103: Quieting your Inner Critic

In this week's Episode, we talk about the "inner critic". That little voice in your head that just won't seem to go away. 

Also, Kate shares her experience of "failing" our sex challenge.

We chat about:

➡️ What exactly is the Inner Critic
➡️ How it gets in the way of healthy relationships
➡️ How it's directly linked to your self confidence

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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Eric MacDougall
Speaking of the inner critic, speaking of the outer critic, actually, that's you right now.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, sometimes you don't need an inner critic, because honestly, there's some times in the relationship where I feel like, okay, Eric, thank you for voicing the things out loud that I tell myself all the time. So now be quiet.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, that can be especially hurtful, right?

Kate MacDougall
We're gonna get into that. Yeah. Because the inner critic can impact your relationship in many ways. But let us start by talking about what the inner critic is.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. So. So really, you know, the simplest way to think about this. I think a lot of people know what the inner critic is, in a sense, but we're gonna explain it here kind of in our terms. So this is kind of that that inner voice that you have. It's there for a reason, right? Typically, it's there to prevent you from looking ridiculous. You know, it's partly kind of your ego as well. So when your ego is telling you like, Oh, don't do that stupid thing. You know, you're gonna look stupid. If you do that. It's trying to protect you from feeling not great.

Kate MacDougall
Typically, right? Which is your normal response. Right? As a human, we want to feel safe. We want to feel like like we belong, so that inner critic helps protect us helps us keep human become say human might stay human

Eric MacDougall
It helps us make decisions, when it's derived in that kind of healthy place around guilt, kind of healthy avoidance, you know, making good decisions, etc. It becomes a problem when your inner critic becomes very loud, especially when you get into things like shame or toxic shame. And it essentially starts to run your life and prevents you from, you know, living your best life, I would not even say living your best life from living a healthy life, right? Sometimes, for some of us, our critic, or inner critic is so loud, that it literally debilitates us from doing anything, we're just kind of frozen.

Kate MacDougall
So oftentimes, what happens is that inner critic will stop us from making the decisions that might be healthy for us, or stops us from trying anything new, or opening up or being vulnerable, being vulnerable, which in has an impact on your relationship, it can have an impact on the way you're showing up as a wife, or as a husband, it can have an impact on the way you're, you know, communicating things in your relationship. So being consciously aware of that inner critic, and how loud it is, because everyone has, you're not going to get away from it. Everyone has an inner critic, but there's a way you can speak to yourself that's differently, that's different. You can notice, oh, my inner critic is pretty mean these days, how can I, you know, change up the way she's talking to me. Or you can just be more aware of, you know, how loud it's getting, and how much it's impacting your life, how much it's stopping you from moving forward and making decisions and doing things.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And today, we're gonna talk about, you know, two steps that you can really take in order to calm that part of you that inner critic is, like Kate said, it's present in all of us. And it especially comes into play, when we are triggered by certain unhealthy events in our lives. situations where maybe we feel a little less than right, when you lose a job, when your marriage is ending, when you're embarrassed when you know, you're kind of pushed away from a friend, group, etc. That is especially relevant when you're, that's when your inner critic is going to be the loudest. Because what it's doing, it's trying to cement this moment in time and say, hey, you need to register how hurtful This is to prevent yourself from doing it in the future. Again, right. And so, you know, if you're in a relationship, that kind of ended badly, where your inner critic is going to start, you know, either going inwards and putting all the shame on you and telling you how horrible you are. And here's all the reasons it ended, it's all your fault. So that later on can essentially protect you from opening up and connecting with that person, which, you know, we need to work through that. And a lot of people go through therapy, they get a lot of help, to quiet down that part of themselves. And really quiet that inner critic, one of the things that's really important to think about is that we can really understand that this inner critic is not us, it's just part of us. Right? And when you're able to create that awareness and create that separation, to say, hey, like, this little voice in my head, are my thoughts in my head. They are not all of me, they are just thoughts, right? So we're constantly thinking about things. So when you're thinking thoughts about yourself, you could literally just change the way you think about yourself. That's just a thought in your head. That is not you that is not your identity, the way you think about yourself. And I say this to about pupils partners, where it's like, what you think about your partner is not your partner. So if I think that Kate doesn't love me, right, if I think that oh, Kate's trying to be hurtful? Well, Kate is is such a complex human being, she is way more than just a person who's trying to be hurtful to me. And therefore my thought in that moment, is a such a small thread, in the lifetime of what Kate is our relationship is, and I need to understand that I need to understand that the way I think about Kate is not Kate, right? It's not your identity. It's not who you are as a human being. And the thoughts that I have, but myself as an individual, is not me. So we jump into problems when we start voicing that out loud, right? A lot of us say this, like, Oh, I'm not I'm just not a person who can do that. Or I'm just not a smart person. Or I'm just and you essentially start to label yourself and then take your inner critic and put it out into the world like it's reality, right? 

Kate MacDougall
And then what happens when you don't get a hold on that in a credit it paralyzes you. And I actually went through this not too long ago, like I got so paralyzed with the voices in my head I just, you know, stopped stopped just pause my entire life because it was just like, No, this is too much. So you know how we had that 30 Day sex challenge I had talked about, about it a few episodes back and It started out really well, it went really well, it had had the impact that we were hoping it would have on our relationships. So the point of this challenge for us was to reignite some desire and to find different ways to connect intimately that weren't through intercourse. And also just, you know, up that desire up the up the need and want to be together physically, because that was something that was starting to lack in my life, just because I had made it a priority. I was distracted things came up new jobs, new diagnosis, things like that, that just had my mind elsewhere.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And the idea here was not just to take sex off the table, it was actually to find new ways to bring sexual energy to our lives. And there was things that we had to do outside of just intercourse, right. It wasn't just about oh, we're not having sex for 30 days. Yeah, it was about we're not having sex for 30 days in terms of intercourse.

Kate MacDougall
We're constantly learning to reconnect in another way.

Eric MacDougall
That's right with that kind of erotic and exactly, I

Kate MacDougall
was, I was hoping to be more flirty. I wanted to, you know, maybe dress up. Cute. And for what I did work really well. I did. Yeah, I would say yeah, for half half the challenge. But let's say 15 days, and then we cheated.

Eric MacDougall
That's right. Yeah, we fell off the wagon

Kate MacDougall
fell off. We had a night without kids. A night without kids, and we took advantage of it and fell off the wagon. And then after that, I kind of got down on myself. I was like, wow, okay, like you weren't able to, like not do that. You kind of like socked like, didn't you didn't commit this commitment. You made this commitment to myself, your inner critic, I know. What the words I'm saying, this isn't the inside voices going on. Like you weren't able to stick to your commitment, you'd never stick to any commitments good for you look at you failing again, like, so these voices are starting. And they started. And this is the point where I should have caught it and been like, oh, Eric, I am feeling like crap about this. You know, this slip up we did. I'm feeling like crap about you know, not having followed through on a word I gave myself. This feels bad. But instead, I kept quiet. And I lived this by myself. And Eric was still doing the challenge very well. And I disappeared from the challenge. I stopped flirting, I stopped, you know, showing up in a very cute, sexy way, I stopped thinking about sex, it started becoming the stressful thing where it was like, Oh, now sex is off the table. But like now, all I was thinking about like, was just like, let's not have sex, we're just not going to have sex. Like, if we're not having sex, it's fine. It's still a 30 day sex challenge.

Eric MacDougall
So I want to add something here. Because what you're saying is really important. And I think a lot of women relate. You know, and men too, but especially women, I hear this a lot from you know, men's wives. It's not that you like we're not doing those things like you were, you know, like, I think from the outside, we could say okay, in fact, like Kate didn't really bring that energy. But I think it would be more accurate to say that inside your head because you were overthinking so much because you were so down on yourself because you were so you know, disappointed, angry, uncomfortable with who you were. There was no space to even think about flirting our connection. And I think even more than that, you could tell me if this is true. But even more than that, when I was bringing kind of this flirtatious energy, then what that was doing, it was actually amplifying your own inner critic. Right. Then it was like, oh my god, Eric's flirting, like I need to flirt. But then I need to talk to him and in your head about it. Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And my inner critic went down a rabbit hole and went from Oh, you can't keep your word to. Oh, you're fake. Oh, you can't flirt. Oh, you don't know how to have sex? Oh, you're not even sexy. Oh, this Oh, that and then it just like it just who? down the rabbit hole it went? And still doing this on my own? Yes. I never vocalize this we're talking about I never talked to Eric about it. And we're going to talk about the importance of of talking about that inner critic, because when you say it out loud, it no longer becomes an inner critic. Other people can help you shut it out.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And if you can skillfully express what's going on for you. And especially if you have somebody in your life you can trust right? And for a lot of us, it's our partner, but for some of us, not a partner. So maybe it's a family member, right? Maybe it's a really great friend, etc. It's really important to bring up your thoughts and feelings because what that does is it actually quiets your inner critic. Right, right. As long as you're not essentially trying to justify your inner critic to other people. Yes, is really important, right? Yeah. As when we started having a conversation about it. And I was like, hey, like, don't worry about that, you know, it was very important for you in that moment not to argue with me, and try to essentially get me to agree with your inner critic. And this is what people do a lot, right? People who are really down on the dumps, what happens is when people try to come in and you know, hold space for them, support them help them. Well, what happens is they're there. They have such a belief about the story of the inner critic, it's so deep in them, that what they do is they actually try to convince the person that they're talking to who's trying to help them to try to convince them that they're crappy. No, right. So they're like, essentially, like, no, like, I am a horrible this and I am so screwed up. And here's all these examples of why I'm screwed up. You need to believe me? Yeah. Because I need to live with this truth because it's so real for me. Right? And that, if it's not true, well, then that amplifies it. Essentially. I'm crazy, man. And we go

Kate MacDougall
down the rabbit hole. Yeah. And so that's what happened. So in the truck on our way home, Eric said, he brought it up. He said, Hey, we're like on day 29. Kind of for the last 15 days. Nothing's been really happening. Like, I was like, I was bringing the heat. Yeah, I just don't feel like I'm getting anything back. And even I'm not even getting anything back. But I'm actually getting a push back. Because that's what started happening is my critic was so loud that you would like flirt with me grab me love on me. And I was like, literally pushing you away. Like, okay, no, not liking this. No, get away from me. And you could feel it in my energy that wasn't the same. And a few times you brought it up, I remember you bringing it up a few times, like, Hey, what's going on with this sex challenge thing? Like, are we still into it? Like, and this was you, you know, reaching like, Hey, Kate, something seems off here. And you Okay? Still, my inner critic was like, shut up about this case. Because if you tell him that you're no longer doing it, then not only have you failed yourself, but now you failed him. And you're the one who's supposed to lead in this and you failed at that. And you're always failing at leading things, and always and Nevers, and all of these things were coming up in my head, and it was just down the rabbit hole again and went and every time the inner critic talked to me in that moment, I just kept going down the rabbit hole. And because I kept living it by myself, it just wasn't healing.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And I think in those moments, typically what we do is we try to prop up that reflected sense of self, right? Like, you want me to keep this image that you hope that I have of you. Yeah, right. Yeah. And so what happens is you essentially, and we call it like masks, sometimes in a relationship, but it's like, you essentially try to keep this mask on. But that mask is actually a barrier to connection. Right? Right. Because it's not really you. And so what happens is, you know, I'm trying to connect with one side, and you're putting on the mask. So I'm essentially connecting with a mask. And it's not getting through to your heart. So I want to support you, I want to help you, you know, you see this a lot in relationships where one partner is try to help the other. And the other partner is like, oh, no, I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'm great. Meanwhile, they're struggling and they're suffering. Yeah. But because they want to put this mask out to be like, no, no, I don't I want you to think that I'm okay. Because if you think that I did something wrong, then you're gonna love me less. And that reflected sense of self can often take over.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And ideally, in that moment, I think that what would have been ideal for me, would have been if we had just gone through the 30 days and in high fived at the end, like Yeah, we did it. Let's have a great sex night, like, whatever. I think that inside, I thought that would be fine. I thought that would be good. You know, if we did that, then I was like, okay, it wasn't caught. We fit under the cot, nobody knows. But there would have been a part of me inside of me, and that inner critic would have continued. And then, you know, every time that I would commit to something, it would remind me of like, oh, remember that time you did that dislikes challenge and totally lied to Eric like, wow, like it would have just now the inner critic would have been even more critical. And so in the end, it was a good thing. We talked about it. Yep. Unfortunately, was a long time after the inner critic had started. So I was like, really deep into the rabbit hole. So was it a hard conversation? It was a hard conversation to get out of a hard conversation to digest. But it needed to be a to happen. And essentially, what happened is, it was just kind of like, well, you know, I'm hurt. You said that. You said I'm sorry. I expressed that to you, you express that you were hurt. And rightfully so, because you gave an example like say we had said we would save money, and then all of a sudden

Eric MacDougall
save $1,000 a week to plan for this trip.

Kate MacDougall
Any and the whole time. I'm saving I'm saving I'm cutting, you know, we're not doing I'm not buying things I'm pushing, pushing, pushing, really trying to get this $1,000 that I promised we would get. And Eric's like

Eric MacDougall
I'm good. You're like how you doing? Oh, everything's fine.

Kate MacDougall
Let's go and yeah, and then come the time to purchase the tickets for a trip. I've got the $1,000 loser doesn't have his and I stopped saving. But I didn't want to tell you about Yeah. And that's the example I needed to see how hurt he was. Because to me, it was like, Well, why you heard about this? This isn't about you. This is about me, I failed Eric. And this was me trying to convince Eric like, Hey, tell me I'm bad, because that's what my inner critic is saying. So why aren't you telling me I'm bad? Like, tell me I'm bad? And it's like, no, I'm not telling you about what you did. It's totally, it's not okay. But it's, you know, it's understandable that that happened to you. But I'm hurt. It hurt me.

Eric MacDougall
That's right. And, and I think that that's really important and adjusts, right? A lot of times, and I'm sure people listening to this, like, oh, like, it just acts, who cares. But the challenge that we were talking about, was that we had made this agreement together. And this was kind of a team thing. And then at some point, you decided for both of us that this challenge was over. And you didn't tell me about it. And you didn't give me an opportunity to either talk about it or talk about my experience. And that's kind of what was what it was really about for me was, hey, there was an opportunity here for you to let me in and talk about what was working for you. But now, you know, I feel like I was doing all that stuff, and you weren't on board. And when I expressed that I was hurt. I think what happens in those moments is, for a lot of people, there's a sense of defensiveness. And what we work through was, you know, you kind of like, well, here's an, you know, here's why I did it. And here's what was going on for me. And I affirmed you, that's what I said, like, Hey, babe, like, I know, whatever you did make total sense to you in the moment. And I'm not trying to say that you're bad or good or anything like that. All I'm telling you is that based on what I experienced through all this, right now, I am hurt. Right? And that's it, you can and that's kind of how the conversation ended. I was like, you can take that however you want. You can, you know, say whatever you can move on, we can kiss makeup. But this is actually about me, wanting to understand what's going through to you. And when you expressed it me saying, Hey, I just want to express my feeling to you know, there's no expectation that you do anything about it. Yeah. Right. And I think this is where couples sometimes get strung up, because now it's like, Oh, you're hurt. So I have to do something. And but in our relationship, we express how we feel a lot. Right? And it's, Hey, that made me sign and it's like, Okay, tell me about it. But it's okay, that I'm hurt. It's okay. Like not say, It's okay. Like, you don't want to hurt me actively. But in a long term close relationship, like, I will get hurt, things

Kate MacDougall
like that will happen. Yeah, and it will happen again. And I think that's part of my biggest growth is, is to understand that, yeah, you're gonna get hurt again, in this relationship, I'm going to hurt you again, I'm going to make you mad again, I am going to not be a perfect wife. Often, and that's because I'm human.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and this is where the inner critic really becomes irrelevant. Because if your inner critic is very loud, I don't want to go too deep into subjects, and we're going to try to time it. If your inner critic is very loud, you end up falling into shame instead of guilt. And when you feel shame, when your partner expresses themselves to you that they're hurt, and you feel shame, you're only focused on yourself. You're like, I'm such a bad wife, I'm such a bad human, I'm such a bad bla bla bla. So if you think about it, there's no space for your partner to exist in that idea of yourself. Because you're just now in your head thinking about you. But when your inner critic is a little bit more quiet, and you have that solid, you know, flexible, flexible self, you're able to instead of shame go into guilt. And guilt is very important, because it allows you to understand how your actions impacted another person, right? And grow from it exactly. And do something different. So the next time when you're in that situation, and you're like, Oh, I you know, I made this agreement with Eric, and I'm not following through, I'm gonna keep it to myself. You might be like, You know what, I'm not gonna keep it to myself. Because last time I did that, yeah, it really hurt

Kate MacDougall
me and had I talk to you about it, we might have come up with solutions together, might have put a pause on it like, hey, let's, let's take a break about to two days or whatever, take the time you need and then let's jump back into it. Like, whatever.

Eric MacDougall
I certainly think you you, you know, my opinion would have felt better. Oh, for sure. Right. If you can open up about it. And then just got my affirmation. Like, Hey, babe, it's all good. Like we did it. Well, I think that's what happened to right. You were kind of crapping on yourself. And I failed. I'm like, we have like a great 14 days. Like, that's awesome. That's better than zero days. Right. And good job. Yeah. I mean, yeah. But we kind of lost sight of that. Because you were you had been kind of in in your own head

Kate MacDougall
too busy, too busy being, but there are two ways you can get out of get out of the inner critic.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, certainly quieted down. And this is what we want to think about. Right? And, yeah, you want to quiet it down, because the inner critic is there. It's going to be there. The idea here is to learn to manage it when it comes up in a healthy way. And so, you know, what I teach a lot of people in the mastermind is that it's kind of a two prong approach, right? So think like yin and yang they have to kind of work together. And the first one is you need to start To believe, right, that you are genuinely a good human being, right? Like, you were, you were born good, you made some mistakes in your life. But your mistakes, do not define who you are as a human being, like, we're all gonna mess up. And so understanding and having this radical self acceptance and understanding, like, you do a lot of great things to you've had a lot of positive impacts on people, you know, maybe you're an amazing parent, maybe you've done a lot of great things. And you've made some mistakes. Right, right. But understanding that you can continue to grow, to evolve, and to really continue to be the best version of you through these experiences. So that's kind of the the inner voice, the mindset, if you will, right, is this idea that you are not stuck who you are now is not who you will be forever, that's up to you. And you can create yourself into literally whoever you want to be.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and a good way to practice that if it's not something that's coming quickly. And you know, we're not expecting you to be able to come up like in one sitting with positive things, if that's not a practice you've done in a long time. And I remember, the first time doing that practice was like, go back in your life, and pinpoint all the positive things, all the great things you've done all the ways they've impacted the world and people in a positive way. Like, I think I was like, 30, something years old when I did it. And I come up with like, five things. Like I was like, oh, and then my inner critic was like, You're so stupid. Oh, my God, I don't even know anything positive you did. So it was just like, give yourself grace, come up with five things. And maybe just keep an ongoing list on your phone somewhere in your house. And just keep adding to it, stack it every day. Try to think of one more thing, one more thing. Talk to people, Hey, can you tell me one way I positively impacted you. And that in itself, just doing that exercise will help you see yourself in a different light.

Eric MacDougall
That's right. And you really also want to focus on this idea of creating yourself, right. So if you think about it, when I was really struggling as a husband, and as a father and kind of dealing with my alcoholism, I had to think about the man I want it to be. And I was like, hey, I need to like imagine like, what am I like, if I'm a good father, well, I'm not yelling, I'm laughing with my family and planning outings. I'm, you know, loving my wife by hugging, kissing her complimenting her being generous, you know, all this stuff. So I was like building that idea of myself in my head. That's where I start, you can write this down. You can write your level, 10, self, etc. Make yourself a vision board. Like whatever works for you. Right? You have your way. But what I'm saying is, this is really like the belief system. This is like the faith, if you will, right? You believe that you have the ability to create yourself? Yes. And that's where you need to start to be that best version of yourself. Exactly. And then so with that foundation, you then need to take actions that back that up. And by continuing to take an action that reaffirms the belief, and then continuing to believe something that motivates the action, right. So if I think, you know, if I want to be an amazing husband, I complement my wife. And so that leads me to content my wife every day, so I'm gonna make an active effort to contact my wife. And then when I go to bed at night, every single day that I complimented, my wife will be an affirmation that I am a better man. And then it kind of becomes the stacking effect, where it's like, okay, this is who I am, therefore, I do this, and doing this affirms that this is who I am. And then I do this. So now what happens is, you know, even Caitlin, you're really mad at me. God, Eric, like, you're such a jerk. You know what I mean? I say that. That's, but you know what I mean? I use bigger words, right? No, I'm kidding. So whatever you say, you know, when you're angry with me or whatever. It doesn't land with me as much as it used to. Because I have now this solid sense of self, which is like, oh, like, No, I'm a great man, because of all these things I do and because of who I am, and I have this belief within me. So clearly, when Kate says that, that's kind of a red flag, meaning like, ooh, something's up. Like, I

Kate MacDougall
It has nothing to do with me. But I can see that I might have impacted her in a specific way today. And I'm wondering how

Eric MacDougall
Right, exactly, and that, obviously, my actions had an impact or something happened. So I should probably get curious here. As opposed to if your inner critics really loud, and you don't have that confidence, when your partner is like, Oh, God, you screwed up. Well, then you just take it in and you're like, Oh, why do you keep saying that, God, you're making me feel horrible and blah, blah, blah, because you don't have that healthy opinion yourself? Because your inner critic is so loud. Every time your partner says something, it essentially wakes that inner critic up. Right? Exactly right. And so this is where we want we want to share in this episode is, you know, create a relationship with your inner critic, understand that it's there. Be aware of it, understand that that is not you. It's just part of you. Right? You also have an amazing part of yourself who has so much creation who has done so many amazing things, your miracle of life, and then take actions that move you towards the person you want to be. Yeah, start that stacking effect and start small right? If you want to be a healthier person, you're just like, well, what does healthy person do? Well, healthy person goes for walks, awesome. I'm gonna go for a walk everyday this week, right? Even it's 10 minutes, then the end of the week, you're like, Wow, I did things I said I would do, I did the things a healthy person does, therefore, I'm getting healthier, right. And over time that 1% Every day stacks, you're gonna wake up two years from now just feeling amazing,

Kate MacDougall
right? And eventually, your confidence in yourself, the way you feel about yourself, because confidence is not a real thing. It's just the way you feel about yourself. It gets so strong that you can actually quiet down that inner voice by yourself. That's right. You don't need somebody else you can be like, sure, that's enough now. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for all of your wise wisdom you think you have but you're done. I'm done listening to you. Like, yeah,

Eric MacDougall
exactly. Good. And there's that old fable you know, we have a photo on our wall kind of a print a painting that was done for us and such as these two wolves, right, the white in the black one. And it's the idea of the fear versus the courage, Wolf. And in the end, you have both of these wolves in you. And they're constantly battling each other. And the wolf that wins is the one you feed. Therefore, if you're constantly feeding your inner critic, it's gonna get loud. But if you just, you know, every time it comes up, you're like, Hey, chill out, and a critic, it's all good. And then you move to that positive thought about yourself or you move to taking an action that reaffirms the person you want to be. When it actually helps. You're courageous self, you're courageous Wolf. And it quiets down the fear, Wolf. So just understand that these two wolves are always within us. They're always battling. And the one you feed will essentially help you move towards that a bit more.

Kate MacDougall
Right? And a great way to you know, really stop that, you know, the critical Wolf, your Wolf, fear Wolf. Automatically, just the fear wolf comes up, just give a treat to the Good Wolf. Just be like, here, here you go. Like, do something good. Do something on that list that's gonna make you feel good. Like as soon as your inner critic is like, Ah, you're not good enough. Well, let me show you why I'm good enough. Because today, I'm actually gonna go for that walk. And then you're proving to yourself like, I'm an amazing person.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And that becomes a flywheel.

Kate MacDougall
Beautiful, so deep.