129. Staying Connected to your Spouse in 4 Simple Steps

This week on the Evolved Marriage Podcast, Kate and Eric share a "Cheat Code" that keeps their connection strong daily.

Topics:
➡️ Why physical touch is an important part of your connection ritual.
➡️ How to share specifically the impact your partner has on your life.
➡️ Creating security and building trust with consistency.

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Eric MacDougall
So today's topic today is something that's near and dear to our heart. Yeah. Right. Because really, the idea of the check in completely transformed our relationship.

Kate MacDougall
I was just about to say it's like one of the first big steps we took towards transforming our relationship when it was in a really, really poopy spot. We had read this somewhere. I can remember where

Eric MacDougall
well, it was suggested by two of our mentors. Yes. And when they were working with us, they had their own kind of version of this. Yeah. Which was really powerful. Right? for them. It was teams and to kind of create an acronym out of it. And so when they introduced this to us, we were at a place where our marriage was quite unhealthy. Yeah. And it was a great way to really, I don't wanna say, force us, but maybe encourage us to sit together and ritualize this daily connection.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And I remember the first times doing it being like this is going to be really hard. And, and it seems so simple, you know, to do these forces out there was a little more than four steps, but like the four steps we're going to talk to you about today. They seem really silly. input. But when your marriage is disconnected when you're not feeling like you're in a good place in your marriage, it's a very vulnerable thing to do to sit there and to have to reconnect with this person, you don't really like that you're like, Alright, let's do this, like, it was, it was very difficult at the beginning. But the more we did it, the easier it became. And the more we started, like, finding words to what we were feeling, and, you know, being able to ask for things and, you know, going through the motions of this conversation daily, really helped us get closer to each other, get to know each other, and to really reconnect.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I love that you're sharing that. And so for us, it's we've kind of evolved it into our own four steps. We've changed it a bit for things that really worked for our relationship. But also, I think, encourage couples to take it a step further, right, and to really moving towards not only being like to individuals kind of sharing about themselves, but really also working together to create a really amazing relationship ecosystem, right. And so for us, it's four steps, we're going to share these four steps. And we encourage you to make this a ritual, right and start where you're at, if you just want to start with doing this once a week, because that's appropriate to you and inviting your partner to it great, if you feel like you can do this every day. Awesome, right? It's up to you use it in whatever way you want, what we really encourage is that you create some form of daily connection or check in with your partner in order to remain connected, and have these kinds of anchoring moments throughout your life so that your relationship could say together. And so the first step is some form of physical affection, right, so that's where it starts. So the idea here is to sit down together, be together, and wherever it looks like it can be in your bed can be on the couch can be in the kitchen together, standing and hugging, whatever it is, but the first step is really to come together and have some sort of physicality to it,

Kate MacDougall
right. And the reason that's so important is because, you know, you could have this conversation, and you're gonna see like the next three steps, there are things you can do while you're brushing your hair in the morning and doing your normal routine and feeding the kids and all of these things. However, it really takes away from that moment of connection. And so having that physical connection, whatever that looks like for you, it kind of forces you to stop and sit down and look at each other in the eyes. And to have no distractions, and to really just be the two of you having this discussion. And this isn't a long thing, it literally takes like five to 30 minutes like you don't need, you can time it for however long you want. But it doesn't take much time. But if that is the only connection you have time for that day, it's so important that you do it in an intentional way, where you're stopping everything, and really being together and looking at each other in the eyes. So that's why the touch part is so important. That physical connection is so important.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I think even to take it one step further, you know, oftentimes, especially in today's society, we live in our heads, right? So we're like, for computers all day, we're not really moving our bodies all that much. And so we're not really connected to our bodies. And so we're in our head overthinking things all the time. And by adding the touch element, and really kind of feeling into that touch and allowing yourself to be touched to touch the other, you are connecting with your body, right, which is important, because we want to add that aspect here to the relationship and to these check ins is not only it's a meeting of the minds, but it's also a meeting of the hearts and the meaning of the bodies, right. And so literally just, you know, rubbing your partner's leg touching each other's arms, whatever that is, right? If you feel vulnerable, and you want to touch each other's faces, like whatever works for you. But make it a priority in this moment to add some sort of physicality to

Kate MacDougall
it. Yeah. And at the beginning, I remember you and I would just kind of sit a little far apart and have our hands holding in the middle. And that's as much touch as we were ready to do back then. But then I remember noticing every conversation, we'd get closer and closer. And eventually, like we'd have the conversation with my legs on top of your legs or, you know, I'd have you kind of wrapped in my arms or you'd have me wrapped in your arms and, and it became much more close and connected.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And so that's the first step that idea physical affection. The second one is some form of appreciation for your partner. Right? And this is very important. We've talked about gratitude on the podcast before. Please don't take for granted that your partner knows they're appreciated and loved. It always feels great to hear something specific from your partner about how you impact your life in a positive way.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and I love that you said the word specific, you know, to say something like, Eric, I appreciate that. You always make dinner. Yeah, that's nice. That's good. It's good. It feels good to hear But to say something even more specific and how it impacted you, is so much greater. Right. So, Hey, Eric, I really appreciate that you made dinner last night, I had a super busy day at work, I had no idea what I was going to make. And by having you make dinner last night, it really took something off my plate. And I really, really enjoyed it and appreciate that you took the initiative to do that. Yeah, that is a much more specific appreciation that will probably be repeated. Because it was so specific than just saying Thanks for always making dinner.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I think like there's a kind of a three step model, because you're right, you know, there's a huge difference between saying, Eric, you're a great cook, to Eric, thanks for making dinner to Eric, I really appreciate that you stepped up and did that, you know, this will create it for me. And this is how I felt about it. And so that's kind of the three steps that I often share in terms of appreciation is what specific thing your partner did, what that made you think, right. So that made me appreciate that made me think about how great our life is that made me think that you had things handled, and I appreciate that. And then even deeper internally, how did that make you feel? Right. So in this case, it helped lower my stress, it helped me made me feel loved and supported, it helped make me feel like you had my back like whatever, right. And so what you're doing is you're kind of starting at a high level of what the person did. And that specific action, and you're bringing it all the way down and adding a feeling state to it. Because you want to share with your partner here is how their specific actions impact your mental and emotional state in a positive way. So that's the idea around appreciation and gratitude, which is the second part.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And I remember this one being the hardest for me when we started. Because for so long, I was focusing only on the bad things you did. Eric didn't do this. And he's not doing that. And he does this all the time. And it's not good, and it's not good. And so I had this very pessimistic view on who you were as my partner. But as we started sharing appreciation for each other. At the beginning, I remember having to dig really deep and being like, there's got to be something I'd like about him. There's gotta be something or something that I appreciate it. Yeah. Like, there's gotta be something like, and so I remember being really hard on myself and thinking like, Oh, my God can't come up with something, you have to do one thing a day, like, Can I do the same thing for seven days, like it was hard for me, because it's not something that I had practice.

Eric MacDougall
Often there was so much resentment, anger, like, but the

Kate MacDougall
more I did it, the easier it became. And then the more things that I started seeing, and I remember, during the day thinking sometimes like, Oh, I could see this tomorrow, I could see this tomorrow, because you just did something great. And so I started having to look for things during the day, that I was actually like, I'm gonna say this tomorrow, this is one thing that I'm gonna say tomorrow. All right, start banking stuff, like, oh, my gosh, I'm gonna say this, and this Morrowind. And now all of a sudden, Eric's doing four or five things a day. Like, I'm like, Oh my gosh, like, there's so much for me to say. So I remember going from a place where it was like, I don't even know what to say, to like, okay, which 1am? I going to choose? Because I'm only going to say one? And how am I going to word this. So it does get easier with time. And it really shifts your perspective on your partner, it really shifts the way you see them. And it really starts bringing your energy to seeing them in a different light. And not just seeing what they're doing wrong every day, but to seeing what they're doing right, and how it has an impact on you. And how lucky you are to have this person in your life.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I think that's amazing. The third step, we like to call it request, right. But this is a specific desire that you share with your partner, right now, it doesn't always have to be a specific ask of them to do something for you. I think, especially if your relationship maybe is a little bit strange. Or maybe you haven't prepared a conflict recently, and you're having this check in. You might not want to just kind of do an ask for your partner where your partner is gonna be like, No, I'm not doing it. Right. It doesn't feel very safe. Yeah. And so you want to work yourself up to that level to bait make a request. But for the beginning, what we often suggest is just share a desire, right? This is what I would love today. And really bring it to the end. Right? Well, we like to say and this is like Laura Doyle has this great advice. But there's a big difference in terms of, you know, I just wish that you would, you know, do all the dishes and take care of everything after dinner. That's very different than saying, You know what I desire. I just would love a clean kitchen and eating. Right? And then all you're doing is letting that hang and allowing your partner the opportunity to step up to that bar. Right? Right. If they want to step up to it great. If they don't, that's fine, too. Then

Kate MacDougall
you clean the kitchen at the end of the day. But through

Eric MacDougall
this what you're experiencing is you're actually getting to know your partner and what they want. And you know, you mentioned your last one was the hardest. This was the hardest for me. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because I grew up in a family where like your wants and desires were kind of pushed aside, right? It was like, Hey, you shouldn't want anything like you know, we all start Goal and probably the less you want, the better. And so this idea of really being self sustained, you know, sustainable and being able to deal with your own stuff. And the less desires you had, the less likely you are to be hurt or let down, right. And so if I didn't desire anything, I was very protected. Right. And so opening myself up again, and really sharing what I wanted with you, knowing that two things would happen, either they wouldn't be provided for which would hurt, or you would provide them for me, and then I would feel guilt or shame that I having asked Yeah, exactly. So this to me was one of the biggest, I would say barriers to get over was to essentially choose for myself and say, my wants, my desires are valid, whether they get provided for or not whether they happen or not, it is still valid, that I am a person who wants things that alone, and that practice alone has become really important in my life and creating what I want.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And I think it was difficult for me to to even come up with something I desired, because I had been so used to just doing things on my own for serving others. And yeah, everybody. So at first, it was very easy for me to just like, think of desires that were like you said that were just for me, you know, I really want to get a workout in before the end of the day. That was it. That was my desire. So I think that made it easy for me. But then to shift that desire into I wish I really would love if you helped me do this. That was that transition was difficult. And I came to foot massage. Yeah, to this day, it's still difficult to do like because I I'm a person who has this idea, you know, we talked about in the few last podcast, I'm a burden, right? People think I'm a burden. So it's hard for me to ask for things. So maybe it's not hard. Maybe that would be the hardest for me right now is to think of like something you could do for me. So yeah, that's definitely the hardest now.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and really, you know, you also kind of fall into this idea of, maybe my partner is too busy to provide for me, and I don't wanna put this pressure on them. Right? And, you know, can you create a space in your relationship where you openly share desires, but then your partner doesn't always feel pressured? To have to give you everything?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And so by making a very open desire, I, I wish I would love the kitchen to be cleaned before the end of the day, I would love help making the kids lunches like that. It's a very open thing. It's not I want you to do this, it's I would love help to make the kids lunches. So at a certain point, if you're not helping me, I could be like kids come and help me. And that would kind of protect me, right? I feel like protected saved.

Eric MacDougall
I like that. So. So if you think about if you're kind of following along here, the three first ones, so the first one some sort of form of physical touch, then some form of specific gratitude or appreciation.

Kate MacDougall
I don't want to say then I want to say while you're doing some sort of appreciation, and then while you're also right, because you're always sharing some sort of physical Yeah. So the whole time in order to keep that engagement in order to keep that connection. Do it while you're touching. So it's not like touch, stop appreciation, stop, want stop it's touch while you're sharing appreciation while you're sharing a desire. And then even into the last part, which is planning planning,

Eric MacDougall
right? And so it's this idea of looking forward in your day. So if you do this, maybe in the morning, yeah. So what do you have going on for you today? You know, for us, it's like, what are two big things that are priorities for you, or what's two things that are top of mind for you taking up your bandwidth, you can word it however you want. But this is really about getting into your partner's world by them expressing what the big things are for them today, you don't have this big meeting, or this big deadline, or I'm really looking forward to after school going for a bike ride as a family, right. And all you're doing is your partner is opening up around a couple of things that are priority for them today. And you're opening up around a couple of things that are your priority. So you can serve each other help each other.

Kate MacDougall
Right. And that's something you can do in the morning, talk about the day ahead. You could do it the night before, you know, there's some days I go to the gym really early. And it's not really conducive for us to do it at 545 in the morning while I'm trying to rush out the door. So we do it the night before or checking talking about the next day. So tomorrow, my goal is to nananana this is what I'm working on. This is what I'm this is what's happening for me tomorrow. So we're doing kind of that check in, in the evening, just kind of at the end of the day before bed and then kind of talking about what the day will look like ahead but also sometimes checking in on how the day went, and what we would have liked to do differently and how things could have been different. You know, I would have done this differently. I didn't, didn't get around to doing this. So I'm going to do it tomorrow instead. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
If you're kind of listening along here. This is the logistical part. version of it. And a big red flag here because I don't want you to get stuck in appreciating and sharing a desire for about 30 seconds. And then spending five minutes in logistics to do that, right. And again, because logistics are safe, right, it's safe to just talk about your day, and it's safe for your partner to talk about the day. But instead, really allow yourself to sit in that physicality, express some form of admiration, gratitude from your partner, express a desire and explain why it's so important to you. And then take one minute, just say, hey, here's the big things for me going on tomorrow. Maybe you need your partner's help, you know, hey, just a heads up, you know, let's remind you, I have that four o'clock meeting. So I won't be home until this time. You cool to take on dinner, like you'd mentioned. Yeah, 100%. I'm all over it. So all you're doing is kind of reminding your partner and reminding yourself of what you have going on and what their priorities are. So as we're kind of wrapping up here, I just really don't want you to kind of rush through the beginning and then just spend five minutes talking about logistics, because that logistical aspect is more about security than it is about connection, right. It's more about making sure that nothing pops up and surprises the crap out of you and makes you feel like okay, you didn't stick to the agreements, or I have no clue where you are and stuff like that. Yeah. And

Kate MacDougall
it might be a good idea to do that planning part, kind of before the desire part, because the planning part might inspire you to come up with a desire, like, hey, actually, now that I'm talking about it, I have a really busy day ahead. And I would love if we took five minutes before bed to just lay down together and hold each other because I can already foresee that I'm going to be pretty overstimulated, and I'm going to need help coming down from that.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I love that. Yeah. So the idea here is start small, think about five minutes a day, you know, think about even three times this week to do it for five minutes. Invite your partner into it and then kind of walk through it right, connect physically, share some appreciation, share desire, and then just talk about what's going on, you know, the next 24 hours for you for them, and then move on until the next day when you connect again.