How to Handle Conflict When You Have Completely Different Communication Styles

In this episode, Kate and Eric tackle a listener's question about managing conflict styles in a marriage.

"I tend to shut down during conflict—I need time to think things through before I can respond. But my wife wants to talk things out right away and gets frustrated when I withdraw. We both end up feeling unheard and frustrated. How do we find a way to resolve conflict that works for both of us?"

Topics:
➡️ Different communication styles: Internal processors vs. immediate responders.
➡️ Resolution strategies: Writing thoughts post-conflict and scheduling discussion times.
➡️ Personal responsibility: Acknowledging one's impact on communication breakdowns.
➡️ Constructive engagement: Using "I statements," taking breaks, and reaffirming understanding.

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TRANSCRIPT:

So we always get listener questions, which is really great. We don't do a lot of podcasts on them, because typically I like to visit them and email back and forth, but I wanted to include you on this, which I think is really a great thing. So we're going to utilize this podcast to answer a listener question. And if you have a question for us that you want to ask directly or ask on the podcast, you can email me, Eric at Evolve marriage.com and just add the subject line podcast question. And if you have a question, we'll put it in the queue and try to answer it the best we can and jam on it. Yeah,

and like I tell my students at school, if you have a question, there's probably 100 other people who have the exact same question as you. So there is no question that is too easy or too hard or too or a silly question like Ask away. We will answer because I think that that's so valuable for our listeners, and we really appreciate you tuning in and listening to us every week. But if we can help you directly, and if we can do something that's going to impact your life directly, we'd love to do that for you. We'd love to help you out. So the question here's how it actually was written to us, I tend to shut down during conflict. I need time to think things through before I can respond. But my wife, my partner, wants to talk things out right away and gets frustrated when I withdraw, we both end up feeling unheard and frustrated. How do we find a way to resolve conflict that works for both of us,

I like it. I like it. Comment, dilemma of our communication styles don't jive. One partner maybe is more in terms of can't talk fast, shoot from the hip in our dynamic, right? I'm the shoot from the hip. Let's deal with it. Let's face it, right now, very anxious attachment style,

right? Yeah, and I'm very much like, I need to think about this. And a lot of times what happens is we'll have an argument or whatever, and then, like, and I know a lot of people are gonna be like me too, because I've mentioned this to some people before, and they were like, Oh my gosh, I'm the same. It's like, you come out from an argument, you come out from a fight, and then you have 100 things. You're like, I should have said this. And when you said that, I should have said that, and when I said that, I should have said this. Because for me, it takes more time to process information. Takes more time for me to think of my thoughts. And you're very shoot from the hip, like you don't care if the words that are coming out of your mouth are going to hurt. You want to say you're trying to prove a point. You're trying to say something. You're just trying to get your message across. I'm more I like to think about what I'm going to say, and the impact of my words and how that's going to come off. And if I say this, how is it going to make Eric feel? And so I like to go through a filter for everything I say, because it's what keeps me safe, right? It's what keeps me like, okay, yes, I'm going to say the honest things. Yes, I'm going to say how I feel, but I want to be careful and very deliberate in the way that I say it, and sometimes to be manipulative, sometimes to be kind, right? I want to say things that have impact and that have meaning. Whereas you're just like, you're like, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, send out the information, and then it's not to say that what you say is always mean and doesn't have impact, doesn't have meaning. It's just you can process information a lot faster than me, and so you have a way of speaking, and you can, like, improvise a lot faster than I can. Like, I'm okay, hanging out the mess, yeah, and like, you're like, yeah, that didn't come out exactly how I wanted it to, but at least my message is out there and I'm like, that. Didn't come out as much as I wanted it to. Did my message come out? I'm not sure. And so in our relationship, what I found was really helpful for me was actually writing things out. Oh, nice, yeah. So I think, like for me, it was like we'd have an argument, whatever we'd go through it, we'd have a disagreement, whatever it was. And then it takes me to go back, sit back, think about it, maybe talk to some people. Maybe journal about it, whatever. Really take time to digest what just happened, and then write you a message about what it is that I want. I like that because what happens is I can read my message. I can read it again. I can read it again, and I can make sure that, okay, am I coming off as like, accusatory, or am I coming off as like, I'm really trying to be on the same page here. Am I saying things clearly? Am I saying things in a kind way? Because these are all things that are very important for me when I communicate. This is the way I want to come across. And so for me to communicate with you, because I'm such a much slower processor, yeah, yeah, I've had to really digest that. And I laugh, but it's like, English isn't my first language, so oftentimes, like, I'll have to process things in French in my head, or, like, when I get really angry, or when I'm really passionate about something, like, I'll switch the French because it's just that's my first language, and it's easier

for me to yell at me in French, yeah, to win arguments, put me in my place.

And sometimes you come out with big words, and then I get really frustrated. I'm like, I don't know what you're saying. Yeah, like speaking English, and he has speak English. It's just too advanced for me. But I'm like, Oh my gosh, I get so frustrated. So sometimes when I can communicate and write to you, and then I can think about it and digest like things in doing it, in writing, for me is it's much one, it's much safer. For me, it feels much safer. And two, I do feel like, if I'm not shooting from the hip, I'm much kinder, yeah, yeah. And

I think one of the things we want to do is, if we were to zoom out and break this down to, like, really offer value, because I like what you said when really owning your side of the street, and like, being clear about, hey, this is how I communicate better. And these are safe ways that I can engage with these really challenging topics. The first thing I often, you know, when I work with a lot of couples, is, I tell them first is to accept that you're both part of the system, right? So this is, like, the number one like, how we blow our own legs off, is we think that it's all our partner that needs to improve and do things differently, and if only they could, then things would work out better. Yeah, I'm sorry, that's rarely the case. You also have your role to play the disconnection cycle, right? The dynamic of what you would say is miscommunication, unhealthy communication. We like to say misattunement only happens because both of you are in it. Because if the person were to communicate with themselves, they're probably very good at understanding themselves, right? Yeah, and so really important understand that there's some losing strategies here that happen for us. Like we each have losing strategies in the example you had for me, it's what we call unbridled self expression, right? So I'm just like, talking without even thinking about how it lands, how it's going to be received, how it's going to hurt you, like all that kind of thing. I'm just like, I have this message letting it out, and that's a losing strategy that does not add to our, like, a healthy communication style. So I need to own that. I need to own that. And I can't just be like, I'm just talking how I feel and oh, I'm just like, that's how I am. I'm just telling the truth.

Like, yeah, and I love that you're saying that, because I do think that sometimes, because we're a certain way, we think that the our partner is also that way. We don't, sometimes even take time to think, well, there are different ways of communicating in this world, and every human has their own way. And just because I do it this way doesn't mean it's the right way. Doesn't mean it's the only way. So when I'm shooting from the hip and my partner's just sitting back and like, looks like they're stonewalling. They're not. They're trying to digest the words coming out of your mouth, and they're also trying to put shields up because you're throwing hate. And then you're like, why are they stonewalling me? And it's like, they're not stonewalling. They're just like, in complete shock of what's happening, because they're trying to, like, take in all this information. They're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, dodging bullets. And you're like, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot. And then you're like, go, I'm not, like, a gunslinger, like, I can't do the same thing. Well,

I really want to dive into this other side, which you're losing strategy, which I think a lot of people have is to withdraw, yeah, which is also losing strategy, right? If your example is always I can't handle it, so I'm not gonna engage you're too much and so I'm not gonna, no, that's also your side of the street. If you're constantly just closed off and you're like, unless you talk to me in the exact perfect way that I can receive it, and I feel totally awesome all the time, I'm never talking to you. Well, no, that's not okay, right? Yeah. And

it's exactly that. It's understanding that, like, oh. Okay, that's Eric's communication style. I'm gonna give him, like, 15 minutes to, like, shoot from the hip, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And then I have to own my side of street and say, Okay. Now, Eric, you've said a lot. I need time to digest this. I need to communicate with this. I can't just sit there like a deer with it in the headlights and sit there and be like, ah, and like, reaffirming.

Like, how would you reaffirm to me in that moment that this is important? Because part of you in what you're saying is like, Hey, I can't deal with this. Yeah, but what we want to be doing, because if you think about breaking it down, right? So first of all, accept that you're both part of the system of relating this not working. Second step is, what is your side of the street, right? Understanding, like, hey, how am I adding to the unhealthy dynamic? I guarantee you you have a very clear idea of how your partner's not adding to the dynamic. It's probably a lot harder for you to take ownership and say, ooh. I can see how me withdrawing is not helping the communication. I can see how me just like being in your face and intense and waiting for a response very quickly is not helping the communication. So that's the next step, and then stepping into this idea of, okay, if we move towards collaboration, as in, if I can help my partner help me, what would I have to do differently, right? And so in these moments, what you're saying is to be clear, right? Is to say, hey, thanks. That was a lot for me. But then really like, how would you reaffirm to me and essentially help me feel secure in our type of communication, so that you can create some space like and

I think for me, for our dynamic, you coming and gun blazing, me withdrawing a little bit and being like, Whoa. That was a lot. Is like you said, being clear, being like, Wow. You just, I just heard a lot of information there, reaffirming that I did hear you, maybe asking for clarity, maybe saying what it is that I did hear like, what I understood is, and then saying things back in the way they were said. I understood that you're frustrated about this and you maybe don't like when this happened. I feel this way. Yeah, exactly so, reaffirming the things that I said, reiterating the things that I heard, saying what I heard, saying what I understood. So then you can know, okay, she might have been sitting there with her eyes wide open and her mouth open like, ah, but at least she heard me like, okay, so she heard me, and then at the at that point it would be to engage and to make here's my next step. Here's what I am willing to do.

So I love that you're saying that, but I think here, as we're talking about on the podcast, but you're just not getting the bush effect right, because if your go to strategy is to withdraw, yeah, and you're gonna need some time to digest, I think it's important that you take that time,

yeah, but being clear about that and saying this is what I understood. There's a lot of information that was put my way. So Eric, I'm gonna need like, 15 minutes, maybe a couple days, whatever it is you need, like, a personal clarity

is important. Yeah, right, yeah. Because I think this is where, like, I a lot of people get stuck, is they're just like, I'm gonna need some time. Well, now me, who's just kind of like, let it all out. Was very vulnerable. Was very open about my sitting

there, like, yeah, it's like, all your heart's open, and you're like, what? Yeah. So

the collaboration, I think, at least for me as the person who's receiving your message needs to be this is important to me, and I want to engage in this, and what I need is a little bit of time. That time is 20 minutes, yeah? So I'm gonna take 20 minutes or listen, I'm gonna take 24 hours. That was a lot. I will come back to you in 24 hours. I will re engage with you, so you're not gonna have to chase me. I will re engage with you before tomorrow at three, and I will have a response to what you just said. Yeah, right. And I think if you were to say that to me in the moment, I, you know, first of all, I might be like, you know, in my adaptation, be like, I don't really believe you, and you're like, Hey, Eric, it's okay if you don't believe me. That's my commitment to you right

now, yeah. And that has happened in our relationship, because there has been breaches of trust. There has been like, Okay, we'll come back on, we'll talk about it tomorrow, and it never happens again. We'll talk about this tomorrow. It never happens. And I'm sure people can relate to that? Oh, for sure. And it is scary being the partner who's not very strong in communication. Maybe it's somebody like me who's trying to avoid any type of conflict, who's trying to avoid any time of any type of discomfort that their threshold for discomfort is very small

for conflicts

Exactly. So they don't have a lot of patience for it. They don't have a lot of, like, bandwidth for it. So if you're a person like that, it's totally normal for you to be like, Wow, I don't actually want to come back on this. I'm just gonna hide in this corner and hope it goes away by itself. But by doing that, you're breaching that trust. And every time your partner comes in, guns blazing, and you're like, I need to think about this, and let me, like, think about this, and we'll come back on it. Your partner's not gonna believe it, and what happened in our dynamic is because Eric wasn't believing it, he was pushing harder, he was getting louder, he was getting more angry. He was really like, No, you obviously don't understand. How important this is. I was like, You can't leave, you can't leave because I'm gonna lose you and you're not gonna come back. So he pushed harder, and then I retreated further and further, and then it became this push and pull, and then it becomes this, like, very unhealthy conflict dynamic. And I want to add to

this, because I know you're saying a lot, but I don't want to excuse that. Like, that behavior is okay. Like, for me, what I'm saying, like, No, you have to stay here, and we have to talk about it. That's adding to the dysfunctional dynamic. Like, it's not okay to keep somebody in a spot, yes, where they're feeling threatened. No,

definitely not. But it's also not okay to be making false promises over and over and over. So, like you said, there are two sides to each dynamic. If you're pushing, then I'm pulling. If I'm pulling, you're pushing. It's like there is a dance here, and it takes two people to tango. Yes, your partner might be abusive with their words. They might be really aggressive, they might be really pushy. They might be forcing you to stay in these uncomfortable conversations. Take a step back. Look at how you're showing up in the conversation. Why do you think your partner is doing that? Is it because you're not coming back? Is it because you're avoiding and making false promises and then saying, Oh, we're gonna talk about this tomorrow, and then not that's what happened with us. I was making those promises, and then I was like, hopefully, if I don't say anything, that'll just sweep under the rug and the problem will resolve itself. But then that made Eric lose trust, lose trust, lose trust, to the point where even just getting into conflict, like the first thing he would say was very aggressive and very like, you're gonna stay here and we're gonna deal with this. Because I was like, he didn't even give me the chance.

I was like, I'm gonna have 30 seconds. I have 30 seconds point across before you.

And not just that. But then it made me even more uncomfortable with conflict, because our conflict was so intense. And so I'm gonna say violent, but not like, in a physical sense, but

oh, there's some violence, like, in aggression. Like, wow, yelling at your partner is violence,

right? It's uncomfortable. And so if that's the conversations you're having, well, duh, you're not wanting to have any conversations with your partner like, of course, you're avoiding conversations like, it makes so much sense that you would because, like, who wants to be part of that. But understanding going back on what you said, understanding that there are two sides to each story, that it takes two to tangle. Your partner is doing this because you do something so and none of the behavior is excusable. None of it is. It's okay that you're yelling at your partner because they're pulling away, and it's not also okay that you're pulling away because your partner's yelling. That's where it becomes dysfunctional. That's where you need to get some help. That's where hiring a coach to move through these fears that you have and move through these things, and getting accountability to say no the next time we're in conflict, I'm going to think about it. I'm going to come back, even though it's uncomfortable, yeah.

So what would it look like? Because now we want to move towards collaboration, right? And this is what we encourage. You know, the person who asked this question, the listener is like, you always need to think about, hey, I want to move from self protection, which is totally normal human behavior, that is leading to disconnection, and I want to move towards collaboration. And listen, that's scary, that's vulnerable, that's gonna take guts, right? It's gonna take courage. So let's say, for you, who's typically the avoidant partner, what would it look like for you to step into collaboration? So let's say we were in this kind of disconnection cycle, and you're like, hey, I want to bring the olive branch into this, and I want to change things. What would your step of owning your side of the street, owning your part in the dynamic and like a commitment to moving forward

look like, is it after we've had an argument, or, like, in the disconnection

cycle? You kind of get it now. You're like, okay, I can see my pattern. Okay, but now you want to bring it into like, Hey, we're a team, and so I'm gonna own my side as the teammate.

Yeah. So I would explain my communication style to you. I would say, when we're communicating, this is how I am. I'm a person who needs time. I'm a person who needs to process things. I like to think about what it is. I like to write things down. So my commitment to you is that when you express yourself, I'm going to take time and then I'm going to either write to you or write down something that I'm going to then read to you, because I need to process my thoughts in that way. And so when you speak to me, I like and then that's where, like, the boundaries come in. I will listen to you explain calmly what it is that you want. I will listen to you explain clearly what it is that you need. And then I will take some time. For me, I would need about an hour. So for me, I would say, I would I'm going to take about an hour to digest what it is that I need, and to digest what it is that you said, and then I commit to coming back to you, either by writing or by writing something down and then reading it to you. Do. To answer whatever it is that you need. And I think that would be a very healthy way for you to one understand my needs in communication, to understand my style of communication, to say, like, why did she just sit there and stare at me? Well, it's because I'm processing things like, my brain is actively thinking when you're talking. I'm like, Okay, wow, he sounds really angry about this. There's a lot happening in my when

you're in, like, a good spot, yeah, when you fall into your adaptation, you're not like, typically, then you fall to, yeah, I need to get out of it. Like, oh, you know, again, the whoosh effect and all that stuff, exactly.

So it's just now, if we're in this very unhealthy dynamic, it would be like my commitment is also to listen to you and for us. And it sounds silly, but to say I'm going to give you, like 15 minutes to get your thoughts out, to be as clear and kind as possible, and after that 15 minutes, I'm going to walk away and I'm going to digest what it is that I heard in those 15 minutes. If, after I've digested and we've spoken about it, and you don't feel like I heard you, or you don't feel like I understood you correctly, I'll give you more space to explain yourself and to say what it is that you need to say, like at another time, at another time, but I need some time between our communication to really think this through. And that would be something that I could say as the kind of more avoidant withdraws partner, yeah. And then for you, what would you say to me? For me to try to understand? Yeah. So

communication, first love that first, I need to really take responsibility for my side of the dynamic, which is, whenever I don't feel heard understood, I tend to get loud, bigger, accusatory, intense, right? And one of the things I think, too, that could really benefit the collaboration here is to take ownership of how your behavior impacts your partner. And so in that case, I might say something like, I could, I can understand how when I get loud and I get big and I start getting intense, that to you, that's really scary,

yeah? And I think that's something that I could do, too, on my side, is say, I understand that when I withdraw, when I don't say much, you probably think I'm not listening to you and I'm not hearing you, yeah, yeah. I like that. I like that. And

so really, and then I could reaffirm and be like, I can see how that's really scary and how that adds to your disconnection cycle. So what I would say too is, and I can see how you know me being in that state would be really hard to have a conversation with. Therefore it makes perfect sense that you're avoiding some of these conversations, because the way I show up in those conversations must feel scary and intense, and yeah, it makes perfect sense that you want to avoid it, right? And so this is like, really high level we're talking about, right? Not everybody has number one this awareness or has the courage to share this, but this is like the like kind of master level stuff, where you want to own how your choices are not only impacting your partner, but also enabling their part of the disconnection, because it plays together, like you said, it's a dance. So without me taking a step, you don't take a step. We're not just like, hanging out and doing nothing. And then you're like, I'm gonna withdraw, yeah? Typically it's like, me saying we gotta talk, and then it's Whoa. You're like, on

guard, and then I'm like, withdraw, yeah. And so Kate, withdraw. So I need

to own that, and then essentially, I would take responsibility for that, not only how it's adding to the dysfunction, but also how it's affecting you personally, and how it leads you to do your losing strategy of withdrawing, yeah, and then I make the commitment, which is, you know, what I'm really committed to, is I'm gonna express myself in a way where I use I statements, where there's no blame, where I try to stick to the facts, and I try to talk about how I feel, and I'm going to keep my voice tone low, so that it's easier for you to understand and take in and then moving into collaboration. What I would really love is that when you feel yourself shutting down, feeling the need to withdraw, maybe just put your hand up and say, Hey, I need a break. And that'll be a great reminder. I'm not saying I'm going to jump on it all the time, but that'll be actually a great reminder for me with practice, to say, hey, now is your time to like, Eric, take a breath, maybe slow down and re engage later after time out. Or maybe it's just time to like, hey, yeah, you're right. I'm blaming a lot. I'm gonna re pivot to focusing on me and my feelings, yeah,

and us going through couples therapy, us going through coaching, going through a lot of conflict experience. That's something that that has been really beneficial for us, is and when our conflicts get really bad, it's because I didn't commit to walking away. And I have this idea, if I sit there and I listen to Eric continue to open up and talk about his things, and just keep going and keep going. Keep going like I'm helping him, he feels better because he's letting it out. But. But it's not, it's not a healthy dynamic. It is not helping him feel better. It is just him continuing to push and push and push and push and try to get his word across. So by saying, Hey, I'm no longer able to take any more information in. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling a little much, not even having to say that, but having a sign, having a word, we've had some therapists say, say potato. It's a random word, just say potato. And when you hear potato, everything stops, yeah? And that's kind of commitment you make, a commitment we've made. And so when that commitment isn't being followed through, that's when our arguments escalate the most. Yeah,

and you know, again, just wrapping this up, you need to understand that, like we all have these losing strategies. We all have these adaptations, if you will, there's nothing wrong with you. Like we learned these adaptations a long time ago. You learned throughout your lifetime that getting into conflict and facing conflict head on was very dangerous, and so you avoid it. For me, I learned that not facing conflict and allowing people to just keep everything under the rug was very dangerous, because that could come out in the rug, get pulled out from under you at any point. Very much anxious attachment for you, very much, that avoidance style of attachment, what you're describing to this idea of what you call it fawning, right? Which is, I'm just gonna be here and let Eric kind of work through all his anger, and I'm just gonna placate him for a bit, and then hopefully it'll go away and he'll feel better. The visual that I always give is, you know, you're like a deer and I'm a bear, and I come in and I swipe you, and then you're just like, Oh, okay. You're like, on your back, you're like, whatever you want to just do whatever, and then when you're done, it's good. It's like, that's not helpful, because in the end, I don't want to be a bear. I don't like that part of me. So after we have these like, disconnection cycles, I fall into shame. I fall into my own anger, self loathing, all that stuff. I'm not saying it's okay or your responsibility to make me stop being a bear, but you know, the person who is withdrawing and who is fawning needs to take responsibility for, oh, I can see that the Fauci strategy is unhealthy for our dynamic. Yeah. And in that moment, I need to step up and be a bear as well and say, Hey, Daddy Bear. Like, no, yeah.

And being a bear, like, I don't need to take out my claws or my teeth, I just need to say no, yeah,

it's loving firmness, right? I love you, yeah? Right now I cannot hear you, yeah? And I

love the analogy of a bear, because if you really think about scientifically, a bear, like, a bear, won't start by swiping, he's gonna start by, like, standing tall, standing their ground and looking really big, and that's all you need to do, is I just need to, when you're like, I need to stand tall, hold my ground and say, hey, no more. Yeah, that's enough. And that takes a both ton of that, especially if this dynamic, if this listener who wrote in to us, this is something that they have been living through for years and years and years. These are really bad habits. These are really bad adaptations that you've created in your relationship, in your life, and it's going to take time to heal. It's going to take time to get back to a place where you can trust in your communication. You can trust that your partner is not going to take out their claws and teeth. And also, you can trust that your partner is not just going to fawn and lay down like an opossum and play dead. You have to build that trust. You have to build that dynamic again in your relationship, but anything with work, with time, with partnership and understanding that, like, Hey, we're in this together. And we've said this before, the subject at the hand is the enemy. Yeah, the conflict, and the way we have conflict is the enemy. You, Eric, are not the enemy me. Cade, I'm not the enemy. We're not doing anything wrong. We're just simply maladapted. So we just have to readjust our wiring, readjust the way we think, readjust the way we do things, in order to show up healthier in our communication dynamic, in order to have a healthier relationship.

Yeah, very well said, and we're gonna wrap up. But if you want more of these videos and more of these podcasts, just send us an email. Email me Eric at Evolve marriage.com and write the subject line podcast question. And if you're following us on YouTube, subscribe, follow, do all the fun stuff or comment below and let us know what you think, what your disconnection cycle strategy is. And if you have any more questions, we're more than happy to respond to them. We'll see you next time. Cheers. Bye.