135. Has Initiating Become Awkward? How to Get Out of a Sex Slump in a Sexy Way

This week on the Evolved Marriage Podcast, Kate and Eric discuss Sexual Connection and Communication.

Topics:

➡️Exploring how personal beliefs and attitudes impact sexual dynamics in relationships.
➡️ The importance of open communication in expressing sexual needs and desires.
➡️ Insights into the complexities of initiating sexual experiences in a partnership.
➡️Emphasizing sex as an intimate, connecting experience, not an obligation.
➡️ Strategies for managing periods of low sexual activity and stress.
➡️ Tips for fostering consistent sexual energy and connection.

Kate and Eric combine practical advice with personal experiences, guiding listeners through essential aspects of a healthy sexual relationship.

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Eric MacDougall
Your sex slump could mean different things for you. Maybe you're just feeling disconnected emotionally, physically, sexually. 

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, for us is we haven't had sex for like 20 minutes.

Eric MacDougall
So it's different for everyone. Right? It's not about judging the sex life but I think it's more along the lines of are you feeling connected to your partner sexually, in our relationship, sexual connection is very important to us. We understand the benefits of it, we understand the benefits of how it makes us not only feel and stay connected, but also the health benefits. It's great for your health. Yeah, have lots of sex. 

Kate MacDougall
But I want to go back to what you said. It's feeling it connecting to your partner sexually. Some people have sex legit every day, you could have sex every 20 minutes of a day and still not feel connected to your partner sexually. So a sex slump can also be like we're having a lot of sex but I'm not enjoying the sex we're having. We're having a lot of Thanks but I feel disconnected more than ever to my partner, despite us having this sexual intercourse having you know what? The frequency is out? Yeah, the frequency is up, but I'm not feeling it. And to some people, it's like slump might be like, we haven't had sex and like a few months, a few weeks, a few years. So whatever that looks like to you. That's what a sex slump is.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I think it's important not to pass judgment on it. Right. So let's say you're listening this episode, you're here right now. And now we're talking about the path forward kind of what that looks like. Right? A lot of times we get into this space where we're like, somebody's I'm at 66 months ago, well, you know what I've and so it sucks even longer. And that's not we want to fall into instead, we want to think about is kind of opening ourselves up to our partner, and really taking some steps towards recreating that sexual intimacy. And for us, you know, Kate and I, what that means to us is really prioritizing, you know, connection and pleasure. And that's really important. I love that you said that, because it's not about the frequency for us. You know, I always joke around, but sometimes people will ask me randomly, like, how often you have sex? Or was last time we had sex? And I don't even know like, it's it's not something I think,

Kate MacDougall
yeah, it's the the assume that because we have a healthy relationship. And that things are going well, for us. We have great communication, all these things that we have sex, like every day, like you and Kate must have sex, like every day. Yeah. And it's like, once

Eric MacDougall
you have sex is no, right. Yeah, no times we don't yeah, sometimes it happens often. Yeah, sometimes it happens less often. But one of the things that we create a lot of our relationship is sexual connection, you know, in and out of the bedroom, right.

Kate MacDougall
And our priority is when we are having sex, that the sex is intimate, that it is connecting, that it is not an obligation. Because we have had seasons in our life where sex was an obligation, sex was a checklist thing, sex was like, I must do this, because I'm a wife and wife's have sex as the sexes, they have sexes, with their husbands is this.

Eric MacDougall
And I think keeping the integrity of our sexual relationship up at the highest level is both of our priorities, right? Sometimes, I'll be initiating and then you kind of get that that in your head of like, Oh, I better have sex with Eric, you know, it's been a while or he's cleaned the whole house or whatever.

Kate MacDougall
It's not because you don't clean the house. But because that happens every day. So then I'd have to have sex with you every day, because, but

Eric MacDougall
so what happens is, in those moments, you know, you've gotten to a place where you don't feel called to do that because of guilt, because of like, oh, I Oh, Eric, something we've gotten out of that in order to keep the integrity of our sexual relationship up. And so what we're talking about today is really this idea of the initiation cycle, and how, you know, you can essentially take ownership and responsibility to lead when it comes to creating sexual intimacy. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
and it's very important for you to understand that that being in a sec slump doesn't mean that your relationships in a bad place doesn't necessarily mean that, you know, somebody's having an affair doesn't necessarily mean anything negative about your relationships. Even the healthiest people have sex slumps, even the healthiest couples go through sex slumps, because seasons in their lives, things come up health challenges, you know, like, a sex level couldn't be anything, you know, you could be sick for a week with a cold. And obviously, you're not wanting to have sex, because you've got a fever, or you're snotty or whatever. And then it just takes time to get back into that, you know, feeling in the momentum of wanting to have sex. So it's not because there's something wrong with us, there's something wrong with you or me or a relationship. So it's very, like you said, it's very important not to pass judgment on this.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And what we want to talk about is this idea of, you know, initiating, and kind of taking that first step. And I think it's important to honor initiation energy, right. And what we talked about in terms of our relationship is like, it takes a different level of energy for a partner to initiate a sexual connection. And what I mean by that is not just in terms of like, what does that look like outwardly, but inside, they essentially have to regulate themselves and overcome a lot of their own beliefs and own challenges and own thoughts about themselves about their partner, but the relationship in order to push through and take that step, right. A lot of us we don't expend any energy to kind of pass through that step. Right? We think about it, like, I'm gonna initiate sex, and then all day, we're just like it ourselves out. And we're like, Oh, I'm gonna do it. And then it comes to do it. Oh, god, it's so hard. I'm just not gonna do it. I'm just gonna, like, read my book. And that took a lot of energy, right?

Unknown Speaker
Talking about signs, and you're like, Oh, my God, it's

Eric MacDougall
so hard to remember. It's so hard. Yeah, it is so hard. So or maybe it's not hard.

Speaker 1
That's what I mean. That's one of the jobs was in my head. So the idea here is

Eric MacDougall
that that takes energy. Yeah, right. And your partner as well. You know, it takes a certain energy to receive an initiation. And so what we want to do is honor that it's not easy, and maybe it's a little bit easier for one partner in the other But it's also important understand how your initiating will have an impact on your partner's willingness to connect to you sexually. Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And I think the first step to trying to get out of the SEC slump is understanding, you know, what is happening to me right now what is going on in my own life for myself? That's maybe causing a little more brakes. So that's causing me to just feel a little out of touch with myself out of touch with your with Eric, or you're leading me to turning myself off? Yeah. So what is it that's putting on the brakes for me to be like? Nah, I'm out. I don't feel like it. Once you discovered what that is. You can start working on that. Is it because I'm overtired? Maybe I need to go to bed earlier. Is it because I'm not eating well, and I'm gassy? Maybe I need to change my diet. Maybe I'm not feeling sexy. Maybe I need to start going for walks every night to feel better in my own skin. You know, whatever it is, or so because of the kid. Yeah, maybe I'm stressed out because of work. So maybe I just need to honor the season that I'm in and be like, You know what, this too shall pass, you know, report card season, like, it's the last thing I'm thinking of, was to have sex because I'm like, Oh, my gosh, I need to tell, what am I going to say about this kid? What am I going to say about that kid? Like, it's the last thing I'm thinking of is having sex, all I'm thinking of is kids and report cards. So yeah, I just need to honor that maybe that week, or those couple of weeks are going to be a little sexless. Because my mind is going to be completely elsewhere. So instead of fighting that, and being like, I need to fight these feelings, I just need to accept that this is what it is. And it's very important for me to communicate that with you, it's very important for me to say, You know what, Eric, I would love to have sex with you. It's just that right now, my mind is, is elsewhere, I'm not feeling sick. So I've been thinking about this, that and the other thing, or I've not been really feeling good in my body, or, you know, explaining what is going on inside of you. So that your partner feels like, this isn't my fault. I know, it's not me, I understand like, saying, you know, I understand that there's something going on inside of me, it's not your fault that we're going through a sec slump. It is, you know, this is on me, this is something that I can work on myself. And, you know, you can help me with that. Maybe you can take on some things at home and lighten my load and or whatever. But understanding where it's coming from and sharing that with your partner is very important.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, maybe you can lighten my load. Right? The reason that I jumped in there is because because I want to challenge what you're speaking to,

Kate MacDougall
okay, we're gonna have like a song like Eric is challenging. Okay. So

Eric MacDougall
first, I want to say I don't think it's ever Okay, or appropriate to force your partner into having a sexual connection with you. So I want to say that because when I say that, no, but what I'm saying what I'm about to say is going to be very stereotypical manly, Okay, gotcha. Women will associate to it as well. But really understanding when you said, you know, just understanding that because of because this outer circumstance of stress, I need to accept that sex is off the table for a couple of weeks. So really important to bring to invite you to think about the benefits of sexual connection. Oh, man. So this is what's happening. Right? Exactly. Because I think what happens is, if you see sex as work, if you see sex as an inconvenience, if you see sex as something that takes up a bunch of energy and bandwidth, you're probably going to avoid it in the times that you're in report cards. I don't see sex that way. Right? And again, go through typical man doesn't see whatever. What I'm saying is, I see sex as something that's life giving, that's connecting, that's pleasurable, that's playful, that's fun. That's enjoyable. It's better for your health. It's better for your immune system, all these things. And so if you're telling me, I'm super stressed out, I can't get out of my head. I'm in report card season. Well, to me, the answer is like, wow, this is a no brainer, which probably sucks. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
it'll get you out of your head. It'll make you stop. Yeah, absolutely. No better. Okay, I'm not disagreeing with you.

Eric MacDougall
So again, what's important here is the belief that we have about sex and the sexual relationship with our partner. And we could do a whole podcast on that. So eventually, we will we can talk about that. But really important to understand that this idea that because XYZ external circumstances, I then cannot have sex. That is because your belief about sex is something like it's a burden, it's work, it's an inconvenience, etc,

Kate MacDougall
right? Or also, and where I'm coming from is, I'm not even thinking about sex. Yeah, that's doesn't even cross my mind. Therefore, I probably won't be initiating it. If you initiate it, however, that might be different. And I love that. So that's a different conversation.

Eric MacDougall
In that moment, especially the conversation that you're We're trying to have with me is to unburden yourself from your own guilt of not being the wife that you want to be,

Kate MacDougall
right, or to let you know that, hey, my mind is gonna be a little busy this week, I would love to have sex with you. And I'm sure that having sex with you will help me, however, because my mind will be burned and busy with something else, I probably won't think about initiating. But if you're willing to initiate this week, I know that it will be very good for me, and I can probably get in the mood. But I'm going to need you to take a little bit the reins this week to initiate in order for us to have sex in order for me to help to help me get out of my head, get out of this routine that I'm in that is report cards, and all of this and all of the things that I'm working on, to help me slow down and to connect with you and to feel connected. And probably it will be good for me, after I'll have my creative juices will probably flow better, and all of these positive things will happen. But will I be the one to think about? Hmm, I think I might not have sex right now? No, because my bright mind is going to be thinking about kids and report cards. Yeah, so the conversation, I agree with what you're saying,

Eric MacDougall
I'm glad you brought it up? Well, cuz then I was gonna say, How great would it feel for a partner, you know, for you to come to me in a moment and say, Hey, I got all these things on my mind, I'm super stressed out super focused, I'm going to need you to lead us in our sexual energy, to remind me that this is not going to be my life for the next two weeks that I have other aspects. And I need you to be sensitive to that stress, but really lead us so I can feel connected to you. So I can feel like your partner like a woman. So I can experience pleasure, and find these pockets of moment outside of just where my head's at. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
and I'm generalizing here saying that a lot of women are like this. But some men might, you know, associate to what I'm about to say. But it takes a lot for a woman to get out of her head to have sex, it's very hard to get in the mood to initiate sex, when you've got 1001 things you're thinking about. So it's very helpful to have a partner who's willing to initiate who's willing to make you feel like a woman who's willing to take out that goddess, you know, sexual Goddess energy from you, in order for you to be reminded that I'm not just a workhorse a mom of this, that I'm, I am also a woman, I am also a pleasure. Exactly. So I think that that conversation, you know, I'm glad we brought this up, because it brings the conversation to a whole other place not like warning, we're not going to have sex for two weeks, it's more warning, I'm won't be thinking about sex, I'm going to want you to remind me that I'm a sexual being and dutiful woman. And then, and I need your help. If you're willing to take on a little bit more of the, you know, the responsibility of initiating this week, that would be very helpful.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And then as the partner, think about the skills you have been initiating, right, be sensitive to what your partner has going on in her mind, understand that it might take a little bit longer for her to connect with you, etc. And take her but you know, your partner. And so really, really important understand that. That type of conversation that openness takes a lot of courage, right? That's the first step to kind of openly communicate about what your desires are. So many times what we typically communicate about when it comes to sex is how it's not working for us. So the lack of it, the lack of enjoyment, how it's a burden, like all the negative things about it, which then reaffirms his belief that sex sucks, which sex doesn't suck, it's amazing. But too many of us have this idea that sex sucks, because it probably does suck for us, right in a sense of those moments. But then also, it allows you to communicate openly about what it is that you want, like, I want to feel pleasure. It's just right now my mind is so focused and stressed on these urgent, in this case, report cards that I have going on, that I can't even think about pleasure, right available to me, right?

Kate MacDougall
And it goes back to what you were saying about initiation energy. What is your belief around sex in this season of your life in this period of your life? What are you thinking about? And how is that translating into your conversations about sex? How is that translating into the energy or the thoughts you have around sex? So it's very important for you, you know, if you're going through a sec slump or whatever, to think, well, what is it what kind of energy am I bringing to my initiation? What kind of energy am I bringing to work with thoughts on am I having around asking for sex or desiring sex and my ashamed of it and my shy about my desires of having sex and my, you know, overworked and overburdened and angry and my husband for, you know, wanting me to have sex with him because it's one more thing he's adding to my plate. Like, what are your thoughts around this and how can you help yourself heal those thoughts or change those thoughts into something more positive around sex.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I think those are really tough conversations to have. And so you know, having the courage to open up those lines of communication, and really moving from, here's all the reasons why it's not working for me, which is important. But really thinking about, this is what I desire, this is what I would love, this is what I want to move towards. And I need your help, I think is much more powerful. The other thing that's important to think about is, you know, as you're initiating number one, getting right to it, right dealing with is important and not like in an aggressive way, because you're

Kate MacDougall
not getting right to sex and dealing with it. Yes, that's not what you know,

Eric MacDougall
I mean, getting to initiating connection, too many of us were like waiting for the right moment. And the perfect time stopped doing that, you have the ability to create sexual energy at any point created within you. And then you can share it with your partner.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, you don't need to be naked in bed to create sexual energy, it can start in the kitchen, while you guys are making lunches and dinner for the next day. It can start you know, in the during a walk with the family, like you could be surrounded by 1000 strangers and family and still create sexual energy between the two of you how to

Eric MacDougall
present it and what we often say is that you know, Kate and I, we have cultivated this skill where we're constantly kind of keeping the engines revved right, and so like, there's a lot of sexual energy all the time you're coming from work, we're grabbing, the way we dress, the way we talk, we touch the way we kiss. There's a lot of sexual energy going on a lot of polarity, a lot of desire. And therefore when there's an opportunity to connect sexually, it's easy to jump into it. It's not like okay, let's rev it all up. And

Kate MacDougall
you know, start from zero. Yeah, exactly. We're always starting from, you know, 5080 like, we're already halfway there. Most of the time. Yeah, we just need that extra, you know, little sexiness, which is, you know, what we forget about when we're coming out of a slump, we often get out of a slump in a very panicky way. And that's kind of why we the title of this episode is how to get out of a sec slump in a sexy way. Because if you're trying to get out of a sec slump in a panic way, like oh my gosh, we haven't had sex and too much like we need to have sex, or marriage is over. Yeah, like, or my husband's gonna leave me because it's my obligation. Like, that's not sexy, your husband's not going to have what want to have sex with you, if you're doing it out of obligation, or he'll have sex with you, but he'll feel it like you feel it, like used to feel when I had sex. Yeah, so I think, you know, setting the mood. As women, it's very important to set the mood. And for some men to like, every time we say women, men, let's just understand that whoever you're associated as, as me, for me, as a woman, it's very important for me to set the mood for myself before I can set the mood for Eric and I. So you know, it means lighting candles, going in the shower, washing myself doing my hair, getting getting feeling pretty feeling sexy feeling like, who like releasing some of the negative energy I might have from the day or whatever. It means maybe exercising going out for a walk. So I need to get myself physically and mentally ready, before even coming to Eric and being like, hey, yeah. And so I think setting the mood for yourself, and then setting the mood for you and your partner. And that could look anything like flirty, sending flirty messages that sun setting the mood. So what you were saying about creating the sexual energy throughout the day. That's what we mean by setting the mood not five minutes before I'm going to light some candles and put on some sexy music. No, no, that's yeah, okay, that's setting the mood. But like, we're talking like a long term thing, we're not going to decide, oh, well, let's get out of the sexual sex. The sex slump in five minutes, it's this might take a few days to get out of it may take a few days to start building that connection, flirting, letting each other know like, Hey, I'm here, right?

Eric MacDougall
Exactly hours or days before? Exactly. So

Kate MacDougall
start by that start by setting the mood by you know, maybe planning a getaway or planning an evening where you guys can just be together as two adults connecting and as two lovers, you know, looking at each other and being together and whether that leads to sex or not. What it is, is it's creating closeness between the two of you. And sometimes that's what's been lacking. And so that's what you need to get back before you can start having sex again. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
and I think the two last points here that we really want to touch on, number one, think about the way that you're engaging, right? And then negotiation for us. What really works for us is a level of playfulness, right? Oftentimes, you know, we love the playfulness, we love kind of that flirtation, you know, in bed, but for some others, it's different. Maybe one partner likes a little more of an aggressive stance, right? Maybe a little more sensual, maybe softer, like you know your partner, and so have that discussion of, you know, What's the what's your favorite way for me to initiate what what do you love when you when I initiate, right? Maybe you don't even communicate, and there's just kind of like touching and sensual, soft and watching

Kate MacDougall
the reaction of it like, oh, I touched her this way. And it made her move closer. Well, I touched her that way kind of made her move

Eric MacDougall
the body. Yeah, yeah. And so that's really important is how you're initiating. And the last point and I think this goes without being said, right, if your partner is not reciprocating is not, you know, responsive in a positive way to your initiation. Thank them anyways, thank them for holding up their boundaries and being open and honest about hey, not right now, you know, and you know, or hey, not tonight, thank you, but not tonight, because they're honoring the integrity of your relationship. Right, they're holding on to themselves. And you can have a conversation later on, maybe about your sex life and what each of you desire out of it, and what sex brings to you. But in the moment, don't be butthurt around and pout

Kate MacDougall
and be empathetic, you know, understand that this is this no is coming from somewhere, it's not coming from the fact that I hate you, and you're the worst person in my life and don't touch me, it doesn't. Most of the time, the majority of the time, if you're in a healthy relationship, it's definitely not coming from that. It's probably coming from having a bad day, or I had a tough week or whatever. And I haven't done the work internally to get myself to this place where I'm ready to receive you sexually. So no, I'm gonna have enough self respect for myself and for you, I'm gonna have enough respect for our relationship to say no, to not force myself into something that I'm not gonna like, and then resent you for it later. So being empathetic to your partner and understanding that they're humans and they have the best intention. If they're saying no, it's because they love you. Not because they don't love you.