How Disappointment Can Bring You Closer Together

In this episode, Kate & Eric take a deep dive into understanding and managing disappointment in relationships.

Topics:
➡️ Understanding the nature of disappointment and how it affects us.
➡️ The impact of unmet expectations and fantasies on our relationships.
➡️ Strategies to manage disappointment and foster healthier relationships.

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TRANSCRIPT:

Eric MacDougall 

We're talking about disappointment. Disappointment is present in all our lives, right? And really, the simplest way to think about disappointments is we have an idea. I don't want to say expectations, because that's kind of a buzzword that people love using in the negative way. But certainly, we have this idea of what we're looking forward to, what's going to happen, and when that thing doesn't meet the standards that we're imagining when that event, that person, that experience, that, you know what, literally anything, we often experience disappointment. Okay? So this is why it happens to all of us, and really, it's not a bad thing, right? This is kind of what we want to say. We're not into like judging feelings or anything, but like feeling disappointment every now and then is not a bad thing, and sometimes it's very simple, right? Like, it could be, like, I'm looking forward to all of us having dinner on a Sunday night, and it turns out that, based on scheduling, we don't all end up having dinner. And so I would probably feel some disappointment, because I was imagining what it would be like having dinner as a family on a Sunday right?

Kate MacDougall 

Or even going as far as we did have Sunday dinner. We did everything that you imagined, but it wasn't exactly how you pictured it in your head. You know, we didn't have the conversations you wanted to have. Maybe a fight broke out like so disappointments can be of all levels, absolutely,

Eric MacDougall 

yeah, and it's exactly like you're saying. It's we have this idea of what it I hate to use the word should. That's kind of how it is, what it should be, what it will be. And when reality doesn't meet that standard, that ideal that we have in our heads, we experience disappointment.

Kate MacDougall 

Yeah, and when you think about it, like disappointment starts from birth, right? Like you want, maybe not birth, but certainly when you Well, no, really understand the self, you kind of understand maybe not birth because you're like, you feel disappointed, but you don't know that that's feeling you're feeling. But you know it starts very early. You can see it in your kids. When they don't get something they like, throw a temper tantrum and things like that. So this is kind of what we're going to touch on today. I think having expectations, having wants and desires, is totally normal. Something that everybody should and must have, you know. But what is your reaction? How do you react when those expectations don't come to flourish or don't aren't exactly how you want? Because just as a child would have a temper tantrum, you know, isolate, get really angry. Some adults still do that.

Eric MacDougall 

Yeah, absolutely. You know, you call like protest behavior, you know, call it what you want, but 100% and I love what you said, what's most important is what happens after we experience disappointment. That's what matters more. We at least for me, you know, in my life, I've accepted that I will experience disappointment, right? It's going to be part of my life forever, until my last breath. And so this idea that, like, I would live a life without disappointment, well, you know, that's probably just because I'm not for me, like doing enough, pushing myself enough, hoping for enough, etc. There are people out there who have just stopped looking forward to things, who've stopped hoping for things, who have stopped wanting things in order to prevent this feeling of disappointment, right? Yeah, and

Kate MacDougall 

I love that you said that. I think that that is like a very important step to growing to, you know, evolving as a person is, can I accept a life where I am going to have disappointment? I am going to just be disappointed in my spouse, I am going to be disappointed in my kids. I'm never going to be in a relationship where that doesn't happen. Because unfortunately, when you're in relations with other humans, whether it be your spouse, your kids, coworkers, whatever, you're going to be disappointed because of them or by them somehow someday, because they're not in your mind, they're not going to read exactly as you want it, and even if they could, they can't do it in the way that your mind changes, you know, so frequently. So it's so normal for us to be disappointed, and when we can learn to accept that, that's a first huge step in, you know, growing our relationships with people and having good relationships with them that are healthy and having those proper reactions to disappointment. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall 

absolutely. And I often think even you know, when people are kind of in these deep states of, like depression, hating their lives, not enjoying anything, just kind of stuck in this perpetual like, My life sucks. Oftentimes it's because they are experiencing constant disappointment. And again, right? This is really important to understand, because we want you to take responsibility here as a listener. Like, if you're the listener who's like that and like, yeah, cause disappointment, my wife, my son, my this, my that, what's happening is you're not living in reality. You're living in, like, this made up reality, yeah,

Kate MacDougall 

and, and it's for sure, like, you know, you you are allowed to have expectations of a person, and you are allowed to have expectations of a situation, and if those people in those situations keep letting you down, then maybe, yeah, there's something you can reevaluate there. And. Like, hey, are these people beneficial in my life? Or, you know, should I be moving on from them? But you know, it's happened in our relationship numerous times, where I'll come up to you, or you'll come up to me, and, you know, when we're not in our healthiest selves and say, you know, like you're the worst part of my life right now, but it's because we have such high expectations of each other and saying that to another person that's not okay. It hurts and it's painful, but if you can realize before saying that, that it's not the person, it's not your spouse, that's the problem. It's not your spouse that is a disappointment in your life is you're disappointed because you're not able to change or imagine your life any other way than the way that you want it. It's kind of like a toddler, like it's my way or the highway, right? And so if you're able to be very flexible in your thinking and say, You know what, we didn't go on 10 dates in the last six months like I had planned, and I really wanted to do that, and I had given myself that goal, and I didn't reach that goal. And we tried, but, you know, it didn't work. You know, let's keep trying again, like, let's, you know, try to have extra dates next month and or next in the next, you know, six months or whatever. Like, if you can be flexible in your goals or your visions of your life and start, you know, accepting that sometimes they're not always going to be perfect and it's not always going to go your way. Then that's a first step into, like, being like, hey, like, we're going to be okay, and not blaming your spouse not being like, well, it's your fault. Well, I

Eric MacDougall 

want to go even further than this, because, like, oftentimes what happens is we are actually measuring our lives, our spouse situations, against a fantasy. And that's that's a big part of the problem, right? So, so it's okay to, like, fantasize about things. You go for it. That's absolutely awesome, but when you're trying to hold other people to the standard of the fantasy that's living in your head, you're going to be unhappy. And then what's even worse is if you blame them for not showing up according to your fantasy, that's your baggage. That's your problem, right? So, like, the example I'll give is, like, you know, if I'm we're like, going out there all time, and we're hanging out of the beaches all the time, and I'm like, looking, I'm like, Oh, I wish Kate would dress like that, right? That can be a very insidious thought, because then what can happen next is, yeah, Kate doesn't dress like that. And then I start making up stuff, yeah, Kate never dresses sexy for me, right? Like, how self entitled is that? And then I get angry at Kate, right? And then, whenever I see her wearing stuff, I start talking down about her clothes, or I start criticizing things. And why don't you? Why don't you? And then that effect that affects Kate. And so because Kate's not measuring up to my fantasy that's being made up in my head. Not only am I being critical of her, but then my attitude and my energy towards her is not really healthy, and then that impacts her and her experience of life. And so it's really important to understand here that, typically, your disappointments, they're your responsibility, right? So if you're if you are disappointed in your partner, well, first of all, think about, hey, what standard am I measuring them against? Was the standard, like, an agreement that we made? Was a standard, something that they committed to,

Kate MacDougall 

was this even something I've communicated with them exactly? Hey, babe, I'd love for you to wear bikinis. Sure, yeah, at the beach.

Eric MacDougall 

But then, even further than that, asking yourself, like, why is that important? Because this is, like, where you have to, like, kind of own that, yeah, like, it's like, sure, like, I want my wife to wear bikinis. But like, why? Like, why is Don't you want your wife to, like, be comfortable in the clothes that she wears, and want, like, choose clothes that she enjoys. Like, if she wants to wear a bikini, she can wear a bikini. If she wants to wear one piece, she can wear one piece. Like, don't you want is for your wife to love her body and to love the clothing she's in. So that's exactly what you're coming to, right? It's like this childlike idea of, like, the whole world should show up how I want it to show up, and when it doesn't, I experience disappointment. And if you allow yourself to stay in that space, that space of disappointment, that will not only eat you up, that will eat up your experience of life, right? I've seen so many people I talk to, and this is like the collective consciousness here that we're talking about, like people are just angry all the time that life has handed them this and they're just like pissed off about it all. Why? Because they have this like entitlement, this idea that like life should be like this. Hey, I'm so sorry that you tried to get to the end of the internet yesterday on those reels, and that your feed is curated with a bunch of bikini clad women like you. Need to understand that that's not real life all the time.

Kate MacDougall 

Yeah. And unfortunately, those fantasies start, you know, especially for women, I don't know for men, but like for women, they start at a very young age, that Prince Charming and Cinderella and all the Disney movies we watched, and then it grows into, like, all the like teeny bopper movies and TV shows we watch. And like girls are watching younger and younger and younger, like these, like very mature shows, dating shows. It's like, all these, like, love Island things and whatever. Like, I've heard girls in my school who are, like, in sixth grade, like, talk about that, and I'm like, why are you watching that? Like you're so young, but like, they watch it, and then they get this idea of how a man should be and what my man should look like, and this is what my boyfriend should be and look like, and like, I remember having a fantasy young, young of like, what my future husband would look like, and he looked like Eric and The Little Mermaid. Like, good thing you married that guy. I did, oh my god, actually, I did, though 100%

Eric MacDougall 

on that. I love what you're saying.

Kate MacDougall 

And then, and then social media, like you said, you're on it, day in, day out. You're like, Oh my gosh. Everything is like, great, everything is like, beautiful on social media. Why is my life not like, not a lot, not like that, like you're just always, always, always climbing this ladder of unattainable. You know, expectations for your spouse, for your life, for your kids. You know why? Why is my kid not in honor role? Why is my kid not this? Why is my kid not that? Probably 80% of the population has kids who aren't on honor roll, but obviously they're not going to post it on the internet. Like and

Eric MacDougall 

what we want you to understand here, and this is kind of like, we want to say, right? We're not trying to, like, judge your experience of life or anything like that. We are saying, like, it's okay that you're disappointed. Gonna get this right, if you're your whole Instagram reel feed is just really good looking men making out with beautiful women. And then you go, yeah, you go in the kitchen, and your husband's like, scratching his butt in his jogging pants. And, you know, lets one rip. Well, you're probably not gonna be like, super excited. Oh well, wow. But then in that moment, you have to stop, and you have to say, Hey, this is my life. This is my relationship. Is my responsibility. If there's something I'm not enjoying or something I want more of, I need to express it exactly.

Kate MacDougall 

And so going back full circle to the beginning of this podcast, like, how do you react to that disappointment in that moment when I walk into, you know, the kitchen and I'm like, Ooh, I just watched a bunch of really sexy guys on my love Island show that I love to watch now I'm gonna go down in the kitchen. Eric's standing there doing dishes and scratching his butt and farting. Like, it's okay for me to be like, Oh, but it's not okay for me to be like, You're freaking disgusting and, you know, yell at Eric, or have these really negative thoughts about how Eric's disgusting and blah blah. Like, that's not healthy for me to do for my relationship. What would be healthy in that situation is understanding Well, what is it about that situation that would, you know, benefit our relationship? Is there something that Eric could do differently that might, you know, help me feel more attracted to him? And maybe that just means like, Hey, Eric, like, if I'm around you, mind, like, going to have your toot somewhere else, I don't know, yeah, but it could be something. And then just explaining, you know, I I really want to up the desire in our relationship. I want to up the, you know, attraction. And that's just something that I noticed that when it happens around me, I kind of get it. Ick, yeah. So could you please, like, try to do it somewhere else, or spread your butt cheeks and make it quiet. That's disgusting. That's my trick. Oh, we

Eric MacDougall 

all know how Kate parts like, yeah, so. But anyways, we, as we're kind of wrapping up, what we really want every listener to understand is the disappointment will happen. And it's not like this idea that when you're experiencing disappointment for you to fall into judgment of yourself, of your partner, of your life, of your kids, of your job. It's what are you going to do now right after you've experienced disappointment, sure the disappointments there it exists, sure you might want something more. But then are you putting efforts to creating it, or do are you deciding, hey, you know what? I'm just going to be continuously, be a victim of this disappointment, and I'm going to let it eat, eat me up, because I've literally see people, you know, like they they say they're depressed, but really, all they're experiencing, and again, I'm not a clinician, but all they're experiencing is just this like constant loop of disappointment that they they're stuck in, and they're unwilling to get out of it. They're unwilling to look at their life differently. They're unwilling differently. They're unwilling to do something different. They're unwilling to speak up about what they want. They're essentially just blaming their spouse, their life, their kids, their job, their body. Like saying, My life sucks, and that is not a great way for you to experience your life like you have the power to create the life that you want, yeah, and sitting in like, comparison and judgment of your life and just kind of constantly living in this disappointment is not a healthy headspace to be in, and it's up to you to take responsibility for that. The only way you're experiencing disappointment is because the way that you're viewing a situation, right? And so once you truly understand that you can either say, Hey, I'm gonna actually start looking at my life in a through a lens of gratitude, like, Hey, I'm actually now gonna look for stuff every day that I really enjoy my husband, my kids, my job, different aspects of that, so I can enjoy it more, and I'm gonna start being a little more realistic about what I can create. So. But the fantasies that I'm experiencing in my mind, my life, could look closer to that, right? And you're not going to get there without your effort, because it's your fantasy.

Kate MacDougall 

Yes, and if you're in relation with someone else, share those plans, share those ideas, share those dreams with them, because they can help you make them come true. So if you're on Instagram all the time, and watching these reels of these beautiful beaches and all these trips and all these beautiful places you want to go, put it on a dream board. Say, Hey, I would love to go to one of these places. Pick the place you're going to go. Start saving up for it, and figure out how you can make it happen. Or if you know money is tight and you can't do it. Find a place locally that kind of looks like it. Every place on the earth has something that you can experience, that you know would make you feel really great. So what we would like for you to try this week is to experience more gratitude in your life, to notice what is going well for you. What are things that you're enjoying right now? What are things that you can be grateful for, simple things, you know, big things, whatever it may be. And if you're feeling like, I wish, I wish, I wish, often communicate that with your partner. Put it on a dream board, put it on a vision board, put it on a Pinterest board, whatever, but put it out there. Put it out there in the world and talk about it. So these things can start happening for you. And instead of being disappointed, or instead of feeling you know, like your spouse is maybe not meeting your expectations, or you're not your life's not meeting your expectations, start having it happen for you.