What To Do When You're Growing and Your Partner Isn't?

In this episode, Kate & Eric delve into managing personal growth differences within a relationship.

Topics:
➡️ Navigating growth disparities between partners.
➡️ Inviting your partner into your growth journey without judgment.
➡️ Empathy's importance in understanding each partner’s struggles.
➡️ Modeling personal growth to inspire your partner.
➡️ Embracing acceptance and love while fostering mutual growth.

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TRANSCRIPT:

So what should we do when one partner feels like they're growing and the other isn't? The question from the listener here says, Hey, Eric, I've been doing a lot of personal growth work, and he announced he's therapy reading, even joining men's group. It's been life changing. I don't know it's a he, but Well, actually, maybe he's a woman joining men's groups. Oh, I don't know. So weird, men's room, I don't know. All right, so anyways,

that's good. Sometimes when I read these questions, I wonder if it's a boy or girl. Okay, now I

gotta restart. So I've been doing a lot of personal growth, work, therapy, reading, even joining men's groups. It's been life changing, but my wife doesn't seem interested in any of it. I don't want to sound like I'm ahead of her, quote, unquote, but sometimes it feels like we're drifting apart. I want us to grow together, not apart. How do I approach this without making her feel like she's the problem? So this partner seems like he wants to do some of the growth that he's been doing alongside his wife. He wants to connect with some of these new experiences, topics, themes that he's been learning about. And he wants them to do it together, but doesn't know how to open up the topic without making her feel like, hey, like you're not doing enough, or hey, you need to grow, or hey, you need to do something. And I also

think when you start doing personal work, you start to see the benefits of it. You start to feel better. You start to see life differently, and like, you're like, wow. Like, I can't believe I've ever just, like, allowed myself to get that angry or get that sad about things, like, Oh, this feels so good. Like, it feels so good to do these things that I'm learning how to do and doing them daily, and it's so helpful. And it's self empowering. Yeah, it's self empowering. And suddenly, and then you look at your spouse, who's maybe struggling or suffering, or, you know, maybe they're having a hard time getting out of bed or or getting through a day without yelling or being frustrated. And I remember we went through that sometimes, like, I would do some work and then I would see you, like, especially when you were struggling with alcohol, like, and I'm like, man, like, if he could just stop drinking, like, if he only knew how good it feels. Is to not be like this all the time, like, like, it just didn't make sense to me. And like, I just wanted to shake you and be like, look at

how great things are. And you also imagine that our relationship would improve. Yeah, oh yeah,

for sure. Of course, of course, there is that idea too. But even just like, personally, like, you could feel so much better than what you're feeling right now, and it's super, super powerful, that it's super doable, and like you want to be like, let me show you how, but without being like, let me show you how. So yeah, I think it's a great question. We've both had our turns to go through it, where I was growing and you weren't, and then there was points in our relationship where you were growing and I was resistant to it, and it can get frustrating. And I remember even going through couples therapy at one point, and the therapist was trying to get me to talk about my emotions and talk about things. And I remember flat out telling her like I am not talking about my emotions anymore. I am not talking about anything anymore. I am done with these conversations no more. And that must have been very like, Oh, my God. Like Kate's done so, like she's not open to working, yeah, of

course anymore. I made all kinds of stories up about that, and what I meant about you, about me, about relationship, and I, you know, I understand this is, like, what I want to start with is, like, I want to be compassionate to both sides of this, right? Because some people that you know, we laugh in our group, but it's like, when we work with men, like most of the men who end up working with us in the involvement collective, they've drank the Kool Aid like they're they've already are on their personal growth journey, like they're not starting at zero. They're actually pretty advanced, and then they join us because they maybe have hit a bit of a gridlock. And so some people just naturally like this, like self awareness, understanding more having more control, feeling more empowered, et cetera. There's other people that as soon as they believe that they need to grow or change or do something different. It re emphasizes something within them that says there's something wrong with you, right? And that's like, a common trope too, in personal growth, right? It's like, the way it's champion, oh, if you it's like, I say this all the time, but it's like, sometimes personal growth is sold as, like, the answer. And it's like, we have the answer. Here you go. And it's like, Hey, new slash, listen, I'm sorry, everybody, there's no answer. Like, there's no like, one definite, this is the way you live your life, fix your marriage, and Happy Days, yeah. Like, there's no it's kiddoki. It really is about learning new skills, figuring out what works for you, discarding the rest, and then deciding to be in relationship with a person who is doing something similar for themselves. And so I can understand the frustration on both sides. Like there's times when I was on the receiving end of seeing your growth and me just being like a curmudgeon and being like, I don't like the way this is going. And deep down, there is this feeling of like you're gonna do this stuff and you're gonna learn something, and you're gonna learn like you're gonna come to a place where you're gonna realize you don't like being in relationship with me, and that would just grow so different. And that's going to mean something about our marriage, about our closeness, about our connection, et cetera. And so there is that fear. And I think the person who's growing, the person who wrote in this question, has that similar fear, which is, hey, I love this growth. I see the benefit of it. My life's improving. And I have a fear that if I keep going down this path of growing, and my partner doesn't, we will create distance, and that might lead to a fear that this person is imagining, which is, they're no longer going to want to be in a relationship, and they might not even be willing to talk about that openly yet, right? But that's an underlying fear. Is like, if I keep walking this path and you don't decide to walk this path, right, and I can't relate to you, well, then it's going to be tough to be in relationship with you, because typically we attract people who have a very similar wavelength when it comes to how we view the world, right? Somebody who has, like, lots of knowledge and lots of emotional intelligence and is super awareness and is really in touch with their feelings and their nervous system is most likely not going to be attracted to a person who is just like a victim of life and hates everybody and think the world is blowing up and super obsessed and anxious all the time, and vice versa, the person who is like, you know, on social media every day and following the news and angry and yelling at the TV and just like, you know, being mad all the time and feels like they're disempowered, they're not going to be attractive to, like, attracted to the person who's like, hey, like, just, you know, focus on yourself and just think differently for what is going well in this

world. Yeah. And I'm sure there's plenty of people out

there, yeah, maybe not listen to this podcast, but I'm sure there's plenty of people out there. You know, it's like, how many times and when I was really suffering? And some people, like, just be grateful. Like, write down three things, and I'm like, will you stop shitting me? Stop telling me to be fucking grateful. My life and my marriage is in a dark spot, you know, but it's like that is part of the way, is deciding to think differently. Yeah, and so I don't want to go too deep down or alcohol, but just really want to give compassion to both sides of this situation, because I think both of these people in relationship. Are trying to connect, but there's this idea of like, Hey, I'm learning all this stuff, and I'm walking this path and this journey, and I would love you to come along with me, and if you're not going to come along with me, then I create meaning about that, right? And what I would recommend, I love to hear from you, because you've been through this on both sides as well, where you've done the growth and I haven't, and then I've done the growth and you haven't at specific times of our life. But for me, I always go back to you want to model the growth. So you want to show up and model that. So if you're getting healthier, that includes eating healthier, drinking more water, having different conversations, thinking differently, surrounding yourself with people, right? Who you want to be surrounded with who you believe are healthy, which are helping you, which are encouraging you, which are lifting you up. And so those are the things that you want to be doing for yourself, and that alone will improve your relationship, right? Even if your partner changes, nothing, your relationship will improve because you create the relationship together. And therefore you improving, it improves the relationship, right? So you improving yourself as part of the relationship ecosystem, improves the relationship. And so this is where, like I want is, I would love your opinion on it is, you also need to understand that every single interaction that you are having with your partner is the two of you figuring it out. And so one of the things is like it might seem like you're moving at different speeds, or maybe that you're moving ahead, and they're not at all, but you're actually both moving in the same direction, which is to create a happier life with less pain and less discomfort and closer connection, where you can get the safety and security and love that you want without sacrificing who you are, and that is all of us. We just have different ways that we go about doing this right, and it would be a disservice to yourself to think that because your partner is not doing your way, that they don't have their way, right? Does that make sense? What

I'm saying? Yeah, it totally makes sense. I think that there's not a right or wrong way to go about it. I think as humans generally, we just we seek comfort, and whether that comfort looks like scrolling on our phones for days on in binge watching TV, Eating too Much Bad food,

or listening to 12 personal growth podcasts a day,

right? Or exactly, listening to a million personal growth podcast, meditating, sharing, gratitude, journaling, like whatever that looks like for you. It's a very personal thing, but there's no right or wrong way of doing it. Now, if the way you're doing it, if the way maybe your spouse is doing it, is endangering themselves, endangering the family, endangering your children, such as, like when you were drinking, it's okay for you to bring it up and to say, Hey, this is not okay. This has to stop and to put strong boundaries into place, which is something I feel like I did back when you were heavily drinking and it was starting to impact, like I would ask a lot of questions and things like that, but I don't know if I ever put strong boundaries like, I

remember, I remember there was a time where, like, if I would start drinking, you would go to bed. I remember there was a time when that happened, you know, it was like, if we were hanging out at night and I would like, you know, start drinking, even if it's like, right after dinner, around dinner, I like, started drinking a lot. This is just my perception. I don't know if that's true for you, but it seemed like on those nights, you just were like, I'm not spending time with Eric tonight, like I'm just going to bed and do my own thing. And maybe that had nothing to

do with drinking. Maybe, honestly, I blocked out a lot of that part of my life. I don't remember much of it, but there, yeah, yeah, that might have been boundaries. But I mean, like to vocally say, if your drinking continues to have X impact on the marriage, you know, if you start when you're drunk, you're swearing, you're blaming You're being mean. I won't put up with it, and I will do whatever, whatever it is that you're comfortable with doing. I don't think I ever did that, and I think that might have been beneficial for our relationship, although it is very scary to do, I think it might have helped us in the long run, and might have made it a quicker process to maybe for you to get the help you needed. Can I show something

that just came up for me? Yeah, go as you were talking, so I know you're talking a lot about boundaries, which I think boundaries are important, but I want to get back to the topic here, which is, like, one person's growing they don't see their partner growing. Like, yeah, I think you're getting to, like, actively bad

behavior or things that are hurting you. If your partner is swearing at you and at a place in their life where they're so angry at life,

do. Like that. This partner just doesn't want to grow. They don't want to read personal growth books. They don't want to read they want to grow in the way that the partner is suggesting.

Well, is it having an impact on you, other than the five well time,

because they're afraid that they're going to create distance and that it's they want to be together and right?

They're afraid that they're going to grow, and then they're going to lose interest in their partner's not growing, yeah, but I think that there's.

So this is where I want to step in, because go for it. So this is, like a high, like, high level we're gonna talk about here, okay? Because I'm actually gonna call out the person who's asking this question, because this is really, actually quite important and needs to be said, because people often, like, do this work of personal growth and then get to a place where it's like, oh, like, I get it now. And so I'm gonna tell you, like, right away, like, here's a secret. The idea that your partner has to do something different for them to be in a great relationship with you has more to do with you and your belief about them than it does about them. Yeah. And so if you believe the only way that you can stay with your partner or enjoy your relationship with your partner is if they do the same growth that you're doing, then you probably need more growth than you think, because the growth actually that you could benefit from is to love a person exactly as they are and detach yourself from them needing to be a certain way for you to feel fulfilled in your relationship. Now I'm not saying these you just let everything go and let everything pass. You can still have conversations about growth. You can still introduce a lot of things. That's great, but at the foundational level here, there needs to be a detachment from expectation, which is the story that you create in your head around, If only my partner did this, then this would happen. And in this case, it's If only my partner did the growth that I did, then we would be closer together, or then we would be able to talk about things that

I want to talk about. And I think that's where I was going with the like, boundaries. Like, that's where I was going, like, unless this is something that truly is hurting you or endangering somebody in your relationship? Is there really something to do about it?

Well, it's hurting them in the sense that they don't have what they desire. Yes, yes, it's like being in a sexist marriage. Is that hurting somebody? Yeah,

it does hurt. But at the same time, how can you fulfill those needs yourself? How can you have conversations, healthy conversations about your needs with your spouse? How can you make yourself more desirable, like, without always putting the onus on like, well, when my spouse gets to where I'm at, then we're going to be in a good place. It's like, well, maybe you're already in a good place. Maybe the work that you're doing and the work that you're putting into growing as a person has brought you to a healthier place in your relationship that you were not before, and just because your partner isn't maybe doing the same things as you or experiencing life in the same way as you, it doesn't mean that it's wrong. Are you understanding what I'm trying to say? Yeah, like,

I don't know that we like, I don't think it's a judgment of the like, I think for me, when I hear this question, and I've heard this question a lot, it was a very common thing. Like, yeah, I feel like I've heard this too. Like, almost every single guy in the group, when they join, they're like, is there something like this for wives? And then I mentioned, and that's not quite the same. And my wife was whatever. Like, they're looking for something that like challenge, their challenge, their way of thinking around other really healthy people who are willing to be challenged. And I get that now the work, at least for me, what I think about, is the work is to learn to accept your partner and love them for exactly who they are and continue to honor your experience. Now, what typically happens is, instead of actively engaging in the current scenario, we live in the future state. So we live with either the possible fantasy that we want of our partner. So this is exactly what's happening. If my partner only growed and did x, y and z, then I would be able to or we would be able to whatever fantasy you have. And I only say fantasy like eventually it could be reality. But I'm saying fantasy because it only exists in your head right now. It's not your current reality. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you for thinking that that's actually a very human thing, that you want something, and therefore are trying to create a system where you can get it. That's a very human thing. And at the same time, you need to understand that part of your work as well is to love your partner for exactly who they are now and accept that they might be that way forever. And the process is okay. I'm going to continue to introduce things and continue to model healthy behavior. I'm going to continue to challenge my partner in really healthy ways, through love, through loving firmness, right? Whether that's setting boundaries, introducing new things to the environment. Retirement, asking different questions, encouraging them to come along with you on things, yeah, modeling, yeah, sharing what you're learning, like all that kind of stuff. So that's your work that you can do now that will create change. And there might come a point where you're going to get to this place we call, like, the two choice dilemma, where this might be a make or break for you, and you need to decide that, right? I have never, honestly, I never, because there has been cases we've talked about an impossible partner. I have seen cases where one partner is actively sabotaging the other person's growth, right? But for the most part, when one person is growing and they want their partner to grow is because they're like, living in this fantasy land of what they could have if their partner only grow, like we're able to grow alongside them, and their partner's not actively sabotaging any of their growth, right? And when you understand that, then you're able to actually fuel the growth of the relationship, because any growth that you do and introduce in terms of interaction between your partner will help the relationship. The idea that I got sober just because of me would be a little bit delusional, right? That like that. I was like in a vacuum, and then I got sober, and I just worked it all out myself. No. Lot of conversations I had with you. A lot of seeing you be pissed off. A lot of people in my life being pissed off about it. A lot of people saying, this is hurting me. This is like so what's happening is by people expressing their thoughts, being open, honest, vulnerable, with me, I was able to see things in a different light that I wasn't seeing in my little vacuum. If Kate hadn't said, I'm going to stand up for this, I'm going to tell him, it's not okay. I'm going to set boundaries around this. If she hadn't done her own growth and stepped into that, I would not have been able to step into my own growth and eventually become sober and heal myself, right? And so really important understand is that you have the ability to create exactly what you want, as long as you let go of this idea that if your partner was walking the path with you at the same speed as you, somehow your fantasy would come true. And instead, we always say like, instead of wishing for the partner you want, accept and learn to love the partner you have, and you're going to start to see your partner in a completely different light, and that is actually going to fuel their own growth, their own willingness to come along with you, etc, right? Is that making sense? What I'm saying? Yeah,

I love that. I love that that seeing your partner exactly for who they are, instead of seeing them and wishing they were different, if you start seeing them for who they are, and you start noticing the things that you love about your partner and you're grateful for, it'll be much easier to see them in a different light, and you might actually see that they are doing the work. They're just doing it in a very different way, and they are growing.

Maybe they're growing as a mother, as a parent, as a father, maybe they're growing in their career. Maybe they're growing Yeah,

and I would say any kind of growth that you're doing, don't do it quietly. Don't do it in a secret. It doesn't have to be a secret. If you're enjoying what you're doing and you're seeing the benefits of it like, Be okay with celebrating and telling your partner, like, Hey, I just lost like, 20 pounds because I've been on this cleansing thing lately. Or, Hey, I just I have been meditating every single day, and I have never felt better. Like my body feels lighter. I feel less tense, like I don't have headaches anymore like this, meditating has been magical for me by saying that you're not saying to your partner, hey, you should really start meditating. Maybe we'll get rid of those headaches. But what you're doing is you're sharing your wins, and you're sharing your excitement about something, and that, in itself, might inspire your partner to try something differently. So I think that a lot of times when we grow or when we're working on something personal for ourselves, we tend to do it secretively. We tend to do it like, I don't want to tell anyone about it, like, share it. Share it with people you love, and you might inspire them, and it might push them to try it, and might actually have an impact on their lives too. Yeah,

I absolutely love that.