The 9 Core Relationship Needs (Part 2)

In this episode, Kate & Eric explore how taking responsibility for your needs and collaborating with your partner creates a thriving relationship.

Topics:
➡️ Understanding that meeting your relational needs starts with personal responsibility.
➡️ Balancing autonomy and togetherness to foster individuality within the relationship.
➡️ Applying Maslow's hierarchy of needs as a roadmap for relational growth and self-actualization.

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TRANSCRIPT:

Eric MacDougall
We're jumping back into part two, part two of our two part series around core relational needs based

Kate MacDougall
off of Maslow's pyramid of basic human needs, yeah, and

Eric MacDougall
before we jump into the four last needs, yes, right, which are in the esteem and self actualization piece, we wanted to give the listeners a bit of tough

Kate MacDougall
love, little tough love, little tough love. We kind of came off the recording the other day and we were like, Huh, what we really want listeners to take away from all of these needs, anywhere you find yourself on the pyramid, whether it's you know, the basic safety needs part or the self actualization part, your needs are your responsibility. Your needs are it is up to you to fulfill those needs. You can request help. Of course, you can request things from your partner. But if you think, for example, in the last episode, we talked about playfulness and joy, and that's a really, really easy one. To be like, You know what? I want more playfulness and joy in my life. I want Eric to plan more dates for us. And that is, like, that is what we don't want, yeah?

Eric MacDougall
When I mean, it's okay for you to ask for more dates, yeah, but I need to ask for you.

Kate MacDougall
I can't just, like, I can't just expect that Eric will be responsible now for bringing playfulness and joy to our relationship, that's right. I if I want playfulness and joy, whether I want it alone or both Eric and I want it, if I want that in my relationship, I then become responsible for asking for it or for creating it.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And one thing that we say in our relationship, and you tell me if I'm wrong here, but Kate, you are 100% responsible to bring playfulness and joy to your relationship, to our relationship. And how responsible Am I to bring playfulness? 101%

Unknown Speaker
okay, oh, sorry, 100% 100% is

Eric MacDougall
yes. And so that's really important to understand is you're 100% responsible to make sure that you have the relationship you want, because this is your relationship, and I am 100% responsible to have the relationship that I want, right? And so we live in this ecosystem

Kate MacDougall
together exactly. And so what that looks like is that if I want more playfulness and joy, I will plan things that bring me Kate joy and that are playful for me myself, Kate and I will invite Eric to those things, and sometimes maybe do them by myself, because sometimes wanting playfulness and joy in your relationship isn't somewhere your partner wants to be right now, And so I still want to find playfulness and joy in my life. Therefore I will find ways to do that without my partner. And so it's okay for me to request from Eric, you know,

Eric MacDougall
like we call that collaboration, yeah, right. We're collaborating, Eric, I

Kate MacDougall
would love more playfulness and joy and then request from him something very specific that he could do to help me bring someone more to help us have more of that, create more of that in our relationship. Yeah,

Eric MacDougall
and I think this is really tough for a lot of people, because typically, we either fall on one or the other when it comes to the extremes, right, we're either totally in autonomy or totally in togetherness. So your belief is, like, it's my needs, my partner has nothing to do with me and my happiness, so I'll just do whatever I can do for myself, and as long as I'm happy, that's good, no? And that's like a totally autonomy, right? And we're not saying that that's the answer. No, the answer is also not. My partner is totally responsible to sweep me off my feet. And, you know, we got married for a reason, and now it's their responsibility to make sure that happened.

Kate MacDougall
I told him, I want more playfulness and joy, therefore he needs to make it happen. No, neither one

Eric MacDougall
of those happens. The example that I always give that's probably easiest, easiest for people to understand is friendships, right? So, like, so friendship, it falls into the love and belonging category, right? So, like, I'm talking about, like, friends, friends outside relationship having friends. Now some people are like, I don't have any friends, and they just like, wait around till friends, like, fall in their face or something. Well, no, that's not how friendships work. Friendships get built through you putting yourself out there to you risking and being intimate and opening up and taking time and putting energy out, right, all that stuff. So sometimes people like, I don't have any friends and, well, no, yeah, the reason you don't have any friends is because you're sitting in your basement playing video games. Your basement playing video games 24 hours a day, like, that's why. And when you go to work, you don't talk to anybody. So of course, you don't have any friends because you're not doing, like, friendly things with people. And you need to own that. That's your responsibility. And so that is the kind of the idea that it gives you now. You're also not going to be like, running down the street holding your own hand, kind of galloping, getting all excited. That's not friendship, right? And so you know what I mean? Like, well, maybe for some people, I don't know, but I'll just say tomorrow, yeah. Like, you know, so for us, friendship includes another Yeah, but it is your responsibility to take 100% of responsibility to create friendships, yeah? And you might go and do that and realize this person is not really a friend for me, right? Because I tried to call them and talk to them and hang out with them, and they kept, you know, shut the door in my face and hang out whatever. You know what I mean. So then you go to other friends and you find that, right? And so I think it's really important to understand that's a very simple example to see like it's your responsibility to create healthy friendships, and they're not just gonna fall in your

Kate MacDougall
lap, yeah? Just because you've got a ring on it doesn't mean it becomes the other person's responsibility to do everything for you, yeah?

Eric MacDougall
And so love that idea, take responsibility, and that's something that we do really well in our relationship, right? Because if you want something, you take responsibility to create it. And for same thing for me and oftentimes we collaborate and help each other out. Yeah, right. And so the two first ones that we're gonna do is falls into next. And so the first one, which is one that's really near and dear to my heart, and I think a lot of men kind of lean in this way, but women too, which is appreciation and acknowledgement. Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
So this falls into the fourth tier of Maslow. Pyramid, which is the esteemed tier, and yes, yes, Eric, this is definitely your

Eric MacDougall
love me, some acknowledgement. You

Kate MacDougall
love yourself. Validation gets a bad rap. Not my responsibility. No, you're

Eric MacDougall
right. It's not but validation gets a bad rap, right? A lot of people think. They think like, oh, I should not need validation, and I'm trying to get to a place where I don't need validation. Like, validation feels good, yes, yeah. Like, there's a reason they still give like, MVPs in the NHL and stuff,

Kate MacDougall
like, feels good, motivates people, right?

Eric MacDougall
You know what? I mean, yeah. And so appreciation, acknowledgement is a need, right? When you're working hard, when you're doing things, you want to be acknowledged. You want to be appreciated. Imagine you putting in work all the time and never being acknowledged appreciated. I mean, I'm sure some of you don't have to imagine it. You're probably imagine it. You're probably experiencing it, right? But again, this is a really important one to understand, because it goes back to what we just said, which is, if you want appreciation, if you want acknowledgement, it's up to you to either surround yourself by people who are willing to give it to you or ask for it. But we think that by asking for it, then it doesn't make it true, like it cancels it out, yeah. And oftentimes in our relationship, I say I would like a bit of appreciation. I would like a bit of acknowledgement, right? And sometimes, in response, you give it to me right away, right? But what that does sometimes as well, is it plants a seed, right? And later on, you are very good at doing it, you'll send me voice memos, text messages, etc. But one thing that's really important here as well is I also have the ability to appreciate myself and acknowledge myself. I also have the ability to give appreciation and acknowledgement, right? And so oftentimes in our relationship, that's something that I do a lot. I share gratitude for you. I'll just send messages, call you, yeah right, and say how much I appreciate what you

Kate MacDougall
and I think that leading by example is one of the best ways to have your needs met. Because if you're doing the thing you want, your spouse is probably going to, you know, copy what you're doing, because it's like, well, I enjoy receiving this, so I'm going to start doing it for my partner. So appreciating, appreciation and acknowledgement is absolutely important, and it's absolutely essential in your relationship, especially with your partner. So that is the first part of the esteem, but there's also the second part, which is the need for autonomy and respect for individual individuality. Now it's like, oh, wait, wait, I thought this was about being in a relationship, yeah, yes, yes, it is. And in relationship, we are two individuals in a relationship, and it is so important to not forget that, to not forget that we are individuals in a relationship, that you have things that you love and that are, you know, yours, and that you, you know, spend your time doing, and vice versa. Yeah. And

Eric MacDougall
when we're talking about like attachment needs, right? Like, if you're an anxious attached partner, you probably don't even think about this one. But if you're an avoidant attached partner, you love this one, right? You love your own autonomy, you love your own individuality, your own space, etc, right? Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
for sure. So the when you are in relationship, it's important to not forget about yourself and who you are as an individual. There's nothing sexier than you know your partner going out and doing things by themselves, and you seeing that part of them you know, following their passion or doing something that they really enjoy, and then coming home and talking about that, it gives you more to talk about. It gives you things to like, connect on, you know, even though, you know that's something that you're not really into, you know, I, you know, I've mentioned it before. I love yoga. I'm very into yoga. I go to yoga classes. I've done my yoga teacher training, like yoga has become a very big part of my life, and that is something that Eric has been very, very good at in our relationship. Is not yoga, not yoga, no

Eric MacDougall
supporting yoga.

Kate MacDougall
Unfortunately, not yet, but I will get you to a place where you can at least touch a toe. But my his respect for my individuality, so his, you know, accepting of me, taking on this yoga teacher training, which meant that I would be gone one weekend every single month. And by a weekend, I mean, like two nights a week, plus a weekend once a month. And that, you know, there would be a lot of studying, a lot of stress, there'd be a lot of you know things, but he was ready for it, and he was like, this is something that means a lot to you. Therefore, do it. And same on the other side, right, like Eric for a while in our relationship, was kind of finding himself earlier in our relationship, kind of finding himself. Not really knowing what to do. And so at one point, you know, he was serving in a restaurant, and then he became management, and he kind of went from job to job, and every time he would change jobs, that was something I accepted of him. It was like, you know, I knew that the safety would be there, that he would always make sure that the bills would be paid and he'd have money coming in. But you know, there wasn't this. Like, no, Eric, you can't change jobs right now because, you know this is like, this is where we're at. It's like, No, I know that you're a person who wants to follow his heart. I know you're a person who wants to follow his dreams, and I don't want to stop you from being that person. Yeah, and I want you to try different things, and I want you to experience different careers and different jobs until you find the one that really speaks to you. If I had said, you know, when Eric said, I'm gonna quit, you know, my nine to five where there's a guaranteed pay to start my own job, like to start my own business from our basement. If I had said, No, you're not doing that, well, we wouldn't be here today. Yeah. So you know, it is so important to, you know, give your spouse that individuality, to allow your spouse to be themselves, but truly be themselves, and to not try to bring them to a place where they're conforming to the person you want them to be, or they're trying to be someone they're not. Because oftentimes in relationships, we lose ourselves, we lose our individuality. We become so co dependent on on each other, dependent on each other. You know, I can't do things without Eric. Eric can't do things without me. Every outing we do together. If we don't join a club, we're joining it together. All

Eric MacDougall
our friends have to be couple friends, and it's

Kate MacDougall
just, yes, there's a beautiful part in sharing parts of your life, but there's also a very important part and a human basic need to be yourself in a relationship, to have time where you can truly just be you and not worry about the impact It's going to have on your spouse or because that safety need is there, your partner trusts that the decisions you're going to make for yourself as an individual aren't going to have a negative impact on the relationship. That safety is there, so that's why that foundation is so important.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I love that. And you said so much there. And one of the things that I really want to challenge individuals, you know, we said, like, oh, allow our partner to do that. And I think a lot of people are, for the most part, pretty good allowing their partner to have their own lives. I think people are challenged for themselves to have their own lives, right? Oftentimes, guilt gets in the way we put ourselves last. And I'm talking for men and women, right? I've seen all kinds of moms like be totally burnt out taking care of everybody, and they actually have so much mom guilt, or feel like they have so much on the do list that they can't even go out and do a yoga class on their own.

Kate MacDougall
But I think that's a that's a whole episode in itself. I think that's a trust thing, right? Like, that's a I need to trust that my husband will be able to do a good job as a dad. That's not exactly the exact way that I'm gonna do it, but that my kids are still gonna be alive when I get home.

Eric MacDougall
That might be part of it. Yeah, for sure, I've talked to a lot of men where the reason that they don't do this stuff is because they don't want to feel the way they feel when they go do it, which is, I feel guilty, I feel shameful, I feel like I'm not providing. I feel like I'm a shitty dad if I'm going to the gym when my kids are at home. Yeah, right. And so there's a lot of that that comes into play and really, really important to understand. Like for us, our kids, you know, our kids know what's important to us. They know that we are human beings outside of just mom and dad, yes. And so when we go do things on our own. Like our kids actually know, right? I'll go to movie theaters on my own, and they're celebrating it like, Hey, Dad, we know that you got to do this thing on your own. We're excited, you know, tell us about the movie when you get back. We know this is your time and that you need this.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and I think that that's, that's what got my mom guilt got me over. My mom guilt was reminding myself I want to be this model for my children. I don't want them to be in relationship with other people and feel bad for being their own individual, or having their own dreams or passions or whatever. I want to model a healthy individual in a relationship by showing them that mommy does this. I grew up in a home where my parents did everything for the family, so it was very hard for me to think, like, oh, I can do something for myself, because it wasn't modeled for me. And so I decided, no, I'm gonna model this for my kids. I'm gonna show them it's okay to take a weekend away once in a while, it's okay. Pay to do something that you enjoy without your husband, without your kids, it's important, and it makes mommy feel really good. So part of getting that mom guilt away was a reminder to myself that this is an example I want to set for my daughter, for my kids, for both of them, especially my daughter, because she will probably look up to me way more than my son will, because I'm a woman, right? Like, sure. So I think that that's, yeah, very, very common thing, the guilt,

Eric MacDougall
awesome. So we'll move to the last one. We have two left, and they both fall under the self actualization part Maslow's pyramid and self actualization, really, this is about, like, tapping your potential right? It's about growth. It's about wanting to go after and beyond. Yeah, and I see a lot of people kind of struggle with this when they you know, they've checked all the boxes in life they were supposed to check. They do all that kind of stuff, and then they experience this lull right of life where, just like, I feel like every day is Groundhog Day, and life just sucks, and everything's good, but I'm just, like, unfulfilled. And this is why the self actualization part is so important, because it adds fulfillment to your life. Fulfillment to your life, right? A big part of what actually continues to make our relationship exciting is that we are in the self actualization phase a lot, which is growth, new excitement, different, right, challenging ourselves. And so when you get to this part like you're just kind of loving a lot of aspects of your life, again, it doesn't mean that we don't fall into a place where the safety needs to get, you know, cleaned up again. Love and belonging needs to get shored up again. But when you're in the self actualization area, it really is about pushing yourself into your potential so you can do more and experience more of the things you want. Yeah, but in order

Kate MacDougall
to get there, the rest of the pyramid needs to be strong and steady, otherwise you're not going to get to a place where you feel safe enough to do these things, where you feel a high enough esteem in yourself to be able to say, Hey, I'm going to reach my full potential here, or to feel enough esteem in your relationship to think, oh, we can Push this further, like we've talked about a relationship before, where, you know, we've had phase one of our relationship, phase two of our relationship, and now we're like, hey, let's move into like, a new phase of our relationship. Like, we're kind of over this, and we've kind of done everything we can do right now. So like, let's see what potential our relationship has, if we like, push the limits a little bit. Yeah, I love that so,

Eric MacDougall
and these are both interconnected, but they are a bit different, right? And so the first one is growth and evolution, yeah, which is a big part of what you're talking about, of like pushing the limits, constantly being students, right? Learning, bringing in new information, but also kind of getting uncomfortable, right when, when I'm working with men, I call this living at your edge. Yeah, right. But like, essentially not just being in like, conformity, not just always being in a place of, like, yeah, it's just like every day is the same, no, like, actually pushing yourself to be uncomfortable, doing new things, trying new things, going out there, experiencing novelty, and then learning from those experiences, right? I think it's really important to have this in your relationship, to push yourselves to grow together, right? Oftentimes, you push me to grow in a lot of different ways, right? When you really put the emphasis on yoga and your health and your nutrition. Well, that pushed me to think about my own health, my own life, and how I want to get in better shape and all that

Kate MacDougall
stuff, yeah, and even just little things like, you know, my own personal growth and evolution, you know, going from like, you know, using chemicals in the home and, you know, having candles and things like that, to being like, we're taking all chemicals out. We're using this app. If it's not green, it doesn't come in the home, like, and, and at first you were like, Oh my gosh, Kate. Like, you know, at one point we're doing laundry with nuts, like, it was like, but you were all in for celebrating my individuality. I was supportive.

Unknown Speaker
Yeah, you

Kate MacDougall
were supportive, for sure. But now that's, that's that growth, and that part of me has inspired you to now, you know, like, seek homeopathic medicine and maybe looking at, you know, your health in a different way, in a more, like, what's the word I'm looking for the group you just joined?

Eric MacDougall
Oh, yeah. Like, like, but like, putting different things in my body, thinking about my nutrition, etc, yeah, exactly. And really thinking about functional medicine instead

Kate MacDougall
of just like, yeah, yeah. So

Eric MacDougall
like, how can we utilize nutrition, movement, sunlight,

Kate MacDougall
exactly, exactly. So it's like, when it's funny, because when you brought that up, I was like,

Eric MacDougall
I've been telling you this for 10 years. I've been rev enough, yeah. And so growth and evolution is a really important part of our relationship, Kate and I, and I think it's a really important part for any successful relationship, which is why we put it here. And then the last one for us, right? The ninth one is purpose and shared vision.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And it's so beautiful when you get to a place in your relationship where you have a shared purpose, where you have, you know, a very like, a shared vision of where you're going in your relationship and and what your relationship looks like, and coming up with these together, and having, you know, talking about them. And that doesn't mean once you find your purpose, therefore it like, it's, it's ingrained in, in, you know,

Eric MacDougall
yeah, it is constantly, right,

Kate MacDougall
according to, like, different seasons you're, you're in, and things like that. But having those conversations, it's so inspiring. And dreaming together, it's very exciting. It's it's actually a beautiful place to get to, to that self actualization place in your relationship. Yeah.

Eric MacDougall
So I love that. So if you go kind of back through the nine again, just quickly, right? The foundation your two safety needs are emotional safety and trust and reliability. These are foundational things you don't have in your relationship. If you or your partner do not feel safe with each other, it's going to be very hard to create any sort of healthy relationship. Then we'll fall into love and belonging, which includes connection, belonging, physical affection, intimacy, and the third one, which is playfulness and joy, which is often forgotten, like we talked about last episode. As you step into the Esteem Needs, right? We're talking about appreciation, acknowledgement, as well as autonomy and respect for individuality. So how can you be more of yourself in relationship, right? And that's a benefit, not only to you, but to your partner. And then finally, the two self actualization needs, which are growth and evolution, as well as purpose and shared vision. And so think about these in your own life. You know, a big rating scale that we love using in the mastermind and on relationship is a traffic light system, right? You can like, highlight these. Which one of these are red, meaning they definitely need improvement, right? Which one of these are yellow, which means, yeah, they were thought about, but not always to the potential we want. And maybe some of them are green, which is like, yeah, actually, emotional safety is where it's gotta be, can it? Yeah, it feels awesome, right? And then so you're able to kind of move up the pyramid to get to a place where you're in self actualization sometimes in our lives, right? We things are rocking for a while, but then something happens, right? Maybe a loss of a job, or a health scare or something like that, where we fall back into the need for safety, the need for love and belonging. So we can continue to climb back up. Yeah? And

Kate MacDougall
you can definitely move through that ladder a lot faster. You know, once you you have attained that at least once. Yeah. So

Eric MacDougall
I hope this was helpful for you, and again, think about some of these really valid needs in relationship for you and your partner that will benefit your marriage.