Overcoming Resentment in your Relationship

In this episode, Eric and Kate MacDougall explore the nature of resentment in relationships and how to tackle it head-on.

Topics:
➡️ Understanding resentment as a result of unmet expectations.
➡️ The importance of grieving and forgiving past mistakes.
➡️ Expressing needs and expectations through courageous communication.

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TRANSCRIPT:

Eric MacDougall
So today we're talking about resentment. Yeah, I think everybody has, you know, some experience with resentment, either the person resenting which happens all of us, or the person who is feeling people are resenting. Yeah, exactly. And one of the things so for me, the most basic description I gave about resentment in a relationship is typically, resentment is created when we have an expectation of the way something should go, kind of how something should be. And a person does not show up in that way, or does not follow through on that agreement, right. Oftentimes, when I think about resentment and relationship, it's pointed towards a person, sometimes you can kind of resent yourself, but that's not very common, oftentimes, the brain points to outward sources. And when somebody's not following through on what you your idea of them is, so it's not always the commitment they make, it's your idea of them and how they should be. You tend to build up and hold resentments towards them. And we see this like in long standing relationships where people still hold on to resentment, you know, towards their partner based on something that happened 2030 years ago. Yeah. And the idea is, hey, 2030 years ago, this is what I expected from you, right, and this is what you should have done, and you didn't, and I resent you for it. Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And I remember, you know, us going through our hard period, and then having to heal from that. And there's still times where I thought resentment will creep up and will come back for me and like, you know, but I, I understand that the work that I need to do is to grieve the past grieve what I wished the past looked like, accept it for what it was, because obviously, now we can't change it. It is what it is. I know you love that expression. But also forgiving you for things that have happened in the past. But I think the most important part that we often forget when it comes to resentment is the forgiveness towards ourselves. And I know for me, that's that's the big work is being able to forgive myself for making the decisions I've made, or, you know, doing things that I might disagree with now, saying things I said, not doing things I said I would do. And I think that part of resentment, if we really look at it, is we're really angry at ourselves for something that we cannot control. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
I can understand you thinking about it that way. And I can see that in those moments, you know, if you're having trouble accepting that, you know, even in a state where you were a victim of my emotional abuse of my alcoholism, etc. That it would probably be hard for you to say like, Hey, yes, I was a victim of this. And also, I'm angry that I let this happen to me. Right? Is that kind of what you're saying? Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And then sometimes I, you know, there's this part of me, well, what if I had left? You know, could we have found each other in a healthier place, and there wouldn't have been all of this abuse and healing that needed to be that needs to be done now, because of it. Had I left? Had I made the decision to go, you know, would our kids be in a healthier? You know, emotional state? Would I be in a healthier emotional state? Would you be in healthier emotional state what our relationship be in a healthier emotional state? You know, but it's all of those things. Like you don't know, we don't know, if I had left, if we would have found each other. Wait, I don't even know if I had left if you would have quit drinking? Or yeah, if I wouldn't have just jumped into another relationship with all my baggage, you know, like, and

Eric MacDougall
I think as you're saying that, you know, what comes to me in this, like in the mastermind, we have a whole module on like helping your partner clear resentment heal and kind of overcome some of these traumatic incidents of the past. And one of the things that as you're talking, I recognize, is that all often this whole idea of like, oh, what could have been if I only would have made that choice, if only actually prevents healing? Right? Because Because what you're talking about now, the whole like, what if what if what if only exists in your mind, like you could never possibly know that, right? Because that choice, that opportunity to make that choice? 20 years ago, or whatever is gone has come and gone? Yeah, you can make the same choice today. And it would be lead to different circumstances, right? Because we're different people, we're having different situation, different time of life, etc. It's just not the present moment. Yeah. And so one of the things that is really important is saying is that, you know, if you are intentional and wants to heal resentment, and you want to heal your relationship, it's important not to continue to perpetuate this idea of like, what if I would have done this and what about this possibility, and kind of imagining this idea If you would have made a different choice in the past that your life could be better, right? Because because then what that leads to is, you know, again, by comparison, you're admitting that your life is not as good as when it could have been. And you can't possibly know that. And by being in comparison, you're often taking away any possibility of joy from the moment cuz it's compared to this imaginary fantasy. Yeah. Right. And so not to say like, taking anything away from what you're what you're expressing, but just understanding that oftentimes living in that kind of what if land prevents real time healing from happening in the relationship? Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And I have, you know, spoken to like therapists and things that, you know, the work that I can do to help me heal that is to rewrite my past, not lies, and not make up stories of what I wish it could have been, and whatever is rewriting in a way that it turns it positively, you know, seeing what was positive about it, you know, like, despite you, yes, being an alcoholic, and yes, emotionally abusing you, and yes, me and, and yes, that we didn't have a good relationship, there were some very good moments in those times. And those are always overshadowed, because of the things that I choose to see. So if I can start seeing my past differently, and seeing what was good about it, and seeing the positives that came out of it, and maybe it's just, you know, by choosing to stay with Eric can stick it out and made our relationship stronger. It made us who we are today, we wouldn't be helping other couples, if we didn't have that past, we wouldn't be able to understand and see humans that are suffering in the way we see them now, you know, so maybe that's the positive twist on it, it doesn't necessarily mean that like, oh, well, you know, like, Eric did buy me flowers sometimes, like, that's not at all what I'm saying to do, it's, but if you can re you know, reframe your past and start seeing more positive things about it, then it kind of helps you get away from that. What if, what if, what if, what if, what if you start seeing, like, there were a lot of beautiful things in the past. And, you know, despite our relationship, where it was, and things like that, we still had two beautiful children, two healthy children, we raised them. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
I think a big part of trying to get to that, because I'm sure there's listeners right now, they're like, yeah, that's all great to look back on. But I just have so much resentment from my partner. You know, like, I know, like, there was a time in our relationship where, you know, on both sides, were like, I couldn't stand his look at you, like, I just had this hatred for you, you know what I mean? I'm sure vice versa was the same. But then eventually, you get to a place where it's like, I actually resent you. And that was that resentment is like a, it's like a seed, right? And builds over time within you. And so some people, you know, if you started with this, like, small, miniscule thing two years ago, and then it continued to build and build and your your partner continued to let you down based on the expectation you have of them, as a husband, as a wife, as a provider, as a sexual partner, as whatever, right, like you have these expectations of your partner. And that's, that's the reality for all of us. You know, people don't have expectations. My partner, of course, you have expectations. Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And I think it's especially women do, right? Because we, I'm generalizing, I mean, I'm sure there's some men who dreamed of their wedding day and whatever. But like, I remember being little walking home from school, and it was snow. And I would have snowflakes in my hair. And I would imagine my wedding day, and I would have confetti in my hair. And you know, this is what it looked like. And like, this is me seven year olds walking to school, like I was imagining my wedding day, I would play house and imagine what it would look like to be married and have kids and I knew I was going to have two kids and my husband was going to be a firefighter. I don't know why you're not a firefighter yet. But you know, I have to grieve that pass. You know, like, it's just, I had I had this expectation, I knew what my favorite was gonna be. And I love because yeah,

Eric MacDougall
no, no, I don't think it's silly at all. I think it's perfectly normal, because we all dream of our own futures. Yeah. And I think that's a great example was kind of the wedding day, because, you know, a lot of people have that idea. You know, and like you said, especially women, right, but men to men, it's like to be married. But the idea here is, then what happens on the wedding day is you have this whole idea. And then when I get thrown in the mix, let's say and I'm like, well, actually, this is what I want. And and so then what happens in that moment, it's like, wait a minute, you're not living up to my idea of what it meant for me to be married. Because my idea was that I was going to have a husband who just made the wedding day about me, and not even like actively thinking that it's just in my imagination. My husband was just like this kind of dark facade, right. And I was the center of attention and dreams, which is perfectly normal for a kid. Yeah. But then what happened is as you grew up, now, you have to kind of come to terms with this idea of like, wait a minute, it's not my wedding day. It's our wedding day. Yeah. And then that's where the resentment builds. It's like no, you should be a husband who allows me to have my day special Today,

Kate MacDougall
and then even going further than that this is not my marriage. This is our marriage. And you know, yes, I might have an idea of what my, you know, I it's written in my diary somewhere like, top 10 qualities for my future husband. Sure, by the way, you have like five of the 10? I don't know. Yeah, still not

Eric MacDougall
a fire probably stuff most of my hair.

Kate MacDougall
No, but it's like, but I had this idea growing up of what my husband would be like, and and do you match all of that? No, because the husband, I was imagining with some Ken doll who was literally made of plastic and didn't talk or move or to have any say, because, of course, that my life was gonna be this way. And as soon as you start putting your ideas, it's exactly that I'm like, well, that's not my marriage. That's not what I imagined a marriage would look like. And

Eric MacDougall
but 100%, if you think about it, like relationships are really about all these like miniscule contracts, right? That we create, whether sad or unset. And this is where the resentments gets created. I have an expectation of you're gonna, one of the most common ones is this idea that, because we're married, both partners are going to actively have sex with each other forever, we're

Kate MacDougall
gonna have sex the whole our whole life. And then at some point, it's marathons. Every week, one

Eric MacDougall
partner is like, I'm not really into doing that anymore. I'm not enjoying sex, like, whatever, maybe they're not even willing to talk about it. But they're just like, stop. And now their resentment builds, because it's like, hey, part of the deal was you were gonna have sex with me or whole marriage. But the reality is like, that was never part of the deal. You know, we never like the reality is is what a wife would be. And like, you had a manual, we call it a manual for your partner. This is what my partner is supposed to be. And whenever they're not, like following that manual, little bit of resentment pops up. Yeah, what's really dangerous and this is what I want to add to this podcast, because I know we're gonna share our time here. But what's really dangerous is when you do not express what your desire or your expectation was, that your partner couldn't meet. Because this is what happens is, you know, and I see even in our relationships, sometimes when I feel the resentment building after one or two weeks, oftentimes for us, the classic go to is, you know, for me when I get anxious, I like overwork. So I just like go to town on making all lunches doing all the property running errands, you're feeling depressed, your desire, I over functioning, right? And then so what happens is, as I'm over functioning, and doing all this, I'm burning myself out. And then I start to create this expectation in my head, which is, where's Kate? Why isn't Kate doing the same amount of work as me? How come I'm How come I have to do all this? Yeah. And then you're just like going about your day living your life? Right? Oftentimes, yeah, you're like, super helpful most of the time. But because I'm like burning myself out. I'm like, I need my partner should recognize how much work I'm doing. And she should come save me. So what I'm actually think that's kind of like the feeling, right? It's like, you need to come to my rescue and make this fair, and you need to be as exhausted as I am. And the fact that you're not, it means that you're not leveling up your side of the bargain. And so what happens is the resentment builds. And what I recognize is like, if I let that resentment, build and build and build sometimes, I mean, it used to go on for weeks. And it would like, just explode right out of nowhere. Now, it's different. Now I express it. First, I own my resentment. Right. So it sometimes it doesn't even get to you or have to talk about it. Sometimes it's just like me, thinking and being like, oh, Eric, you're really stressed out. And you don't have to do fucking nine, Costco runs this week. Right? It's like, chill out, take a break. It's not Kate's fault. She's not coming to your rescue. What's actually happening is you're overdoing it. And you're not giving yourself the time you need. Right. And so don't go, like push this on Kate, and make it her responsibility to come save you from your inability to relax. Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
I don't have like a honey do list, right? Like holding it up in your face. Like you better

Eric MacDougall
do that. Yeah, exactly. And so that's like, the first step is you need to own your expectation here and kind of what's happening, and then decide, like, does this something that I can clear on my own? Right? Because most of the time, like, this even gets you I'm like, why don't why? I'm resenting, Kate, this is crazy. I'm just, I'm exhausted. I take time for myself. So it'll happen. Have a look, I'm gonna go on my own over the weekend for a couple hours. You're like, yeah, go ahead. Sounds great. You've been super stressed out, get that out of here.

Kate MacDougall
was awesome. Good, right. But sometimes,

Eric MacDougall
you know, it does get to the point where I express it. And I say, Hey, can I you know, you have time to listen to me? And you're like, Yeah, sure. I just been realizing I've been holding on to resentment for you. I guess I had this expectation that like when I'm starting to feel exhausted and working, that you would just kind of jump out of nowhere and take on a lot of my tasks.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, that I would read your mind and have a crystal ball. That's like, Eric, right. And

Eric MacDougall
one of the things I want to say here, so I get we're kind of being jovial, but I don't know that we have to make a joke about it in the moment, because it's a very real thing, like and the feeling is not like what I'm thinking because when you said that immediately what came up to me was resistance. But it's not that I want you to have a crystal ball. It's not that I want you to imagine my thoughts. It's, I want you to recognize me enough to see that I'm suffering. Right. And so like, I don't need you to like guess everything I'm thinking. But my thought in that moment is like Kate a Can the expectation, right? Because whenever we're using should if you're using should in your language, it's an x, it's an expectation you have somebody yourself. That's exactly right. And so, but in the moment, it's like, Kate should like we should be close enough. And she should know me enough and love me enough to see that I'm exhausted. And I need help. Yeah. And so she should come to me again, should come to me and say, Eric, I see, you're exhausting. And after that, I don't know, to me, it just means save me. That's kind of like, I don't really know what it looks like, really, you know, because I think even a moment became a helped me, I was like, Oh, I'm good. Leave me alone. You know, but, but that's kind of what's happening. So I don't know that necessarily, that I need you to, like, I know, you're being funny, you know, but it's like, I don't need you to read my mind. I think sometimes we say that. But what I really need is for you to recognize that I'm struggling. And this is like a lot of the resentment that builds on people is like partners, you know, either they're afraid to engage with their partner, when they're see they're struggling because of their own baggage, right, of engaging with partners and afraid to be in conflict. But also, they just don't even pay enough attention to the partner, right. And so that's what that's I think, for a lot of people is like, you're not even recognizing that I'm suffering. Like, here, I am suffering, I go to bed every night. I'm deeply sad. I'm deeply wounded on the inside. And you're just like, fucking How was your day? You know, and to kind of like act like it. And so I think that's where the resentment builds. Now, for you, the person who has the resentment inside you that's building, you need to take the courageous step to express yourself. Right? So this is like where the other side comes, you're talking about, it's like, I can't read your mind. It's like, No, you're right, you can. But I also have a responsibility, like, I hope that you can come help me and see me, but sometimes you can't, because you have your life, right. And so I need to be able to open myself up to you. And that takes courage. And I think that is the hardest part for people.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And I think as the partner receiving that, it's so important that to understand how courageous your partner is being when they're coming up to you, and they're saying, Hey, I'm struggling, right. Now, here's, here's what I'm struggling with. To not overreact to not say, I'll come on whatever like, or I am, or, or defend yourself, like I have helped you everyday, this week, I helped you and blah, blah, like, take that opportunity, allow your partner to open up and be open to it. They're not there to criticize you. They're, they're literally talking about themselves. And if that comes and triggers something in you, it's not the time to bring it up right now. In this moment, give your partner the time and space to talk about it. And then when they're done, you know, thank them for being courageous. Thank them for sharing that. Get curious about it. If you must, if you don't completely understand it's okay to ask questions, get curious. And then, you know, ask how you can support, ask what you can do that would help your partner in that moment. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And I think in that moment is really important, right? Because a lot of times, we get stuck on this idea of like, well, what would you want me to do? And the partners responses like, well, you can't do anything this happened last week. And so I think we really need to get to a point. And these moments, this is what the healing is all about. Right? It's like you because you can help people heal and reshape and reconnect and feel secure again. It's like, you know, I'm number one, I got to own that. I'm sorry that I wasn't there in recognizing that you were struggling. You're right, I was so distracted with X, Y, and Z. And that's unfair. It's not really how I want to show up and it goes against the commitment I made to you. Right? So owning that doesn't mean you're bad doesn't mean anything. It just means that hey, he maybe could have paid more attention your partner on that. And then I'd love to help you what, how can I help you now? Or what do you need from me right now. And the now part is important, because it's not, again, like how all three weeks ago, you should have done this, or in the future, make sure you never do X, Y and Z again. No, it's like, hey, right now, what do you need? And so that's just like, I need a reaffirmation that I matter. And I need you to check in with me once a day, just see how I'm doing. We're just just the word saying, Hey, how you hold it up today, and then just waiting for me to respond. That's what I need from you. Is that something you're able to give me? Right? And then that's a partner? Yeah, I can do that. And I can go set an alarm on your phone or do whatever, to make sure that you follow through on this request from your partner, which is really, really important. And so when you think about this idea of resentment, you know, it's kind of both partners can play at it. But if you feel like you're the partner who is has this resentment built, well think about the expectation you have that your partner's not meeting and then own that expectation and express to your partner that you're holding resentment, because you have this expectation. And here's what you need right now and make a request. And if you're the partner who, you know, there's a lot of resentment coming out, you feel well seek to understand and ask how you can help your partner. Now, sometimes the resentment is serving them and maybe it's protecting them in a little way, right?

Kate MacDougall
It might not even be at a place yet where they're willing to see that it is resentment.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. Or let go of it or anything like that. For some reason, you know, people hold on to resentment. Maybe for some people, it's like a comfort blanket, right? Like, I like being resentful. It's a fee. It's a familiar feeling to me, right? So if your partner is unwilling to let go of resentment, that's okay. But just reaffirm that you're here and you want to help them. And that, you know, you're going to show up the best way you can for them, and that sometimes you might need some help, and a bit of direction for that. And so, as you're kind of thinking about this idea of resentment, building your relationship, think about ways you can clear it by being vulnerable by opening up and by seeking to understand your partner