Are You Taking Your Partner For Granted?

In this episode, Kate & Eric dive deep into the subtle ways we might take our relationships for granted and how we can actively work against this tendency.

Topics: 
➡️ Identifying and tackling complacency in our connections.

➡️ Reflecting on how our early relationships shape our current attitudes. 

➡️ Practical strategies to inject vitality and appreciation back into our partnerships.

Celebrate love and laughter this Valentine's Day with Kate and Eric at their special Couples' Yoga session—reconnect and rekindle your spark! https://www.evolvedmarriage.com/yoga

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TRANSCRIPT

So today we're talking about this idea of taking your partner for granted, and something you brought up, right? In terms of the conversation topic, and not only thinking about, okay, like, first of all, create some awareness around, am I taking my partner for granted? But then, like, what to do about it, right? And I think this is something that can be very confronting for individuals. Yeah, I don't necessarily want to fall into this idea that relationships are fair. You know how much we feel about that, and that whole idea that things need to be fair, but I do agree that a healthy relationship has some form of reciprocity, yeah, and that sometimes in different seasons of life, of our life, we will take advantage of our partner being there for us, as our security blanket, as our invisible safety net. We create systems of relating where one person is often taking advantage of the other, yeah.

And I think even further than that, and I think that's kind of what inspired me to have this to talk about. This was, there was, I was reading a something in a book, and it was like, are you ready to be in a relationship? And I was like, oh my god, I'm so like, wait a minute, reading no part of a book. I'm reading Chinese. It's like, but I'm thinking like, wow, I haven't thought about this for like, 20 years, because I've literally been in a relationship for 20 years. So I haven't had to think about, like, Am I ready for a relationship? Like, I've been in a relationship for 20 years. I haven't had to think about a relationship like, and, you know, I I'm surrounded by other people who are married, and I rarely speak to people, or I'm rarely surrounded by people who aren't married. And then when I am, I'm like, wow, like, you're not married. I don't know what that must be like. And then I think, like, you know, do these people have an urgency to want to be married. Do they feel like I need to find somebody to get married now? Like, like, and then I watch all these, like, silly shows about, like, you know, love is blind, and all those things where it's like, all these, okay, I call them silly shows. They're like, the bust, but like, all these people who truly just want to be married, like, I just want to be married, and I'm like, I. Huh? What draws people to want to be married? And it's just these things. Like, I haven't thought about it for a while, and then it made me realize, like, I am definitely taking the fact that I am married for granted, yeah? Like I am

well, like, what do you what does that mean for you that you it's like,

it's like, I'm not even grateful for the fact that I'm married. I'm like, I'm like, I'm married, that's it, check done, right? But it's like, and maybe it's because we had a very,

you know, like, I know, I know for a lot of people, like, finding the right person is a struggle. And I think for you and I, we met when we were very young, so it wasn't like, we weren't like, in in a bunch of relationships that didn't go well. We weren't with people for a very, very long time, and then, you know, ended it because we realized, like, we're just not compatible together. It's like, we ended up together very young, and that was it like. So I think we had a different journey. We never really lived that, where it was like, Man, I just want to find the right person. I'm so sick and tired of finding the wrong Mr. Wrong. I like, it's like, I found Mr. Right pretty quickly. So,

you know, I actually want to poke holes in this a little bit, because, okay, go ahead. Like, first of all, this idea that there's a right person out there for you is such a romantic ideal that is just force fed to us anxiety. Yes, so much so that I actually get angry when people, like, say, like, I just haven't found Mr. Right or Mrs. Right yet. Like,

nobody's ever gonna be 100% and then again,

like, poking holes at our own relationship. Like, it would be easy for you to say, like, I found my person, but then to also see this other side of it, it'd be like, Yeah, your person emotionally abused you for years with an alcoholism problem that led to physical abuse in your relationship, you know. And it's like, for me, it's like, you know, judging a person as being like your person or being the right

person, yeah, just seems social. Probably, back then, probably weren't the right person for me, but I chose to stay in the relationship like, if, if, then.

So this is kind of where what I mean is like, it really depends on your view of relationship. Like for me, when I look at my life, my It very much is just like, I believe that as a human, I am made to progress and move through hard things, to grow and build resilience until the end of my life, and then I'm dead, and I pass on whatever knowledge to the next people, and that's my life. And so this idea of like, when I look at our relationship and it's like, I found the right person, it's like, well, in a sense, because the person shows me where my blind spots are and allows me to overcome my own internal struggles through relating. But whether that's you or another person, right, sometimes, like another person might show me different parts of myself or the same parts of my same parts of myself and and lead me to challenge. So I just really don't want to sell this romantic ideal that like this one person is out there for you. I agree. And of course, like if you had met somebody else or things had gone differently for us, it's a would lead to different choices and a different life. But in the end, probably would also be very similar, because you're the catalyst for a lot of the choices that happen in a relationship, right? Like, we decided to live in a city closer to your family. That was something that you influenced, right? For me, and I was like, I could live wherever I want, right? And so just understanding that, like, you have a massive influence in the relationship, and kind of what's happening, what's more interesting to me is actually this idea of taking for granted, which is, I think people, when they're married, they take the idea that their marriage will last forever for grant. Like, for granted. I think what you're talking about a lot is, like the sense of complacency, yeah, which is, like, this kind of way I tell people all the time, like, your marriage could end at any time. Like anytime when people are like, anytime when people are like, they ask me, they're like, Well, you think you and Kate are gonna live forever? Like, What a ridiculous question. Like, sure, I hope maybe that, like, we have a long term marriage, we continue to grow and we continue to discover each other and we like, that would be awesome, because that's a big part of what I believe relationships are for. But who knows what's gonna happen a year from now? Yeah, right. Like, what if I, like, lose the ability to walk, and then I just get super angry and fall back into alcoholism and hate everybody and and then it's like, well, then you get to decide, like, are we going to continue our relationship, or Eric needs to get help. And so for me, like, what I really am more curious about is like, are you taking these systems of relating for granted?

Yeah. And I think that yeah. And I think taking what you said with what I'm saying too, because, you know, I'm gonna keep being romantic and very feminine masculine.

I'm not saying it's good or bad. I'm not saying what I'm saying is like, I agree. Like this part, I think what's more exciting is like

more. It's more like, wow, like, this was something growing up I really wanted exactly. This is something a lot of people want, and then you get it, and you're like, got it check next, yeah. But

that's part of the human experience, I know, but it's like, all human experience, I know. But

like, Can we not do that? So that's what I'm saying. I think. At one point you're wooing your person. You're like, buying them flowers, you're like, sending texts, like, Oh, you're so sweet. And everything you do is amazing. And then at one point in your relationship you stop doing that. And I think that's when you start stop doing that. Some people, yeah, not everyone, no, I'm I'm very much. Generally speaking,

we, we, yeah, you speak for yourself. Like, is that something you stop

doing? Yeah, I stopped doing it. Yeah, I did. It was like, Oh, I got married. And then I was like, Okay, done. And then it's like, Okay, what's next? Let's have babies. Okay, now, what's next? Like, yeah. I take my kids for granted. I take the fact that I was able to have kids for granted. Like, so many people want to have kids. I just find like, yes, as humans, we just we want, we get, we go on, move on, next and so. But I find that what happens is when you start taking your relationship for granted, I think the other person, maybe not consciously, but definitely subconsciously, they start feeling undervalued. Probably start feeling like, I used to be, like, one of the most important people in this person's life, and now I'm like, there, like, I'm just like another person to make dinner at night, and I'm just another person to help with the kids, and I'm just another person to, you know, like, have another person? No, I'm just a person you have sex with the ones in a while. Like, I think it's just you get this like feeling of like, I'm no longer as important as I was in her life or their life, but as I was, and

that is true. Like, that's true, yeah, that you're no longer not as important, important in the same way, yeah, that you were, like, there is some truth to that, and I can understand how a person might feel less important, you know, like, I use the example of us, like, you know, one of the things that I really had to kind of move through and still sometimes struggle with, but is, like, whenever you'll have your girlfriends over, there's a different energy that you have, that you give to them, that I hardly ever receive, right? And, and I've, you know, been outspoken, like, I wish there was more, like, this fun, playful energy between us. And I, you know, sometimes I try to dance sometimes, you know, I I try to bring that to our relationship. And I'm not always great. I'm, I'm serious too sometimes, and I'm, you know, all that stuff. And it makes sense that I would feel less prioritized or less important when I'm seeing evidence in my mind of you putting energy other places than our connection, yeah,

which then probably grows feelings of frustration, maybe feeling detached a little bit feeling, yeah, for sure, feeling this, like, need to maybe withdraw a little bit like, okay, like, obviously she has priorities elsewhere. So I'm gonna, you know, put Maya priorities elsewhere, yeah. And so you know that feeling of like, taking your partner for granted can lead to a lot of like,

um, you know, like hurt feelings, yeah, from the other person, whether they consciously realize this or don't realize it, but kind of maybe feel this like weird emptiness, and don't really know where it's coming from. Well,

and if you're the partner who's just going about your life, living your life, you might not even be aware that your actions are leading to that exactly.

So maybe we can kind of talk about, like, some things that you might be doing that lead that might make it seem like you're not taking you are taking your relationship for granted. Well,

I think, you know, the first thing that I go to is like, I always think about these kind of resources, right? Like, time, energy, money, yeah, like that, those, like, resources that I can use, that I can exchange, etc. Like, I can, you know, spend money. I can spend time, I can spend energy. So that's kind of what I think about. And so the first thing I often go to is like, you know, okay, so let me start to create awareness about whether or not I'm taking my relationship for granted. So first of all, the first thing I do is I think about what type of relationship I want, right? That's really important. So I feel like internalize it. What type of relationship do I want with Kate, my wife, and you could do this with your kids. You do this with your parents. You could do this whatever. The second step is to understand what type of relationship your partner wants with you, right? And so then I would go to Kate and say, like, hey, looks, I was thinking about this. It's put on my mind. But what is like the ideal version of our marriage look like for you? Like, if we could have a really awesome week in our marriage, and at the end of that week, you were like, that was awesome. I felt really great about our marriage last week. What would be happening, you know? And then, kind of like, try to have a conversation about that, and open up, and McKay might be like, I don't know, we'd be going on a date, so we laughing more. You'd be more present. You'd be supporting me with the kids. Like, you know, Kate, and don't get super defensive there. Like, take that in as, like, it's information, right? It's not like, I'm gonna do everything Kate says. It's also not like, you need to say less, because that's too much you're expecting of me. But like, we're in, like, the information stage, right? Yeah. So then I would take my information about the relationship that I want, I would take the information about the relationship you want, and then I would decide how I can start to prioritize it in terms of time, energy and money. Right now, maybe you don't have a lot of money, and so you're not going to be spending time money on things. Maybe you don't have a lot of time, and so you have to be very intentional about the energy that you use in the time containers you have, right? One of the examples that I give all time is when I used to read the services, read the service industry, you worked during the day, I worked at night, we had like, 10 minutes, and so we were very intentional about the type of energy we would bring to that 10 minutes. It wasn't like, Hey, I was talking to my mom on the phone today, and she said that, no, that's not the place for this 10 minute. 10 minutes is connection, love, touch, hey, let's hang out. How are you feeling? How am I feeling? Right? What you know, kind of things. And so think about those resources. Look at your calendar. Ask yourself, you know, if I have like my work on my calendar, my gym session, my reading session, my times with friends, but I don't have like, time with my wife, well, probably not really prioritizing it. You're probably taking really your relationship for granted, right? Right? If, when you are together, you're going out for dinner, and you spend more time talking about yourself or talking about the menu than you do trying to understand and connect with your partner, get to know your partner, yeah, be curious about them. Be curious about their life. Like that's another sign that you're taking them for granted, right? There's a really great I mean, you could look up any quiz, but I remember reading a great quiz one time, and it was like, you know, you would kind of sit down and there was like, these 15 questions about your partner, and it was like, based on whether or not you know, the answer to these questions is like, how connected you are to your partner. And again, it's just for fun, you know, take these for what they are. But some of the questions I really had a hard time answering, and then I was like, because we change, yeah, because we change as people, yeah. And then I started to realize, like, Ooh, I knew Kate. Like, I knew the Kate from five years ago, but I don't know the Kate today necessarily, yeah.

And probably some of your answers would be more like Kate five years ago, like, yeah, what color? What's your favorite color? That used to be my favorite, and

maybe it's still the same thing, but like, I don't know necessarily, right? So, like, what is your favorite food? What is your favorite restaurant to go to? Right? And I remember, like you were asking me, this is like, you know, we were kind of like playing back and forth with these questions. And you're like, Well, I put your favorite foods as chicken wings. And I was like, well, actually, it's not anymore, like, I don't really eat them a lot. That was like a time when we go for wing night like that.

So things have changed. I neither used to like wings and beer. Don't drink beer anymore, exactly, right? So,

so really thinking about like, do you know your partner, yeah, and are you trying to be in relationship with them? And I think what we're asking, and I'd love your thoughts on this, Kate, you know, we can kind of keep moving the episode here, but for me, it's really like, Is your relationship strictly transactional? So in terms of like, does your relationship only exist as a service to make your life functional. Or is there like playfulness and pleasure and emotional connection? And do you laugh together? Do you have fun together? Because a lot of people are in these transaction, transactional, relational models that are only there to create comfort and safety. Yeah, they're not there to create fun and pleasure and life and excitement. Yeah, right. So I'd love to know kind of where you're at with that. And how do you find yourself asking, am I taking this relationship for granted or not?

Yeah, I think, like when you mentioned that thing, of like, you used to go to work and and we'd had like, that 10 minutes, it was like, Man, that that 10 minutes was so sacred. And and now I think it's just like, we've just taken for granted that we're gonna see each other of evening. We're gonna like, I think things happen in your life where you don't have to, you know, spend as much time or put as much attention in it, because it's just like, Oh, if I need it, it'll be there. And unfortunately, we do create these invisible safety blankets when it comes to our relationships. I think for me, it's when I think about taking your relationship for granted. I start thinking about the expectations I have from you, for you, the on said expectations that I had have for you. So, you know, oftentimes, I think in our relationship is we have these, like, covert contracts, right? We've talked about those before, where it's like, I expect you're gonna do things for me without you, without having to ask. And then I get frustrated when you don't do those things. And then when you do do those things, I don't even say thank you, because it's like when you're supposed to do them. And so I think that's when you start taking a relationship for granted. And when I start to sit down and think, like,

wow, like, did I just expect Eric to do that? And like, I didn't even take time to thank him. Didn't even take time to, like, acknowledge that, like, he took time out of his state to do this for me. Like, I was just like, you know, like, I used to know this co worker, and she used to receive flowers from her husband every, like, Friday, I think it was, and every Friday she'd get flowers, every Friday she'd get flowers. And then she would, like, start complaining about the flowers she would get. Like, oh, he. Keeps getting me lilies. I don't know how many times I told him I hate lilies, and I'm like, wow. Like, that is like, that is taking your relationship for granted. Like, complaining that your spouse didn't make dinner at the right time. That's taking your relationship for granted. Like, what do you mean? You made dinner at five? Why don't we? Why aren't we eating at 530 it's like you're just expecting these things to happen without having conversations about it, and then there's not even a thank you. There's not even an acknowledgement anymore. It's just like, that's just your job. Like, it's just your job to make me happy when you plan dates for us. It's like, oh yeah. Like, Eric planned a date Thank you, or like, Eric puts a date on the calendar, and then I just expect that he's going to be the one to do something about it. Like, yeah,

I even think about just as you're talking like that, when I approach you to connect with you physically, how, like, for the most part, it's reciprocated, right? There's not a time like, when, like, I come I put my arms around you. You often just like, allow yourself to be held or, like, reciprocate, yeah, and that's something I take for granted, right? Like, I there was a time in our relationship where I would reach and you were like, get off me. Like, don't touch me, you know what I mean. But now that it's happening where it's just like, freely available to me, yeah, I take that for granted. Or

not even a time that it was like, Don't touch me, get off me. There was a time where it was like, we were shy, we weren't really good at it. We were like, still learning each other's bodies, and we would kiss, and it was like, oh, ones that would be awkward. And then we'd like, we were learning to have sex with each other. So it was like, Oh, I don't like it this way. I like it that way, or maybe do this differently, or that one. And like, now it's like, we have sex, boom, bam, boom. It's done. We know exactly what we like and how we like it, and it's like, then we just take that for granted, so we just keep doing the same thing. And it's like, and then, and then you think, like, man, like, when's the last time we changed something up? When's the last time we went to a new restaurant or did something different, or when's the last time I invited Eric on a date, on like, a random Tuesday night? And I was like, Hey, Eric, it's Tuesday, put on your best suit. I made plans. Like, doesn't happen, because why would it like Eric's Eric's gonna be there Tuesday. He'll be the next Tuesday, and he'll be there the Tuesday after and the Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Like, so it's like, this isn't as important. But I remember when we didn't have that time, it was like, Oh my gosh, you're off on Saturday. Like, finally, we're doing we haven't done Saturday in a long time. And actually, one of my I was talking to somebody the other day, and she was like, Yeah, my husband has off for like, the week. And I was like, Wow, that's awesome. Like, I don't remember the last time I was excited about Eric being off for a week, because it was like, He's just at home all the time. So

like, Eric's available to me exactly.

And because you're available, because you're on hand at any point, I can just go downstairs, find you in your office and be like, Here, let's do something. And it's not as well, it's not as desirable, and it's not as important, because it can happen anytime. I It can just be, Oh, didn't have time this week. We'll do it next week. We'll do it next week. We'll do it next week. We'll do it next week. So for me, taking my relationship for granted, when I think about it, it's like, how many things do I do or assume will just happen without having to put time or energy in it? And then how many things are happening on repeat? Kind of like Groundhog hog day on Saturdays, we watch a movie on Wednesdays. We do this on Thursdays, we do that. Saturdays that we do that. But we don't have any, like, novelty. We don't have anything that's like, you know, like something we go to every single week where it's like, this is art. This is that time we look forward to. It's just like, maybe next. Yeah, and

I think, you know, it brings up a great point about complacency and how oftentimes we have to go against our programming, part of our programming, which is like to create routine, right? Our brain likes routine and wants to put in very little effort into doing things, but that in order to experience some of the things you're talking about, which is excitement, novelty, dopamine, right, especially in our relationship, but that takes effort, and that takes getting out of routine. And so I think that's really, really important to think about, because if you are just kind of in this complacent place, like it won't change unless you're actively and intentionally putting an effort towards changing it,

yeah, and I think the first step for that is it's like, kind of like you said, start getting curious, start asking questions. What is it that you want? What is it that you're desiring in this relationship? What does change look like for you in this relationship, starting to put some acts of service into place, like starting to do small actions every day to or once a week at least, just start with once a month at least, like just something different, something like a little, you know, action that that goes out of the norm well. And

I think something that you're really good at too, is, you know, appreciation and gratitude is, you know, you send messages to me, you know, almost on the daily, to be like, Hey, here's the thing you did. I just want you to know how much I appreciate that, how much it means to me. Like, when I receive those messages, I feel. Yes, taken for granted, right? Because I'm like, oh, Kate notices me, there's a sense of validation there. And and I think in the end, like As humans, we want to be seen for the efforts that we put into things, right? We want to be recognized for our hard work, or, really, for any work. And so to, like, appreciate your partner for what they're currently doing, even if it's something that you think is just like, normal, right? It's like, when you make dinner, sometimes people this way, they say, like, why do you thank your wife making dinner? She she's making dinner for like, the kids. Otherwise somebody gets fed, so she's not really doing it for you. But it's like, well, sorry, you think that way. But in the end, my wife doesn't really have to make dinner, yeah? Like, my wife could just tell the kids to go eat whatever in the fridge,

yeah? Or she could make three plates and not make you one, sure. And like,

we could not be sitting around the table eating a dinner that my wife took time making, right? But this idea, again, like, this expectation that, like, Well, Kate has to make dinner because that was the agreement, because x, y and z, I think, moves you into that place of not appreciating your partner and taking your partner

for granted a bit more. Yeah. I'm

like, so listening to what you were saying. Yes, I don't really know where I'm going next. I mean, truly, that's what it is.

Just start doing things for your partner, start being more aware of your actions. Try to not live in the day to day Groundhog Day. Start just tweaking, doing things differently, putting time on the calendar for your partner, making sure you're sending little messages or writing little notes, or just taking the time every day to show gratitude and show excitement for being in a relationship. Planning things that are novel and different, like these are all ways you can start showing your partner that, like, Hey, I don't take you for granted. You are still a very important part of my life, and I still want you to know that. Yeah, I love that.