Balancing Unmet Needs & Unrealistic Expectations

In this episode, Kate & Eric explore how unrealistic expectations and unmet needs impact relationships.

Topics:

➡️ Why unspoken needs often lead to unrealistic expectations
➡️ The difference between wants and true needs in relationships
➡️ How open communication can prevent resentment and disconnection

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TRANSCRIPT:

We talk about unrealistic expectations, yeah, and I think we kind of go hand in hand, right? Because for me, like, I've had a lot of unmet needs in our relationship, but when I sit back and really think about it, and I'm like, Oh, my needs aren't being met, the reality is I have unrealistic expectations, because I haven't even talked to you about those needs. I haven't even mentioned that these are things I want, right? So I think a lot of times, like for me, for example, like unmet needs are usually because I haven't spoken about them. I haven't mentioned that this is something that I want or I need. So then, like, for me, both kind of go hand in hand, like, then I have unrealistic expectations, because then I'll get angry at you, and I'm like, Well, why doesn't Eric just give me those things? So your expectation is, like, that your needs would just be met. Yeah, relationship, you should know, we've been married for this many years. Like, we've been together for 21 almost 22 years, like, why aren't you meeting my needs? Yeah? It's like marriage equals you know me Exactly, right? That's kind of like the yeah, my needs are being met something so far you should know. Like, you should just know what I want for my birthday. You should just know what kind of date night I want. You should just know that I want a foot rub. Like, that's just, I think that's what a lot of people think. Yeah, right, in their relationships, they think that their partner should just know these things, that it should come naturally, and I shouldn't have to ask for what I want, yeah? Like, if I do have to ask, then it's not real love. Yes, that's very true. I have heard that like, what a fairy tale. Yeah, exactly like, oh well, you know, I remember there was a point in our relationship where, you know, I wanted you to woo me. I wanted to be swept off my feet. I wanted to be like, Oh, wow. Like, Prince Charming, and I'm a princess. But I never asked you for it, and I never really told you what that looked like for me. So maybe you thought I am sweeping her off her feet, I am doing all those things. Thought I was, yeah, I thought you were, and I was like, oh, like, I feel so bored. And like, not swept off my feet and blah, blah. And I think there was also this sense of like, I'm gonna wait for it to happen, instead of making it happen for myself well, and you know, as you're as you're saying that, like, you know, you imagining like, Hey, I have these needs that are not being met. I want you to woo me and stuff like that. Like, from my perspective, which obviously is very different, you know, to me, it's like all your needs are being met. You know, in my in my mind, that the story that I make up is there is nothing that Kate could want for that she wouldn't she can't have. If she wants a bigger house, if she wants a car, if she wants more attention, if she want like, I can provide all that for her. And so in my mind, it's like, yeah, every single thing that Kate could ever want I can provide for her. Yeah, that's not what you're Because. Because then it becomes like, well, I want Eric to provide it for me without having to ask that. Or sometimes I think you have an idea that, like, I've given Kate everything she's dreamt of in this life, right? Given her not, not alone. You know, it's like, matter of fact, right? Like, you didn't give me those things. We were like, Kate doesn't want for anything, yeah, that's kind of the story I make up. Kate doesn't want for anything, and when she complains about it, it's like, man, like you have everything, yeah? And deep down, there's this, like, deep loneliness inside of me. There's this gaping hole that's just not being filled. And it doesn't matter how many material possessions I have, it doesn't matter how many, you know, projects I take on, how many successes that I actually, you know, live through, there's always going to be this like gaping hole of like something's missing, yeah, and until I can take the time to discover, discover that in myself, there's nothing you can do to realize those unmet needs and my expectations and my expectations aren't really realistic, not because they're big in grandiose or whatever, it's because I don't even know what they are. So I'm like, oh, Eric, I want you to buy me more chocolate, and then you do, and then I'm like, that didn't fill the hole. So my expectations of you aren't realistic, because they're never going.

Going to fill that hole until I do the work to figure out what is missing in my life. What is it that I need to fill that hole? And also, like, understanding that, like, humans weren't designed to be happy, yeah, right. Like, I think that's really important to understand is like, we were designed to grow. We were designed to strive to succeed, right, to, like, go through, like, to become resilient. And so, like, we weren't designed to be happy. That's why, like, when people have everything they want, they're still unsatisfied. It's like, that's a very much like, your biology, you are designed to be unsatisfied so that you can do something to grow. Yeah. I mean, that's the reason all these huge inventions were invented, like the wheel, like, whoever invented the wheel, wasn't happy with the way they were doing things, and so they had to find a way to make their work easier. And then they found the wheel. And then I'm sure that same person was like, after they found the wheel, they were like, Eureka, my life is fulfilled. I'm never gonna have to do anything again. They were like, now what like, now that I've found this, like, what can I do bigger and better? And I think before we jump into, you know, really, kind of like hashing out an unmet need and an unreal expectation, all this stuff I do want to say. And for all listeners out there, you know, as you were talking, it must have felt like what I started thinking about was like, Man, how invalidating must it be for you, for you to say, Hey, I'm feeling really lonely, or I'm feeling really disconnected, or I'm feeling really unfulfilled, and for my response to be, well, you have everything, like, Isn't it enough? Like, in a sense, like that must lead you to just, like, shutting down and saying, Well, I better not share that. And how I try. And it's not even that. I think it's more of like, Oh, he's right. I should just shut up about my life. Why am I complaining? Like he's right, I'm being a spoiled brat, yeah? So like you're invalidating yourself, yeah. Then I become invalidating myself, and then I start thinking, Oh, my needs are too much. Oh, my expectations of this life is too much. There's something wrong with me. I need to fix me. I'm broken. Instead of being like, No, it's okay for me to want and need things, and it's okay for me to ask for them, and whether my partner is willing to give it to me or not, it's okay for me to ask, and if my partner is not at a place where they can give it to me, then it's okay for me to look for it elsewhere, yeah, or to find other ways to fulfill that part of me that needs to be fulfilled, yeah? And for me like, you know, the awareness of like, why is your loneliness threatening to me, right? Why is your like, dissatisfaction of our relationship, or of your life threatening to me well, and honestly, I think that's a very masculine thing. And I'm going to generalize here. I'm sure there's a lot of women who who can flip the script and say, like I'm a woman and I feel this way is I think there's this deep need for men to fulfill. There's this deep need for men to be the provider, to be the breadwinner, winner, to be, you know, the man of the house, person who has the answers, yeah, and solve problems. And so when your children, your wife, your loved ones, come up to you and they're like what you have created, not in those words, but this is probably how you're dissatisfied. I'm dissatisfied you're hearing what you've created and what you've been working so hard for is not enough. You need to work harder. You need to do more. I'm unhappy and it's because of you, yeah, and I think that's a very masculine way of seeing things, because that's not the message being said. It's not what you've done isn't good enough. It just means what you've done is great, and I also need something else, and it's actually pretty dysfunctional for me to then try and get the other person to be different, to start appreciating more, to stop complaining, to like, change so that I can feel better about my not enoughness. Yeah, and honestly, we've kind of gone through that right now, like, this is something that we're going through where you've said that to me, you've said, like Kate, like I've given you everything. I'm doing everything. I don't know how much more I can do for you, and all you do is complain, complain, complain about your life. And it's true, I am complaining a lot. But if you can see past the complaints, and see past that and see this isn't about me, this isn't about Eric, it's not about me. This is about Kate. This is a Kate problem. And I, Eric, need to stop trying to fix the Kate problem. Yep, I can be there to be patient, to be along her side, to say, Hey, do you need anything from me? I can see you're struggling today. Do you need anything from me? And to see if you're at a place where you can offer that that day? Yeah, you know. And then also, I think about too, like, allowing you to be dissatisfied enough to do something about it, exactly because, because, if you keep coming to my rescue, if you keep, you know, it's like, it's like, if you keep wiping a kid's ass, they're never gonna learn to wipe their own ass, right? It's a gross analogy, but really it is, like I thought, like you would do like the learn to fish thing. No, we're gonna do the wipe the ass thing. Okay, if you keep wiping my ass, I'm never gonna wipe my own ass. So when we think about, like, balancing these unmet needs unrealistic expectations, I think the first step is really to understand, like, what is an unmet need? Yes, and like, we all have these really basic.

Needs in relationship, right? We want to feel secure. We want to feel emotionally close. We want to feel seen and heard and understood validated, right? A lot of times, is like we are in relationship because we want to

kind of validate that we exist, that we are worth the effort, that we're worth the love, that we're that our pain is true, right? That's really at the core of why we're in relationship and how we co regulate and so really important to understand, like, what is your needs in your relationship? And these are specific to you. Now, we all have basic needs. We all want to feel safe, we all want to feel emotionally close. We all want to feel, you know, physically connected, right? So we want affection from others, and then otherwise, you start to get into kind of wants, desires, but still needs, right? Like some of us,

you know, need to have sexual connection with our partner. If you're in a marriage where your your partner does not want to have any sort of sexual connection with you and to you, that is something that you need in order to have a fulfilling connection with a partner. Well, you need to be realistic about that. Yeah, this works. I want to stop you, because I think there's this very important distinction between the two words want and need. You want for many things. You want sexual connection with your partner. You do not need it. You want it. What you need is deeper than that. Yeah, so when you look at a need, you have to go deeper than your want. I want a fulfilling sexual relationship with my partner because I need what. I need to feel close, I need to feel important. I need to feel loved. And that's a way that I feel loved. That's a way that is very easy for me to feel like I need that love. So I think it's very important when you think about your own needs, like when you're really thinking about a need, you're thinking about the basic human needs, food, water, shelter, safety, right? So when you think of a need in a sexual relationship, like it's not about the sex. It's not about, you know, I want blow jobs, I want whatever. It's way deeper than that. Yeah, it's actual a need versus a want. So when you're thinking about your needs, think, is this a want, or is this actually a basic human need? I always struggle with this category. Yeah, I always struggle with this, because I get it, you know? I get the idea, and I get it's like, okay, no, I think what we're saying is like, we need to agree at society, like, what we absolutely need to survive, yes, right? And for me personally, when I think about needs and relationships, that's not what I go to, okay? I don't go like, because it's then becomes like, Okay, well, do you need to have kids? No, you don't. No, yeah, do you need to wear clothing? No, you don't. Yeah, right. And so now you start to play in this, like, absolute realm. However, having clothes might make me feel safe. Having clothes in the middle of winter, yeah, helps with my safety. Helps with having sex with my partner would make me feel safe. Okay? And so this is where, like, you get to decide what you want to say is a want to need. And I agree. For me personally, it really ticks me off when it's like, you know, like, well, sex is important. Well, it's not a need, because you could survive without sex. It's like, well, plenty of people survive without eating for 48 hours. So why don't we just stop eating for a while? Yeah, and I understand survive without cars. Yeah, and I understand what you're saying, for sure. I understand

the argument. Yeah. I just, I think I want people to really

sit down and realize, like,

just really go deeper. Like, okay, I want more sex. Well, what is it that I want out of this sex? What is it? What is it going to give me? Yeah, I guess for me, what I really want to encourage our listeners is that if you think sexual connection in your relationship is a need for you, don't allow society or your partner to invalidate you. Yes, I guess, as you were kind of talking earlier, it felt very much like, don't know, Eric, it's not a need. Here's the basic needs, and it's like, well, it's actually a need for me. And so it's one of those like, make or break things, and to me be the same. If somebody was like, I want to have kids, and I'm like, well, that's not a need. We don't need to have kids. Well, how invalidating would that be? Then it's probably more of a then we need to have a more of a conversation of like, Hey, if you don't want to have kids, and I want to have kids, we should not be together. Yeah. And I think you bring up a really good point. I think there is this, like, pressure around society, around like, sex, kids, and all these things. Like, you're right, it's not a need. We don't need to have sex. We don't need to have well, it's not a need in order to to exist, to exist, to be a human in this world, to be alive however, yeah, that want can become a need in a relationship. Yeah, it's just like exercise. It's not a need, yeah, however. It's very good for you. Yeah, you could just sit around your whole life and eat potato chips until you're dead. Yeah, right, yeah, I get it. And so I think you're right. I think.

That it's important to not invalidate what you think is a need. I think it's just important for you to really think about, what am I getting out of this need well, and I think this really brings us to our next part, which is unrealistic expectations. Because for me, you know, I have the need to have a sexual relationship with my partner, with my monogamous partner, that's a need for me, okay, and I'm gonna own that need. Now, it would be very unrealistic to say my wife needs to have sex with me because we're married, yes, like that would be unrealistic, yes, and this is where the tension happens, is because a lot of us are unwilling to have very real, mature conversations. And instead, we fall into very much the argument that we were creating, which is like, you know, well, that's not a need. And it's like, well, it is a need, so you need to, yeah, and it's like, no, none of that is true. What is true is it is a need for you based on how you judge your experience of life. And I don't need to do anything about that, right? And that's something that we need to be able to be able to enter into in relationships. So, you know, going back to the kids, because I think it's very like, you know, maybe socially acceptable right now, right? The whole idea of like,

like, the need for a sexual relationship is not socially acceptable yet for a lot of people, but the need to have children is socially acceptable. Yeah, it's totally okay for a person and a couple to say, we've decided not to have kids, and people are like, Wow, good for you, and they champion that well, and it's totally acceptable to be in a relationship. And if one partner is like, I want to have kids, the other partners like, No, I don't to, like, end that marriage, yeah. Why'd you guys separate? Oh, you know, I wanted kids. I didn't. Oh, yeah, totally makes sense. Great idea. If you're like, I wanted to have sex, they didn't. Oh, my God. Oh, why didn't you make work? Yeah? Why didn't you, like, figure, yeah, you're a pig. Like, exactly, no, I like that. You brought that up because it is true. It is very, like, socially acceptable, yeah, for sure. And I'm sure women feel the same way. Sometimes, some women probably want to be having more sexual relationships. And it's not just the man thing, like the whole generalization, yeah, some women want to be having more sex with their partners. I get a lot of messages from women, sex or difference? Yeah, that's men focus. Yeah, one more have more sex for some women would love to have an orgasm, right? It's like, 48% of women don't have orgasm. Yeah? Right? Like, it's like, so really important here. It's like, you have your own needs. That is your judgment. But then you need to stop projecting that need onto others. Yes, and you need to be having these real conversations about like, hey. So my need is to have a fulfilling physical sexual relationship with my monogamous partner. That is a need for me in life, and it would be unrealistic to force you to be a certain way in order for me to have that need in this relationship. Yeah. Is it something you want to work towards? Is it something you want to talk about? Can we have an open discussion about my needs, your needs? Where we land? Yeah, and I think that's kind of where I was going with that. First point was, I think it's very important for you to get clear as to why this is a need for you so that when you bring it up to your partner, you can say more than like, well, I want to have more sex. Well, why? Well, because I like sex and I want more sex. We're married. We should have Yeah, exactly. So coming deeper and figuring out, like, why is this so important for me? Because it makes me feel connected, because it makes me feel important in this relationship, because that's something that really makes me feel loved. Because for me, physical touch in that sort really reminds me how much you love me. And for me, hearing that as a partner would be much more desirable, and, you know, enticing to hey, I really want to help you fulfill this need versus we need to have more sex. Well, why? Because I want it, and you're my wife, and we need to have sex because that's what wives do. Yeah, I agree. And so and so's wife, she gives he gets a blow job once a week, and they have sex, like, three times a week. And how come we're not doing that? Yeah, no, I totally agree. And I don't think that's a great way to approach it and share. So I think the first step is really understanding, like, and owning your own needs Absolutely, and being okay with having those needs, I was just gonna say that, yeah, because one of the needs that I think a lot about, that people struggle with is this need for validation, right? And it's like, well, you don't really need that. So we've created this system, very individualistic system in society, of like, you should be able to stand on your two feet and not need anybody and be like, totally awesome without needing any sort of attaboys, or, you know, atta girls from anyone. And if you need somebody's love, like, if you need them to say, Hey, good job. Like, you're a great partner and you're awesome, and I love being with you, then you're weak. Yeah, it's like, no, like, be proud of yourself. Be proud of your accomplishments. And even as as teachers, you know, we're trying to move into a realm where we're teaching kids to be proud of themselves, to do things for themselves. And I'm like, okay, for sure, you want a bit of intrinsic motivation. You want the kid to be, to want to want to do things, but at the same time, like, Is it so wrong for the kid to do something and be like, Look.

Yeah, what I did? I agree. And then it's, it's both, right? And then, because I hear this all time, like, Well, you shouldn't tell your kid you're proud of them. What? Well, because that's gonna make them tied to, like, you know, I need my dad to be proud of me. What are you talking about? This is crazy. Like, you know what I mean? Like, let's, let's ease up a little bit. Yeah. And I think, I think it's very important for you as a partner to be okay with wanting to do things and then kind of getting praise for it, or kind of being like getting at least a thank you. Oh so much. Let's get real here. Every listener, despite how like tough skin you are or pretending that you don't need validation, like receiving validation and accolades from others for hard work feels great. Yeah, you know, when you're at work and you work your butt off and then you get that promotion. That feels great, yeah, when you're like a really great, you know, dad and your kids come up to you and you're like, Dad, I just want to be like you when I grow up. You're me like, that feels great. It's not like Sean. I don't need you to tell me that. You know what? I mean. Keep that to yourself. Come on. Yeah. And I think you know that would be a beautiful thing to teach our kids, to teach them to receive those accolades, to receive those praises, and to say, thanks, yeah, I did work hard. I appreciate you saying that. I appreciate you noticing and teaching them like, hey, that's good. And so why as adults, can't we teach ourselves to do that? I think that's so important and so beautiful, and it's such an important thing to acknowledge, if that is a need you have, yeah, and for us, you know, in a lot of the work that we do in the evolvements Collective, we talk about this idea of like self, valid intimacy, and, you know, the solid, flexible self. And I think as we kind of move into this idea of, like, unrealistic expectations, the best way to separate it is that you have your needs. You need to own your needs. You need to own how you provide for yourself, and you need to own how you engage with others so they can help you provide for your needs. And so I think that's really, really important to own. Where it gets into unrealistic expectations is when you start to believe, we call them manuals, but like when you start to believe that other people need to run through certain scripts for you to either, you know, prevent yourself from being uncomfortable, you know, prevent discomfort within you, or get what you want. And that is unrealistic. And so exactly the example it was, it would be unrealistic for me to be married to my partner and for them to, even though they don't want to have a baby, to have a baby so that I can feel fulfilled. That would be unrealistic. That's an that's an unrealistic expectation right now. Still makes your need valid, that you want to have extend your family. Still makes your needs valid that you want to, you know, all that stuff, and it makes your partner's need valid as well, that he does not want to have kids, that he wants to have freedom, his need is to not take care of kids, right? Whatever it is for them. And so that's when we start getting into unrealistic expectation territory. Is when we expect others to do certain things without like them accepting it, right? So I need my partner to have sex with me. That's an unrealistic expectation that your partner's gonna have sex with you, asking your partner to have sex with you, talking about the importance of sex in your marriage, explaining how it's a need for you, learning how to negotiate that conversation in a way that feels good to both of you, that is something healthy, yeah. And I think there's also this weird assumption that people have that like, man, we used to have sex like every single day, and since the baby's been born, like, we don't have sex anymore. It's like, assuming that your partner is going to be the same partner you married 20 years ago, unrealistic expectation. Yeah? Like, they're not, they're not going to be the same partner 20 years like that, 20 years later, yeah. And neither are you life, by the way. Yeah, exactly. Life circumstances, you know, all these things come into play that change who your partner is, and thank God for that. You don't want your partner to be the same person they were 20 years ago. Like, if me and you were the same we were 20 years ago, I don't think our kids would be alive, let's be honest. Yeah, 100% and I think that's so important to remember. So as we're kind of wrapping up here, if we start thinking about practical ways that people can first of all understand and accept their own needs, be aware of their unrealistic expectations, and then how to engage with their partner, so that you and your partner can both have your needs met. I mean, what are we talking about here in terms of practicality? Well, I think the first step is definitely figuring out what those needs are for yourself, and then communicating them with your partner and being okay with whatever answer comes out after Yeah. But the important thing here is that you're true to yourself, and you tell your partner, hey, partner, this is what I need, yeah, and I think it's you know, owning that that's your need. So using I statements, sharing that it's your need, and not coming at it in a way of like, we need to figure out how you can provide this for me, or this can be provided. But just like, hey, I just want to create this space where I was thinking about my needs, and I wanted to share them with you, and I don't have any expectations that after I tell you this, that you're going to be jumping through.

Dollars to make them. I just want to start having an open conversation. Yeah, and I think it's important to continue those conversations, to not just have a one and done here, Eric, these are my needs period, and never talk to them about them again. You know, making sure that you acknowledge when your partner does meet those needs, like, Hey, I noticed that you did whatever I asked for the other day that's so appreciated, and I really, really enjoyed that. And also having some check ins, like, hey, like, how are you feeling about your needs being met? You know, here's how I'm feeling about my needs being met. And if you're about to share your needs, well, be open to receive your partner's needs, or maybe before even having the conversation saying, Hey, I'd really like to talk about our needs here in our relationship and see if they're being met. So maybe we can schedule some time. Maybe you can come up with your needs. You don't have to, but, you know, I'm going to be sharing mine, and I would love to hear what yours are. You know, like not making this a one sided conversation, I need, I need, I need, I need, and I'm the only one suffering in this relationship? Yeah, there are two people here, and maybe reality is, maybe your partner's needs aren't being met either. Yeah, and I think it's a collaboration, right? I love what you're saying, because I think you want to be the catalyst for this conversation, and you want to invite your partner into it, because one of the things that I realize in our marriage is that oftentimes, when my needs aren't being met,

your needs are being met either, yeah, because they're very similar, right? Like we for most couples, right? We want safety and security. We want emotional closeness. We want physical affection in a way that feels safe to us. We want, you know, life, energy and playfulness, fun and novelty, like these are things that I know about Kate as well. And so oftentimes that I'm like, Wow, I'm not really not feeling like we're doing anything fun and novel. Kate's probably feeling the same way when it comes to our relationship. So opening that conversation is like an invitation, yeah? And oftentimes if I stop and I'm like, wow, we're not doing anything fun and novel, and then I sit back and think, Well, Kate, have you really done you? Have you done anything fun novel in this relationship? Yeah, no, not really. So for me to come up to Eric and be like, you never, you never, you never, it's like, well, you know, the reality is, I'm not either, yeah. So saying, Hey, I'm not feeling like our relationship is has a lot of fun or novelty in it, and it really makes me question, you know, how important this is to us, and I would love, or to me, I guess I would love to create more novelty, and, you know, have more different experiences in this relationship. And I'd love for your help with that, if you can. And I think too, like when you so now we think about our needs. We have an open conversation about our needs. You also have to be honest about your unrealistic expectations, and this is where, like, where you need to take your own thoughts, you know, to court, as it may like, and really be honest about like, Hey, this is an unrealistic expectation, or it's even just an expectation that I haven't spoken out because, you know, unmet expectations, and this is really important, right? Like or unset expectations is probably more appropriate eventually lead to, like, future resentments. And this is really like, something like, oh, there's so much resentment. It's like, yeah, because the person probably had an expectation it wasn't talked about, they didn't feel safe enough to open up about it, or they didn't want to open up about it, for whatever reason, right? It's probably might not be your fault, and now they carry this resentment because you didn't show up according to their expectation. So whenever you're feeling you have these expectations and you're like, or even feeling resentment, that's a sign that you have expectations that are not being met. And so you need to start kind of dissecting that and being like, what is my expectation? Have I opened up about my partner? Did I make a specific request, or do I just, like, openly complain about it and hope that it gets met, because a lot of times like this is how human beings deal with relationships, right? It's like, we're totally cool with everything, and then we feel resentment, and then we go, like, guns loaded our partner, we say how everything sucks, and then we hope that they change, yeah, or walk around life sighing, like,

waiting for somebody to be like, are you okay? No, actually, nothing's okay. Let me, like, open up finally, instead of, like, waiting to get to that point and then being like, you know, like, before you get to the point where you're like, sighing and sighing and sighing and then waiting for somebody to talk to you, to be like, Hey, I'm not feeling good, and I'd like to talk to you about it, having those open conversations and having regular check ins, having time put aside on the calendar, like,

as often as you can do it in your relationship and this, this really depends on where you're at in life and where you know what should be, once a week, once a month. It's up to you. Even once a quarter, like that would be great. Like, just having some time set aside to have those check ins to really, you know, do some exercises together to see, like, Hey, are we connecting emotionally? Are we, you know, meeting each other's needs? Where are we in our relationship right now, emotionally, physically, speaking, like, how are you feeling? Because let's get let's be honest, life gets in the way, and oftentimes this relationship, your marriage.

Is the one that takes the back burner, is the one that falls off the shelf, and you're just like, Oh, whatever. I'll just leave it there and deal with it later. It's always like, there's other things that always take priority over your relationship, and unfortunately for your relationship, it's often forgotten. And so these check ins remind you, like, hey, we need to make sure we're okay here, because your partner can easily become invisible in your life, and then their needs are going to be unmatched, on on, on met, and probably you haven't spoken about your needs to them, yeah. So as we're kind of wrapping up here and make sure that number one, you get clear about what exactly your needs are. Then think about what unrealistic expectations you have around those needs, right? So connect that and then take some time to open up to your partner and invite them to share the same thing.