Gottman's Four Horsemen Part 1: Criticism

This week, we start a 4 part series based on John Gottman's four horsemen. In this episode, we tap into criticism. Why it shows up in a marriage, how it's destructive, and how to remove it from your marriage for good!

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FULL EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Eric MacDougall
So today, so this is really a four part series. So this is part one. We're talking about Gottman's four horsemen of the apocalypse. So for those of you don't know John Gottman's work, really influential voice when it comes to marriage and relationships. He was able to predict whether or not a marriage would end up in divorce up to something like 90% or something crazy. In the first 20 minutes of seeing a couple, right? He has something called the Love Lab, where he brings couples in he studies them. And he predicted that, you know, based on what he calls the four horsemen, which is criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are all behaviors in a marriage that typically lead to couples getting divorced, if this is ever present in the marriage. So each of these episode is gonna be going through one of the horsemen today we're doing criticism, and we're going to dive deep into exactly what it is how it shows up in a marriage and what you can do otherwise, if this is something one of the horsemen that's present. So for us criticism is really sharing a negative opinion of your spouse's character criticism, is the idea of trying to get somebody to feel shame, right. So, you know, there's a huge difference between saying, Hey, I didn't appreciate that you were late coming home today, which is a complaint, which we're gonna talk a bit more about differences. complaining to criticism and going into you're always late, right? So a pretty safe bet that you're criticizing is we use words like always, and never Yeah. And when you're using these blanket statements that really define your spouse's, your spouse as a, as a person in a negative way, we would say that's a criticism. 

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, you're like attacking their personality, you're attacking the person. They're like, as you said, their character. And you're not really focusing on the problem at hand, you're talking about the person themselves. So oftentimes, what happens is you feel this, like kind of icky feeling, you're not feeling good about something that just happened. And then you, you have to find something on the outside to explain why you're feeling this way. So in order to, to feel better about yourself, you start to blame the other person in a really critical way. And that's often how it's the reason it's showing up is because you want to feel better about yourself. Therefore, if I put another person down, if I put my spouse down, I'll feel I'll feel better about myself.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and I think it also comes from, you know, usually what happens is, if we're conflict avoidant, right, typically, we'll have a complaint about something. Because we don't want to make it a really big deal. We'll take that, and we'll kind of repress it and keep it in. Right. So if you were laid out laid on one occasion, and instead of me being like, hey, you know, just heads up, like, I really didn't appreciate you being late today. Like, you know, it made me feel like I wasn't a priority. And I know, you have a lot of stuff going on. But I just wanted to let you know that I didn't appreciate that, you know, not not expressing that. And just really burying that within yourself, because you don't want to create a fuss, or you're like, oh, I don't want to make a big deal out of it. Sometimes it's okay to do that, if you're doing it in a healthy way, right? And you're not bringing it up and you're open, and you're just kind of releasing it right?

Kate MacDougall
Or if it's something that happened, you know, once repeat, it's not a repeated thing, you're not going to bring up everything your spouse does once. But yeah, and keep going.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and I think if you're, you know, repressing a lot of this, what typically happens is, over time, this builds up inside you. And then you release it as criticism. So I agree your, you know, your 100%, right, that when we feel these negative feelings, you know, our mind naturally looks externally for a reason to explain it, typically, because our, our spouses closest to us, will typically throw it on them and blame them, essentially, for our discomfort. But even bigger than that, I think, because we're not sharing some of these complaint or irks, you know, on a fairly, you know, held feeling calm about, right, and you're like, I don't want to bring it up. Because, you know, like, I don't want to create a fuss or maybe these are like, the only interactions you have, maybe you have so little interactions in your marriage, that bringing this up would be like, well, this is the only time we're really going to talk today. And I don't want to bring up a negative interaction. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
and I remember for us, that was something that usually happened often, especially when you were working evenings, and you weren't around much. I would, you know, kind of bottle things inside, using that like soda bottle analogy, right? Like, because we only saw each other maybe four hours a week, during the day. And then we had all these other distractions during that time. It was like, oh, I'll just let this one simmer. I'll just let this one simmer. I'll just let this one simmer. But the more you shake the soda bottle, the more it, you know, builds pressure. And then that's exactly what would happen. I would I would all of a sudden just blow up. You always do this, you never do that you're never around, never pay attention to me, you never take care of the kids. And using these huge blanket statements, which can on the receiving end, that must have been really hurtful for you to hear. You know, you never take care of the kids. Well, hold on.

Eric MacDougall
And I think there's a natural tendency to immediately go against that, right? Because I think the mind naturally knows that it's not true. Right? When you're using all or never statements, I think immediately you're like, well, that's not true. You know what I mean? There is that one time and you naturally want to argue against it. So not only is it not healthy, but I agree, like when you're repressing all this in, you can really kind of, you know, throw this all on your partner at once in the form of criticism, which is really unhealthy, right when it comes to marriage. And not just

Kate MacDougall
that, but it escalates a fight really quickly. So for example, like going back to that example of you're always late. Well, the message you're trying to get across your partner is it really hurt me that you're late, it really makes me feel like you don't value my time. That's the message you're trying to get across. But instead you're saying you're always late. And then your your partner won't be able to hear you through that because they're going to turn around right away. And most likely what they're going to do is throw defensiveness. No, I'm not. I was early on this day. I was early on that day. You're actually the one who's always late. You were the one who was late yesterday and The day before that, and then this one thing, all you wanted to say was, I don't think you value my time, it makes me feel like you don't value my time now becomes this blame game and who's the bad guy and who's actually late all the time. And then the point you're trying to get across, never actually gets across?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, that's a great point. And I think oftentimes, you know, it can we can feed off each other, and that you can really create this culture of criticism and your marriage, or relationships in general. And I think you're right, like, you know, we've seen couples where all they do is speak a language of criticism constantly, in order to kind of move forward with things to get ourselves to do something, right. It's like, if I criticize you enough, you'll move right, just to essentially shut me up. And it's not necessarily healthy. And I think you're hitting on another good point with it, which is, you know, I think oftentimes, when we're criticizing, there's, there's a hidden request there, right? It's like, there's a longing for something that we can't get, and we can't receive. And maybe we don't feel vulnerable or safe enough to ask for it. Therefore, it just comes out and criticism, right? Because we're not actually sitting and asking ourselves, you know, what is it that I want? What is it that I need? You know, when you're late, you know, it makes me feel like you don't pay attention to me, and I want to be seen, I want to be heard, right?

Kate MacDougall
Or when you say, you know, you always you're always on your phone? Well, what is it about your partner always being on their phone, you know, quote, unquote, always being on their phone? That that your what is it about that that's, that's bothering you? It's probably because you missed them, it's probably because you're not feeling seen or heard. It's probably because you miss, you know, connecting with them. So you're right, we're not taking the time, before throwing out that punch. To figure out what am I trying to say here? It's easy to throw out that you're always on your phone, you're always late. You're never here. But what am I trying to say? Really? Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
and I think in a roundabout way, it feels much safer to criticize than to, you know, express your want and have the chance to your partner to say, No, thanks, like, just eff off. Leave me alone. Yeah. Or even even worse, right? Well, what's on my phone is much more interesting to you. All you do is complain, and you kind of suck to be around, you know, that can hit deep at its core. And, you know, sometimes at least in our marriage, you know, there was some truth to that, at some point where neither one of us were very pleasant to be around, right? Therefore, there was this avoidance, and I don't know that any of us necessarily want to bring that into the reality. So we just continue to criticize, hoping that they'll change their behavior to create a space where, okay, now we can create the space for connection that I want, right? Yeah. So if we were to move to what we want to be doing instead of criticizing, you know, John Gottman talks a lot about the gentle startup. And this is really about, you know, approaching your partner with a complaint, but not necessarily in the form of speaking about what they're doing wrong. And said, talking really about these if statements, and we hear a lot about this. In the psychotherapy, we're all in the relationship world. But it is really important to express what's going on for you in a way that's non threatening or non accusatory, right. So you know, in an example, instead of saying, you know, you're always late, or you never clean up after yourself in the kitchen, I think it'd be much easier, much more gentle to start up something in a gentle way. And then, you know, offer a request. So an example of that kitchen idea would be, hey, you know, when I come into the kitchen, and it's it's not really clean, doesn't really make me feel cared for. And I'm wondering if, after you put a sandwich together in this moment tonight, you could have cleaned the kitchen afterwards? Is that something you can work towards in the future?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and I love that example. Because you're really focusing on the moment, you're really focusing on that one specific action, not every other time they did it, or every of their time in the future that they might do it. It was that one specific sandwich, I really would have liked for you to clean that up. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And I think for us, you know, we'd love to take it even a step farther. Because I think if you really take this idea of the positive intent and positive creation, that sentence can even go a little bit further and saying, hey, you know, just want to give a heads up. One of the ways that I really feel loved is when you do some of these acts of service. And you know, when I walk into a kitchen after dinner in the kitchen is really cleaned up. It makes me feel really loved and cared for. It makes me feel like you're thinking about me. And I'm wondering if that's something that you could put a focus on in the future. And so if I don't know if you kind of notice the wording, but it really kind of overrides the complaint all together. And it talks about, you know, giving an opportunity and inviting your partner to make choices that affect you in a loving way. Now, their response could could be like, No, I don't want to do it. or what are you talking about? I always clean the kitchen. And then there could be an opportunity to use say, Yeah, I agree you often clean the kitchen. Just today after you made your sandwich. Are people still eating sandwiches? I'll make sandwiches, right? But it's like, it's like, you know, when you were doing your sandwich in the kitchen today, the kitchen wasn't cleaned up. And so I would appreciate it. If after today, when you made your sandwich, you cleaned up the kitchen, you helped me out with that. And again, right, it's all about the moment and there is still a possibility depending on you know, your history and how your marriage is now that they might still feel its criticism, which you know, what a further episode we're going to talk a bit more about defensiveness. But it's really important to come at this in a gentle, appreciative way. And use I statements and then make a positive request, right.

Kate MacDougall
And remember that your partner has the opportunity to to say yes or no to that request. But that request creates so much connection in your marriage, because it makes your partner feel like you truly care about their opinion. And them and not just about yourself and how the sandwich made a mess in the kitchen. But it really talks about how it makes you feel and how your partner can really show you love. So I love how you you put that that's awesome. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
and we always talk about, you know, bidding for connection and giving your spouse the opportunity to respond to a bid. Right? The more that Kate bids in a healthy way to me, the more opportunity she gives me to receive a bid and then reciprocated in a healthy way. Right. And the more times this happens, the more connected we feel, the more love we feel for each other in our marriage. So going at it from a place of criticism is not an opportunity for your spouse to receive in return a bit. But going out with an invitation to be cared for and say, Hey, this is kind of what I longed for. This is what I feel is an opportunity for your spouse to receive it, and then care right back to you. Hey, I really appreciate you expressing that I'm gonna go clean up

Kate MacDougall
right now. Yeah, it gives them the opportunity to show you love, right another way. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And so it's always an invitation with your bid, which I think doing this over and over and over again, can really help your partner not only receive that bid, but reciprocated, and then grow your marriage into a place where it's loving and connected.

Kate MacDougall
Exactly. And now I know some of you are probably listening and being like, that's my partner, my partner does that all the time, I'm gonna go and I'm gonna make them listen to this episode, and I'm gonna change them because this is not cool, I'm gonna make them not criticize me anymore. That is not your job. You cannot change a person who criticizes you can you can bring it up, you know, like, it would really make me feel loved. If you, you were more careful with the words you used and maybe use dye statements when you spoke to me, you know, using the exact same way that you want them to talk to you use it towards them and show them an example. But there is a way you can help somebody who is criticizing you without necessarily pointing fingers and saying you're criticizing all the time, and you need to stop. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
absolutely. And I think what you're getting to Kate is, you know, if your partner is the one that's being critical of you, what can you do as a spouse who's receiving that, and I think you can really get curious and you know, this is this is can be challenging at first, right? But really trying to understand what the message behind the message is, right? So when somebody comes in, and you maybe you come home late, and they're like, Oh my God, you're always late, you have no respect for me, you're always doing this, you screw up, you know, you always screw up our whole night, inquiring and saying, you know, Hey, what is it about me being late tonight that really impacted you? Right, let's talk about this moment, because I want to do what I can to repair it. I want to help out and you're 100% right, you know, owning that you were laid in that moment? Yeah. And there's an opportunity for you to move out of the criticism zone and move into the complaint zone and then own that complaint. Exactly.

Kate MacDougall
And don't become defensive of it. And don't know I'm not No, I'm not always forget about the always and never just understand that they're trying to communicate something that's hidden under that always a never statement. So try to get them to, you know, guide them to help them express. What is that? What are the what are they trying to say?

Eric MacDougall
Right, exactly. And remind them that, you know, it's about this moment, and, you know, Hey, I see I'm late right now. 100%. I own that. So what can I do right now? What's your plan? How can I help you out in this moment? Right? And I think that idea of like, what can I do right now? And then later on coming back to it and say, Hey, I get the being late trigger. Do I know it's something I do now and again, you know what I mean? And I want to own that, because it's not cool. And I didn't I didn't really tell you I was gonna be late. And so own the mistake you did, right in order to try to form it and allow your partner to make a complaint about it. Because it's totally normal to complain and have a complaint about something your partner is right. Yeah, but it's an unhealthy to have a criticism about who your partner is human being eating and how they show up as a person.