically be present to your body can be there. But where is your mind? And if you know, somehow you planned a date for Saturday night and Saturday during the day was hellish of a day. And it was the most terrible day of your life. You had a rough week, things are just a lot not lining up and you don't think that you can be emotionally and you know, be present your whole self be presently brilliant. And you're just going to bring your body there. Just canceled the date. It's not worth reschedule the day reschedule? Yes, oh, my gosh, thank you very much yes rescheduled the date, because there's no point of view going there. And being a warm body on a date. And your spouse is excited, and they're happy to spend time with you. They're putting a ton of energy, they're putting a ton of time into being here. And you're just a warm body sitting there. Not trying to connect not trying to have conversations, not really looking at them. In the eyes, you're in your head, you're thinking about other things like what's the point of being on a date. So if you're going to be on a date, be there physically, emotionally, mentally be there.

Eric MacDougall
And I actually love that. And I think it is really important to be honest with yourself, you know, in two ways, because what you're saying is true. You know, if you are having a really hard time getting out of your head, and are not able to show up as the version you want on these dates and bring intentionality. I do think it's important for you to be honest with your partner, and then make a commitment to either rescheduling or maybe even shifting the date, right maybe even telling your partner because there's been times for us, you know, where you're stressed out, or I'm stressed out, you know, and I'll come to you and be like, Hey, babe, like, I'm really my head. I'm really stressed out. You know, I know we have our date tonight. And you'll just say like, Hey, Eric, that's all good. Like, just come anyways, sit around the fire, we'll chat. I'll carry a bit of the energy. I actually don't really have any expectations of you. I just want to be around your aura. Right. And so, you know, just be you. You know, obviously, don't just be a curmudgeon and talk about how horrible your everything is right now, but just be you. And yeah, and you can kind of feed off my energy. And whatever happens happens.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And getting away from those social experiments, experience expectations. Thanks. Also social experiment, social expectations of what a date should look like. Maybe it is okay that your date shifts from, hey, we're gonna have this beautiful romantic connection in this beautiful moonlit park, to let's sit in the backyard and why don't you talk to me about your feelings? Why don't you talk to me about what you're going through? Maybe that's what our date nights gonna look like. And you know, How amazing would that be for your partner to hear that not I don't want to spend time with you because you're not showing up perfectly and you're like, on this date. So yeah, let's stuff length reschedule. But like, no, even when you're not at your most perfect self, I still want to be around you. So let's just shift this date. And let's take this opportunity for us to sit by the fire and you can share what's on your heart, what's on your mind. And let's sit together and just be together. Doesn't have to be this picture. Perfect thing that we're gonna post on Instagram later. But let me tell you that that date will probably be way more connecting than any epic date you could ever create.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, that's so powerful. I'm so madly in love with you. Thank you. Yeah, I'm so

Kate MacDougall
in love with you as well.

Eric MacDougall
But thank you. That's good. So that's really our, you know, ideas and insight that we want to share with you about dates, you know, make sure you keep it simple. Create little more novelty not only on our date nights, but in your life, right, add new things to your life, to experience more of life and what has to offer and really bring intentionality to these moments. Because what usually carries the connection is your energy and what you bring to it. That is what your partner fell in love with. That is what they want to connect to. So just open yourself up to that and bring more intentionality to your date nights.