This Simple Shift will Upgrade your Relationship
Sep 08, 2024In this episode, Kate and Eric explore how shifting from victim to growth mindset can transform relationships.
Topics:
➡️ Shifting from life happening to you, to life happening for you
➡️ Using discomfort as a tool for growth
➡️ Understanding emotions and criticism instead of judging them
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TRANSCRIPT:
Kate MacDougall
Unless I decide that, you know, instead of sitting by and waiting for life to happen like, I need to just like, This is the life I've been handed right now. This is the situation I am in right now. Now, what am I going to do with it? Instead of being a victim of the circumstances, being a victim of the fact that, oh, my marriage isn't as strong as I wanted it to be, or, you know, my husband isn't as you know, this or that that I want him to be, it's, you know, I could choose to be a victim, and that's okay. I could choose to sit here and cry about it and be like, Wow, my heart hurts so much. And, you know, Eric said some hurtful things, and I am going to wait for my heart to feel ready to forgive him, or I can be like, Hmm, I'm going to take this discomfort, I'm going to take this scariness, and I'm going to do something about it.
Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and, and I appreciate you saying that, and I think it's such a great topic to bring up. You know, you always say the line, which I love, which is, life is not happening to me, it's happening for me. And I think that kind of victim mentality you're talking about, right? It's like being a victim of circumstance, you know? It's like when somebody's having a bad day, instead of being like, Hey, what's going on here? And how can I learn to improve today? And how can I face these days when they come, knowing that there's an opportunity here to view this however I want instead. It's like I had such a shitty day. Everything's against me. Whole world's against me, you know. And you kind of fall into this very much, like, you know, these things are happening to me. And when you talk about this idea of like, it's happening for me, to me, at least, like, as a lifelong learner, like, I'm so, you know, I'm so in love with, like, learning and discovering that actually brings up a lot for me, which is, like, even in pain, even in frustration, even in really hard times, there's something to learn and experience and grow from, Right? And so in those moments, you know, like, Yes, I said some hurtful things, and I have to own that, right? I said some things that you know were not respectful in the moment all the time, and landed in a really hurtful way. And I own that that's not like, you know, you didn't do anything to deserve that you're an amazing wife, you're an amazing woman. And when I'm angry, it's not okay that that's my behavior, right? So, and if you're able to kind of okay, go through all that, and when Eric did was not okay, and it was disrespectful, and kind of move through that and then say, but when he did say those things, what was it about those things that hold truth? Exactly, right? Yeah. And if I allow this to think about it in terms of like, Hey, this is all happening for me. This conflict happened for me. Well now I can understand, well, maybe it happened for me to learn and grow and understand my husband. Maybe through all the kind of, you know, frustration and anger and defensiveness and all those things, there's actually a message here. Her that Eric's trying to get to,
Kate MacDougall
yeah, and sometimes the message is harder to see. It's very like undercover under all the words under all the, you know, jabs and whatever, but it's there. And it's true. If you can look past the hurt, look past the, you know, the mistakes and whatever, like, you can see the underlying message. And, you know, I've learned to do that a long time, a time ago, but I do think that I have this tendency of seeking comfort, seeking comfort in my life. And I don't think human. Yeah, I was gonna say, I don't think I'm the only human on the planet that does that. I think every single human, it's our baseline to go back to comfort. But what I'm noticing lately and reading, you know, this beautiful book I'm reading, I'm realizing that when you feel that ick, when you feel that discomfort, when you feel scared or unsure, or something like, oh, there's something going on here, And it's not I'm not feeling comfortable anymore. I'm not feeling super safe. I'm not in danger, but I'm not feeling safe. That's like the life trying to give you a message, trying to be like, hey, something's not working anymore. You gotta change. You gotta shift. You gotta do something different. And so what I'm seeing from our conflicts this summer, and, you know, just the general state of our relationship, I'm saying this summer, like a general statement, but like, you know, just the state of our relationships lately, what I'm seeing is the universe is giving me a message. The universe is like, Hey, Kate, you're no longer happy with the way your relationship was. There's nothing wrong with the way your relationship was. It's just that both you and Eric are growing past that state of your relationship, that season of your relationship, and now you need to evolve past this. You guys are grown up now. You're older. You have kids who are older. You have a life that's very different than the one that you had one year, two year, five years ago. And so the universe is telling me what you used to do as a wife was great, was fine. And oftentimes I'll look at myself and be like, I suck as a wife. I'm not good as a wife, I'm a bad mom. No, no, I don't suck as a wife. I'm not a bad mom. It's just the mom that I used to be, and the mom that or the wife that I used to be, just isn't working for this season of life anymore. So I need to evolve my person. I need to evolve myself and accept that, that evolution, it's going to be painful. Like, if you look at a like, butterfly coming out of its chrysalis, like, I'm sure it's not like, a beautiful like, Oh, this feels so good. It tickles like, no, it's like, it's probably a pretty painful process. But what comes after it is absolutely beautiful. Like the butterfly, suffers for a very long time before it actually becomes what it is. So when you're feeling that discomfort, when you're feeling that ick, that's just that discomfort of you about to blossom into something else. And the difference between people who stay stuck in life and the people who are able to move forward is that people who stay stuck in life feel that ick, feel that discomfort and say, I'm gonna stay where I am. I'm not gonna do anything. I'm gonna seek that
Eric MacDougall
like I'm gonna dodge it. Yeah, I'm gonna dodge everything I can to dodge discomfort.
Kate MacDougall
And then the people who you know can move past that, ick can go through the mud. Can like, you know, tread through the mud. It's going to be hard. Sometimes it's going to be hard for a few days, sometimes it's going to be hard for a few hours. Sometimes it's going to be hard for a few years. But once you get past that, there's something beautiful at the end. You just have to be open to it and trust that the universe provides, right? That's your favorite saying, the universe guides. Trust that there's a plan, and that when you're feeling that change, when you're feeling that shift, yeah, you can shit on yourself and be like, Oh, I suck and I'm so bad. And it's like, no, you don't suck and you're so bad. It's just this person, this version of you is no longer needed. Now. You need to evolve, and that's all it is,
Eric MacDougall
yeah. And I love that you said that, and you said some really profound things there. And to me, what really stood out was this whole idea that you know kind of moving towards the challenge is really what life's all about, right? And you can spend your life trying to avoid challenges. You can do that, right? People spend their whole lives doing that. In all reality, what I've experienced is the people that spend their whole lives avoiding challenge challenges typically are way more anxious and stressed out. They don't have a lot of connection with others. They don't have deep in. Intimacy with other people, their relationships are not fulfilling, and they're certainly not living a life even to themselves that feels fulfilling, right? And so I do think that there's some value there. And understanding like, hey, the universe, you know, is kind of putting this in front of me so that I can kind of pay attention to what's going on and then face this challenge. Now, I'm not saying that you should just go bang your head against every challenge you find. You know, for me, I think about this idea of like, is the experience that is really challenging? Is it meaningful? Like, is it worth doing? Because I, you know, I've seen a lot of people that just keep putting themselves through pain for no reason. Like, we're not saying, like, be a martyr and just say, like, Oh, I'm gonna keep putting myself through pain, and I just gotta keep doing it and keep hurting. No, there should be a reason why you're experiencing this challenge, right? When we were really struggling in our marriage, the reason that we had decided to go through these struggles was because we wanted to keep our marriage and our family together. Now, if one or both of us hadn't decided that, well, I doubt very much that the pain would have been worth experiencing, right? We probably been like, wow, it's not really worth experiencing, because what we're trying to move towards and create, we don't actually hold value to that, right?
Kate MacDougall
Yeah, and I find you know I like what you're saying, because it's making me think of like so many people decide to end their marriage, because there's they want to stay in that comfortable zone, and so they'll find someone else to replace their current partner, who you know can help them stay in that comfort zone. But in a few years, you know those problems are going to arise again, because everybody grows, life changes too fast to stay the same and to be the same person you were one year, two years, five years ago. So yes, you might find somebody else, and the grass might be greener on the other side for a little bit, but eventually it's going to get tough again, and those things are going to arise. And a lot of times, what happens is, with your second marriage, third marriage, whatever, that's when you start realizing, like, Oh, I'm willing to grow now, now I'm willing to change. And so, you know it's, it's sometimes takes broken marriages to realize that for yourself. But you know, it is something that eventually comes,
Eric MacDougall
yeah, and I think you know, if the one shift is like, you know, life is happening for me instead of to me, one of the other shifts that I also think has really benefited me in my life is I try to focus less on judgment and more on understanding. And when I say that, a lot of people are like, well, I don't judge others, like, I don't and, but it's actually even more profound than that. It's like, even for myself, when I'm experiencing something, right, I'm not judging that. Like, I don't judge my emotions. You know, sometimes, you know, it's funny, like, sometimes, whenever you see me kind of in a funk, right? It's kind of happening right now, and that's kind of what you mentioned earlier episode. Like you seem kind of off, you know, and to you when I'm not, like, excited, happy, jovial, I think you you kind of default me into the utter category of, like, something's wrong, right? But I have actually realized that I don't judge my experiences. If I'm sad or just kind of experiencing anger or frustration or irritation or anxiousness. I actually seek to understand them, and I think that if people did that more, they would actually see much more of how life is happening for them, right? And so for me, when I kind of sit with my emotional states and I'm like, I'm feeling really irritated, instead of being like, oh, Eric, you shouldn't be irritated. God, she's a jerk. Like, look at your life. It's awesome. Like, which is judgment. So I don't go there, but I also don't go to like, well, of course, you're irritated. Kate's B, and she's doing X, Y and Z, and, of course, right? Which is also judgment. Instead, I say, Huh, this is a sign, right? What's irritating you? It's like, Okay, now let's sit with that for a bit, and then I start to kind of unravel that and realize, like, Well, Eric, you really like taking action, and you've been kind of stagnant lately. And so I think the irritation is that you're just kind of waiting for a push, and instead of internalizing your own motivation, you're kind of waiting for somebody, and because it's not coming, your irritation is rising. And so actually, if you just decided to commit to doing something, taking an action in a specific area of your life, that maybe you've been feeling a little more stagnant, and I'm talking to myself here, you might actually experience a different emotion. And so then it's just the choice of, do you want to do this right now? Do you want to do it tonight? Do you want to do tomorrow? Right? Knowing that until I do that, my experience will continue. Yeah, right. My irritation will still be there. And I think that came, at least for me, like, took a lot of time for me to be able to, you know, kind of. Move away from this idea of judging and instead understanding, right? And when our kids are angry, instead of being like, God, you're, you know, again, like, I'm not perfect. Sometimes I still do fall into judgment. You know, it is part of my human experience. But for the most part, you know, my kids are saying like, Oh, I'm super not grateful, or they're not saying thank you enough. Instead of being like, you guys are just little brats, you know, like, blah, blah. It's like, instead, I'm like, Huh? I wonder, like, what is preventing them from saying thank you? And then I start to understand, do we say thank you a lot? Have I? Do I say thank you to them, yeah? Do me and Kate say thank you, yeah. Do we when we go out, do we say thank you to people like, yeah, seeking to understand, right? Yeah.
Kate MacDougall
And I think that's the upgrade, right? That's the upgrade we're talking about, is, can you see conflict in your relationship, turmoil in a relationship, change in your relationship as a change that's happening for you instead of something that's against you? When your spouse brings something up, are you seeing it as they're coming to attack you, or are you seeing it as information that they're giving you that you can then do something with if you choose to? Yeah, necessary, absolutely.
Eric MacDougall
I see even this with criticism, right? Like lot, a lot of men out there, you know, they're they're experiencing criticism from the partners, and I always say, like every piece of criticism is hiding, like a desire. And so typically, you know, and this is for both of us, like, when I come home and I'm like, Guys, house is always a mess, like, what's going on? Well, there's a desire there, which is, I would love to come home to a clean house, because it calms me, right,
Kate MacDougall
right? And there would be nothing wrong with you as a spouse. You know, mentioning like, the way you criticize me hurts, and this is how I would rather hear it. But you know, sometimes it's not possible to train someone out of a way they've been speaking for years, right? So it's like so can you listen to people without judgment? Can you take what your spouse is saying or the way your spouse is acting as a sign, as something that maybe you can reflect on yourself and say, Hey, what power do I have here in this situation? You know, instead of sitting there and thinking, Oh, my relationship is over, and I'm a victim of it, and my husband's so mean and all of these things, can I sit here and think, Well, what is he trying to tell me with this anger, what is he trying to tell me with this frustration? Or what is he trying to tell me by completely ignoring me and shutting me out? Yeah, you know. And
Eric MacDougall
even more message there I agree. Like, sometimes it's even more than that. Of like, what is life trying to tell me, and I am actively trying to avoid, right? If you have these kind of little signals like you were talking about, and it's like, oh, something's up here, you should check into it. And you just, like, pick up your phone and doom scroll social media. Or if maybe when you're you are doing, you know, some self reflection, and you get too little little bit too close to your own vulnerabilities, of like, oh, actually, I should try and take responsibility for that. And instead, you decide to go attack somebody, or you decide to, you know, cut somebody out, or et cetera, like, that's a sign that you need to be responsible for your own experience of life. And so I think our action step for the listeners this week, right? If we think about kind of wrapping this up, is look at aspects of your life where you're experiencing some resistance, right? It doesn't even have to be just in your marriage, but where maybe you're experiencing these emotions around this certain circumstance or experience that is uncomfortable. Yeah,
Kate MacDougall
like saying like, where you're feeling kind of stuck, if you feel powerless over a situation, if you feel like a situation has control over you versus you having control over it, that's usually a pretty good sign that this is the universe trying to tell you, like, hey, something needs to change in this area of your life. Yeah. And it could be a small, tiny shift, and it could be a big, dramatic shift, like completely changing careers or moving to another part of the country, like, who knows. But sometimes you have to be open and open yourself up to those messages, to those shifts, and until you stop seeing life as being against you, and you start seeing life as it's being sent for you, you know the things are being
Eric MacDougall
experienced, things are happening for things are happening
Kate MacDougall
for you, Then you're not ready, you won't be able to make those necessary shifts.
Eric MacDougall
Yeah, I love that. Yeah.