100. Be OPEN to a better marriage with one single word!

🎉 BOOM! ep 100 y'all! This is our centennial (or sentinel)!

We have a great conversation about how to open yourself to new possibilities in your relationship (and your life)!

We chat about:

➡️What being open means to us
➡️How you prevent yourself from getting what you want
➡️A simple word that will change the way you think about your marriage
➡️How to have ALL of what you want, without compromising!

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FREE RESOURCE - The Communication & Connection Blueprint

Eric MacDougall
So we we talk a lot about this topic with couples. We've talked a lot about this topic in our own life.

Kate MacDougall
This is something we practice a lot. Yeah, we managed to

Eric MacDougall
not only create a pretty kick ass relationship, but also kind of an amazing life, through this whole mindset shift.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and this is something that you know, you can focus on for your relationship, but also that will help you in every aspect of your life, in your career with your kids with your, you know, your friends, your family.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, 100% just any challenges that you're facing. Some of the practical tools we teach you today, specifically, two of them, are really, really gonna be helpful. Just to kind of turn things around. So if you take anything away from this podcast, even if you use one of these tools and put into practice is going to dramatically change your life. Watch out.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, we're about to give you the secret.

Eric MacDougall
So I really want to start this episode by talking about openness, openness, right. And this is something that we really decided to shift in our own life, which was, you know, really moving from this idea of, you know, we can't because to weekend, if, right, and I'm talking about kind of at this deep foundational level, this idea of being open and connected to life, right, and what life can bring you and how life is really there for you to play in how everything that happens happens because you get to do it. And really a lot of these shifts, you know, I hear a lot of people talk about this idea of like, I need to do this, and I need to do this, or they close themselves off to opportunities, because they like to focus on being comfortable. And they essentially, you know, put themselves into this box of their own mind. And then, you know, try to spend their whole time trying to get out of it. Right, not realizing that it's essentially their own box.

Kate MacDougall
Exactly. It's like we become trapped by our own lives like, oh, well, I can't because I can't because, and all the society expectations, and all of these, these things that we put on ourselves, our beliefs, no, there really isn't any written out rules that are stopping us from trying new things or being open to new ideas. Or, you know, it's just because we were brought up that way or because society says that maybe that's not how it should be done. You know, it's so hard to not fall in those traps, especially that we're like, surrounded by them daily with social media and Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, you name it. Is Twitter still a thing? Yeah, definitely. Okay. Yeah. So you name it, you're surrounded by it. And life. Often we put our own obstacles in our way, when it comes to being open about things.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I think you know, especially in westernized culture, we're taught, you know, like, work your butt off. You make a lot of money. You know, get a job, get a family be successful. And boom, you have like the secret to life. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
yeah. It's like the the formula right, but this and then that, and then this and then that, and then you wait to retire and that's the end of your life after that. Yeah. And some

Eric MacDougall
people find success with that. Absolutely. I think, you know, what happens a lot is that when we go through that route, and then all of a sudden, wake up one day, kind of living groundhog day over and over again. and feel very unfulfilled. It's because we've kind of trapped ourselves in this life and feel like we can't get out of it.

Kate MacDougall
Right? And I think when me and you, when you and I mean you and you and I, being grammatically correct, you were at kind of a like standstill, maybe when we were in a rougher space, in our relationship, there was a lot of that internal blockage. There was a lot of that I can't because I don't know how I'd love to but, you know, like, simple things like, you know, just being open to new opportunities. You don't, I want to fall in love with Eric again. But yeah, you know, this whole thing, there's this whole thing in the past, and there's this whole thing stopping me from doing it, and what is my mom gonna think? What's my dad gonna think? What is all my friends gonna think if I choose to commit to this relationship that's been kind of in turmoil for years, you know, so I could have made the choice to be like, That's it. That's all washed my hands like, I'm gonna give up because everybody's telling me to, but I chose not to, I chose to decide, like, yes, things right now are difficult, and they will get better. I totally had that faith and that trust in our relationship. I was like, I will make this work, I will make this happen, and it will get better.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And, you know, being open, do you want to kind of say this, that being open takes courage, right? Because the reality is, you know, we talk a lot about failing forward. We have sayings in our family, like, everything's hard before, it's easy. And, you know, it's really important understand that, in order to be open to life, it takes courage, because you have to try new opportunities, you have to be willing to put yourself out there. And not everyone's ready for

Kate MacDougall
that. Yeah. And sometimes you're gonna fall flat on your face. And sometimes it freaking hurts. But you need to trust yourself that you can get back up, and you can dust yourself off and try again. Yeah, absolutely.

Eric MacDougall
So that's kind of the frame for this episode is we really want to encourage you to be a little more open, be a little more creative with the life that you want. And these two tools that we're going to talk about, and they're kind of connected, if you will, is something that you're able to take into your life to start really turning things around and start moving towards what you want. Right. And so the first thing is, you know, we love replacing the word, but with the word and, right? And what we mean specifically, is a lot of times couples within their relationship are closed off to do opportunities, right? They wish they could go on dates, but they wish they could have more sex, but they wish they could have that challenge conversation. But yeah, right. And what we want to do is to really flip that on its head,

Kate MacDougall
right? Because when you say the word but you're sorry, I'm having a lot of trouble at shows that I'm going back to my grade one class tomorrow, right? Like, but But anyway, when you say the word but you're convincing your yourself your conscious self, I cannot do this. There's nothing you can say after that word that's going to change the way your mind thinks. Because those words are convincing your mind that you cannot do it. I want to have sex, but it's too hard. But I'm too fat. But but but but whatever. So what's happening is because you've got all these barriers in place, because you've got these limiting beliefs before you even do any better. Because really, it's just you're just saying words, I want to have sex, but you know, you haven't done anything, you haven't done any action. Your mind is already convinced that, oh, I don't have to do anything about this. It's too hard. So the word but has a very negative effect on your conscious on your self, self self conscious self.

Eric MacDougall
Self Confidence. 

Kate MacDougall
Know your subconscious

Eric MacDougall
right there.

Kate MacDougall
On your subconscious. Speaking English is difficult, and I will figure it out. 

Eric MacDougall
yeah, that's, I will read a

Kate MacDougall
textbook. Learn to Speak English better.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And this is what we want to say. Right? Typically, we use the word and. And that always follows up with something that we would need in order to create the thing. Right? So if you think about it, when we say You know, I wish we go on more dates, but we have young kids at home but we don't have the money but we don't we never see each other etc. Immediately what happens is the dates is off the table. And now you're focused on only the barrier, right? And when you're when you're focused on that, it actually kind of feels because the story you're telling yourself as he can do it actually feels kind of crummy, right? It feels kind of shitty And so that in itself, that energy now is something that you're going to tie to not only dates, but your relationship. So you're like, I don't even like thinking about dates, because when I do, I realize there's a barrier, and then I don't feel good.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, like has an impact on your self confidence that has an impact on your ability to make decisions and make moves in your relationship. And that's going to bleed into all kinds of relationships and things in your relationship. So maybe you're saying, Oh, I'd like to go on a date. But all these excuses, well, what's going to happen is your self confidence when it comes to making doing things and taking action in your relationship is going to be affected by that one sentence, not just the dates, but the sex, the, you know, the ability to talk to each other, I'd like to have better conversations. But you know, because you've already convinced yourself, I'm not a person who can figure this out. I'm not a person who can figure out something as simple as going on a date. So I can't figure anything out when it comes to my relationship. And you're going to, you're going to convince yourself that this is your identity as a wife or as a husband.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and this is where we really want to challenge all listeners who are listening to this is that, you know, what you typically do is, through this pattern of behavior, you're actually convincing yourself, I kind of a deep belief system level, that this is not possible for you. And so we've literally talked to people to talk to man, talk to him talk to couples, where it's like, even like the word sex, immediately, for them is like, is like something that they don't like, like, Oh, God,

Kate MacDougall
yeah, if they had a heart monitor on there would be a skip in their heart when when we saw that, like, you could probably see it in their pupils. Like, it would just be like, yeah, sex. That's right, and panic. And

Eric MacDougall
because and that's because it's all happening in their mind, right? It's like, literally, this word triggers something in their mind based on their belief systems, what they think about sex, etc. And so what we want to do is really start to shake that loose, open ourselves up and move towards this change in language, right? So if you think about that example, it's not, you know, oh, I wish I could have sex. But, you know, maybe something serious. I wish I could have sex, but it's painful, right? It could be anything I wish I could have talked about me, my husband ever see each other. I wish I can have sex, but I'm not attracted to my husband, whatever. Instead, we want to move it to end and say, you know, I wish I could have sex. And we need to figure out how to make it enjoyable for me. Right, right. And so just now that leaves a little bit of light and a little bit of openness towards hey, let's take a step here. Right, start to open ourselves up to possibility

Kate MacDougall
and just saying that just saying switching from but to end, you're already feeling inside, you probably have this feeling of confidence. Like, yeah, I got this, like, I can do this, there's a little glimmer, there's a little glimmer of hope. Like, we're not saying it's gonna be easy. It's like, all of a sudden, you're gonna say like, I'd like to have sex. And now we're gonna have it all the time. Like, that's not that's not what we're saying. But we're saying instead of saying, but no, but no, can't do it. No, cut it. You're, you're coming up with a solution, a small solution, a little glimmer of hope for your sex life, a little glimmer of hope for your date life for anything,

Eric MacDougall
right? Like even a new job. Like, even you know, it's like, oh, I'm stuck in this job. It's like, you know, I, it's like, Oh, I'd love to get a new job, but I can't afford it. Whatever. Instead, it's, I'd love to get a new job. And I need to start planning that out to move to the next two years. Right, right. Like whatever that is. That's how you transform your life. And Kindred, I have done this all over our lives, right? For me, transitioning into business on my own. I was traveling every summer to like, what else traveling to the moon, hopefully one day like, Okay, maybe not. But literally, that's what I say. Like, it starts with this idea. It starts with the seed. Yeah. And so if you're not willing to literally do this and say a single different word, you've already kind of blown your leg off, and screwed yourself up. And to some people, they would rather stay stuck in their excuses, because that means they can stay there. Right? You know, and we often talk about this idea of, you know, kind of our pile of shit, where it's like, eventually, you kind of get comfortable in your pile of shit, right? It's actually mine. I kind of like it here. Yeah, because if I get out of here, it's unknown. And that takes courage. And that's a new type

Kate MacDougall
of like, you get used to the smell of a pile of shit. Yeah, but it's nice and warm. And it's cushy, gooey, gooey. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And this is what we say though, right? Like eventually you don't even realize that you have the power to unstuck yourself, but you're typically giving your power away to somebody else by saying but exactly right. i Oh, I'd love to but my wife Oh, I'd love to but my husband Yeah. And

Kate MacDougall
it's so easy to like, these are things we hear so often, you know, with with people that I speak to, you know, I speak to a lot of women, and it's, it's Oh, I'd love to have more sex with my husband, but I My my period right now it's like, hey, instead of I'd love to have more sex, but I'm on my period, it's, I'd love to have sex with my husband while I'm on my period. And I'm going to find a different way to do it. That has nothing to do with penetration, because I'm not into that. And that's a way better way of putting it, then. But no, I'm on my period. That's a hard pass. No, like, find another way to get intimate. That's right. And another way to have sex, like, just that simple change in language. It's so inspirational. It's so it becomes exciting and becomes, and I've caught myself, I've caught myself in situations where I'm like, I don't know where it's like, I want to do this, but, and I catch myself in the moment thinking, okay, what can I say? What's, what's the end here, Kate, what's the end? And you know, like, this could become a fun game between the two of you, like, I'd love to have sex. And I can't figure out an end. 

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, can we figure it out? Together? 100%,

Kate MacDougall
you know, and we can figure it out together. Okay, okay, love to have sex. And we're going to talk about this. So we can come up with a plan to have more say

Eric MacDougall
We need to try different times of day, and we need to try like whatever works for you. But it's, this is just about creating possibility to overcome challenges. Exactly right. And then as you get through this, your brain starts to warm up. And that's how you're going to end up taking a lot of action.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, exactly.

Eric MacDougall
So we really suggest that you take this, put into practice. And again, start small, right? If you find yourself but even if you just kind of start writing

Kate MacDougall
Just notice it, just notice it in the moment. Even if you're talking to a colleague or a friend, and you're, you're Oh yeah, but just notice it, just say, Oh, wow, I just said the word. But I wonder if what I could have said that would have gone well, with end what would have followed the end.

Eric MacDougall
This scenario comes up a lot when we think about win lose scenarios, especially in our relationships, right. But this can happen all over our lives. You know, it's as simple as like, oh, like, I'd love to go to the gym. But because I can't, you know, because but because, you know, that takes time away from Kate, and she's overwhelmed the kids, I can't make it happen. So here's how you get into this place of one or the other. So it's either I, you know, stay at home and cages around the kids or I go to the gym, and Kate gets overwhelmed. And so in those scenarios, you can see we create these all of our relationships, we call them win lose scenarios. And I'll be real. A lot of times these are created in your head. Oh, they don't even exist. Yeah, you're essentially saying this to yourself, right? We talked about this in the previous episodes where it's like, Kay would love to go out with her girlfriends. But you know, she can't, because then it's gonna take something away from Eric. And that immediately becomes a win lose scenario, where in your relationship, you think, if one partner is winning, the other person's losing?

Kate MacDougall
Yep, get stuck in these choices, right? You get stuck, and I can hang out with my friends. Or I can hang out with Eric. And instead of seeing it as a win, lose like this, or I have to choose one or the other. It's why don't you choose both? I can hang out with my friends. And I can make plans with Eric for another night. I can hang out with my friends on Saturday. And I can hang out with Eric on Saturday morning. Yeah, like there's, there's all these opportunities. So instead of seeing it as like a lose, win, win, lose whatever, like why not do a win win? Why not do both?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I agree. And I think a lot of times, these can be a little trickier. Because again, oftentimes, we do not say these out loud, right? This would be like, I'd love to spend time with my partner, but she's always on her phone. So it's either I bring up the thing and could lead to conflict. Or I keep to myself, and nothing happens, right? And so instead you want to move to really going back to that and having the end which would be I want to spend time my partner, and I want her to be able to unwind on her phone. Right? So how do we create a life A scenario where both of these things can happen? Right? And this is where we don't really go into that area? Because we're already at the win lose, right? We already think that, okay, well, here's the thing that is the barrier. And I can't connect to that. Therefore, I have to choose one. And by choosing one, I lose the other or even sometimes a partner loses, right? And so we really want you to do here is start thinking about replacing the word or with the word and, right? Oh, like, I'd love to go out on a date night, but your family is in town, you know. So it's either we go out on a date night and make your family uncomfortable, or we spend time your family and we don't do the date night. And instead that in that scenario, you want to work together and get creative and use end just to get the gears flowing, right. So let's host your family this weekend. To end go out on a date. And then oh, I don't know, how would we do that? It's like, well, we can What about this? What about this, and you just start brainstorming ideas. And again, the only thing that happens when you replace the word or with the word and, is it opens your mind up to possibilities.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And then it creates this feeling of like, whelmed right, you're no longer overwhelmed with Ha, there's all these things, I need to choose that I don't know what to choose. And it also takes you away from the underwhelmed where you're like, Yeah, I'm just not going to do anything. Yeah. So now you're kind of getting into this world realm of feeling, whelmed where you feel good, you feel satisfied, I was able to do both, I was able to make a decision that really aligned with my values with myself. And this happened to us often, you know, like, sometimes when your family comes down, you know, they come and visit us from further away. Like they have to drive a couple, couple hours, six hours, a couple more than six hours, to like, come visit us. And I used to have so much problems with you saying like, hey, my mom's in town. Why don't we take an evening and go out, like, I'm sure she would love to spend time with the kids. And I was like, ah, your mum didn't just drive six hours to come visit us for four days for us to leave for a couple hours. On an evening. How selfish is how selfish is that? Like, we're, we have to spend 48 plus 48, I can't do the math right now. But that's a lot of hours together. Like, no. And usually, when we were able to get away from the or, you know, we can either spend all your time with your mom, or we can take a couple hours to go like instead and we moved to, we can spend a lot of time with your mom and ask her if she would be open to taking care of the kids give her that opportunity, give her that choice. That was like, she was so happy. She was like, Oh, I'm so happy. I never get to babysit for you guys, because I live too far away. So I would love to do that for you guys. And it wasn't until we allowed ourselves to get to that point. And I'm open to the possibility that to get to that point in our relationship with your mom to be open to speaking to her. And to give her that option, that opportunity. Like that really changed things for us. So now, whenever your family's down, if they come and they stay for a little while, and, you know, they they'll even offer like, Hey, guys, why don't you guys go out for an evening? And we're like, yeah, we will. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
yeah, absolutely. And I think, you know, this kind of starts small typically. Because you can start just with small daily things that you think about, like, Oh, it's this or that. But when you start really start opening yourself, it's this and that, well, that starts to spread throughout your entire life. And, you know, Kate and I have been able to create this pretty amazing life for ourselves, just with that whole idea where it's, you know, I remember, like two or three years ago, we sat down. And it was like, you know, how do we live a fulfilling life where we both work full time. And we travel for six months out of the year? You know, right now, I've been traveling for two, two and a half months here. But it's like, you know, oh, well, no, it's has to be one or the other. Either we work full time, or we travel for six and a half months. And it's like, no, what if it's both? Right. What if it's this and

Kate MacDougall
that? And that's exactly what we did last summer? You worked less hours, but you still worked? Pretty much full time? Yeah. While we were traveling?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, it was mobile. Yeah. I was able to make it work. Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And we there were moments in that trip where I was like, we can either work or travel like this is not working. And anytime we fell into that, or arguments would come up? Yeah, we would, the mood would change. And and we realize like, it's because we're not doing the end. It's because we're not looking at all of the opportunities right now. Yes, it's hard to get Wi Fi Yes. It's hard to find signal when you're in the middle of a forest campaign. But we figured it out.

Eric MacDougall
And we figured it and we figured it out. And I think to like, you know, this even goes down to, you know, I hear a lot of couples, it's like, well, we can't have a great sex life because we have young kids, but it's like, you know, so either we focus on our couple life and ignore our kids, or we focus on the kids and we were a couple lives. And it's like, no, like, you don't have both. Right. So it's like, We're amazing parents, and we have an amazing life, just the two of us.

Kate MacDougall
And did that mean that we had to set boundaries with our kids, that maybe some people aren't ready to set? You know, I was I was having a conversation with somebody just the other day, who sleeps with their kids full time, which that is their decision, but it's having a major impact on their sex life and one of the couple life because dads lives downstairs mom's sleeps in the bed with the two kids. And I mean, I was hurting and I was hurting the sex life and I told her straight up I said, if you're open to it might be time to set some boundaries with the kids to save them. Ah, but that's the end. The end is I can have an amazing marriage with my husband and an amazing relationship with my kids. When I set boundaries.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, absolutely. And I think this is where we want all of you to start to open yourselves up to as you're listening to this is how can you start to open yourself up to more possibilities, right? So just being closed off and kind of being rigid? Because we don't say like, rigid is brittle, right? Well, the thing about being rigid is it's it's pretty straight arrow, but it's actually really easy to break into yourself all the time. And so instead, we want to do is be a little more flexible and be open to possibility. So it's, you know, we love the idea of, hey, we can F but also like, hey, you know, yes, and instead of No, but because I mean, I'd love to but, and so what we really want to do here is open yourself up to possibility and start to shift these things. So if you think you have a problem right now, and you're like, Oh, I'd love to, but well literally start to get creative with it right now as you're listening to this right. Instead of I'd love to, but it's yes. And and then talk about what would have to happen in order for you to create that.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, exactly. And we did this exercise the other day. It's an exercise that I just learned from one of my coaches, and she was saying, wouldn't it be great if, and that's so much fun. I just I have so much fun doing that. It's not easy, though. Like home at first, you're kind of like, I don't know, I don't know, like, how far can I dream? Like, I'm afraid to say things out loud. But like, you can practice your ends with that, you know, like, okay, wouldn't it be great if we had sex? More than once a month?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. What if we had sex 12 times a day? Oh, by?

Kate MacDougall
Wouldn't it be great if we had sex three times a week?

Eric MacDougall
100%. And I think this is where you want to start opening yourself up and having some fun with this, because that also creates a lot of connection. Right? We talk a lot about couples, I think couples that we've talked to you, they've kind of stopped dreaming, right? They stop allowing themselves to create new possibilities and opportunities. And they've kind of locked themselves up in this box that we talked about. And this is, you know, going full circle to begin this episode is you want to open yourself up to new possibilities to really creating a thriving life for yourself, right? Whatever that looks like. Too many of us are like, Oh, I wish I could but you know, I'm stuck in this marriage, or I'm stuck in this job, or I have four kids or whatever. And instead, shift that whole perspective and start to get creative about the life you can create and really get clear about what it is you actually want. Yeah, right. Because too many of us are kind of stuck in this rat race, where we're just locking ourselves up in this tight little box, and then ended up living a pretty unfulfilling life.

Kate MacDougall
Exactly. Feeling very underwhelmed.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. So that's our, that's our message for you today. Really start adding you know the word and to a lot of your stuff,  but really just start being open. And really getting creative with the possibilities that you can have not only in your marriage, but in your life.

Kate MacDougall
Enjoy your ands.