Why You Don't Feel Like a Priority to Your Spouse

In this episode, Kate and Eric explore how self-perception influences relationships and the deep impact of feeling like you're always second best.

Topics:
➡️ Unpacking Internal Narratives: How our self-stories shape our sense of priority in relationships.
➡️ Self-Sabotage Dynamics: Examining behaviors that reinforce feelings of being secondary.
➡️ Empowering Self-Prioritization: Practical strategies for self-affirmation and changing relationship dynamics.

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TRANSCRIPT:

Eric MacDougall
So today we're talking about putting yourself second, yeah.

Kate MacDougall
So we're actually, we're talking about why you might not be your spouse's priority, and how you feel that you might not be your spouse's priority. Whether that's true or not, is up to you, and we

Eric MacDougall
kind of jammed on this because something you brought up, yeah, about two weeks ago, right?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, a couple weeks ago, I read this article. Somebody had article. Oh, my God, and I'm showing my age this post somebody had shared on their Instagram, and how she realized that in her life, she was always second. She was always, you know, not the first best friend. She was always just like the other best friend. She was always the other. She was always picked second. She was never the first one picked for anything. It was always she was always the second, always coming second best to everything else. And I was like, wow, Eric, like I read that, and for the first time in my life, like I've never had anything resonate with me so loudly, like I felt like I could have wrote that, like I have a lot of friends, I have a lot of good friends, but I always feel like those friends have better friends than me. I, you know, I have put myself in that position in my own family, like I feel like I'm the second favorite daughter, the second favorite, you know, like, I'm definitely not my parents priority. And this is all things like, nobody's ever said this to me. Oh, nobody's ever been like, Kate, you're my second best friend. Or Kate, I like your brother better than you. It's just these are ideas that I've had in my head. And then as we were talking, I was like, I guess I even feel second to you. I feel second best to you. I feel second when it comes to your work. I feel second I'm in second place when it comes to the kids. Like I don't feel like I'm your number one. I don't feel in life like I'm anybody's number one. So when I read that, it was very emotional, and it was very like. Yeah, wow. That really hurts to say that out loud, or to think that out loud, like, wow. Like, I'm nobody's first pick. It's kind of like that feeling again in gym class, right? Yeah, blast, yeah. 100% like, wow. And like, in my life, like, I've gone through my whole life feeling that way, I can see how much it's impacting, yeah, yeah. So that was kind of what I brought up with you, and having that conversation with you then led to another conversation, which, while I catch my breath, you can go on to talk about,

Eric MacDougall
yeah, absolutely. So when you mentioned that, because I didn't want to just accept that that was just a thing in your reality, I wanted to kind

Kate MacDougall
of dive deep, never like, Oh, baby, you're not a second. You're my first. Give me a big hug and I'll show you forever. You're my first. No, Eric's like, let me analyze your mind.

Eric MacDougall
So, because I love like, yeah, human behavior and all that stuff. Anyways, getting so excited, yeah? So the other thing too, that I want to add here is that you know one of my mentors, Carrie, John Bishop, you know, like, fucking awesome author, amazing. Love him. Coach, all that stuff. If

Kate MacDougall
you ever want any of his books by the audio version, it's awesome. Yeah. So

Eric MacDougall
he talks about a lot of his books this idea of, like, you know, accountability for the self, taking responsibility, understanding your own shit, all that stuff. And so, you know, when you were talking about this, I said, Well, yeah, of course that makes sense, that you never feel first. You actively put your like prevent yourself from being first in people's life. And so yeah, of course, like that must feel shitty. It's a very safe place for you not to be anyone's top priority, right? And then we kind of got into it, and the conversation got intense and heated, and we weren't fighting or anything, but certainly we were like dealing with very emotional situations. And the conversation ended up evolving into this idea of how we we have this kind of narrative in our life, whether conscious or unconscious, that we continue playing out over and over and over again, right? And so in this case, you know, when we were talking, I said, Hey, like, have you noticed that, like, you know, in all these areas of your life, you never feel like a top priority, and then in all those areas, you're the common denominator, right? So there must be something within you that is preventing you from being first,

Kate MacDougall
yeah, and it's not because I suck as a person. Well, no, it's actually

Eric MacDougall
the it's actually the opposite. It's, you know, and I think that's maybe what was important to me, and hopefully was giving you a bit of relief, is actually that you put yourself second as a way to of like self preservation, right? Because to be someone's top priority means

Kate MacDougall
that I would have to do more in a relationship, means that I would have to put myself out there, means that I would have to be the friend, to reach out daily and weekly, to do something with you know that my my girlfriends, or be a wife, that's like, hyper, involved, hyper, you know, like, like, just, just, like, the best version of a wife, like, it puts a lot of pressure on me and my head to be that if I'm going to be my my parents number one daughter, like, I'm going to have to be involved more. I'm going to have to go help them when my grandma's down, like, I'm gonna have to be there all the time. I'm gonna have to make them my priority as well.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah. And again, these are all just stories you tell exactly right? Like, this is not factual. This is just like your idea that if you were somebody's first, you have an idea of how you would need to show up exactly,

Kate MacDougall
exactly that. And the truth being, is that I'm not prioritizing anyone in my life other than myself. I've put myself in a situation in my life where I've had to guard myself, guard my heart, guard my my life, my well being. Therefore, in order to stay comfortable and in order to keep myself a priority. I cannot make anybody else a priority. Therefore, it makes sense that I would believe that other people believe the same way as me and cannot make me their priority. Yeah, so

Eric MacDougall
I would actually challenge some of that thinking, because earlier, when you were like, you know, I'm nobody's number one, I was going to add in, not even yourself, because I actually don't think you're your own number one, I think often you're saying yes to a lot of people. Happened this week where you said, I said yes to too many people, and I should have said no, and that essentially, you prioritize other people before yourself when it comes down to it, yeah, that's true, right? So, like, if we're in a situation and you're like, you want something for yourself, and I'm like, Hey, you can't do that because I want it, you'll be like, okay, cool. I'll let go of the things I want so you can get what you want. And so even in the case, right, you're and again, I'm just like, you know, thinking out loud here, but if I would say, like, if you're not able to put yourself first, mm.

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And why would anybody else, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

Eric MacDougall
And so, and I'm not saying, like, you know, a lot of the conversation that we had, and I don't know if this feels true for you, but you know, we were even talking about our marriage, you know, like, I feel second. I feel second. It's like, you know, and again, not to go to deep in the psycho Bible here, which we can in a bit, but like, I my first question was, like, why don't you want to put yourself first?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah. And my answer to that was, well, I can't put myself first, Eric. That's your decision. If you want, if I'm going to be your priority, you have to decide that I'm your priority. I can't decide for you that I'm your priority. That doesn't make sense. And your answer was to that was, yes, you can. If you say I'm Eric's first priority, then you'll start believing that, and you'll start acting and believing, and, you know, seeing evidence that I am your priority, yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And it's that old, I think it's like a Ford quote, but it's like, whether you know, again, I'm I'm saying it in my own words, but like, whether you think you're my first priority or my second priority, you're right, yeah. And so if, like, and both of those are just as true as in, they just exist in your head, and then you look for evidence, right? So that's what I said. Like, it's possible that I you know because you talked earlier, well, I'm not your priority when you went to the men's retreat. And it's like, well, how do you know? How do you know I wasn't thinking about you all the time? How do you know I wasn't writing letters about you? How do you know I wasn't talking about you all the time, right? But to you, you have a different idea of what it means to be prioritized, right?

Kate MacDougall
And had I have, had I had that thought of I am Eric's number one priority, I would just assume that when you were at the retreat, all you did was talk about me. You probably wrote letters about me, probably journaled about me. Probably thought about me all the time. Probably

Eric MacDougall
want to hear from you. You probably want to hear your messages, because you would say, well, Amaris, top priority. You know, I'm sure if I check in on him, he's gonna love hearing from me. But did you think something different? Yeah, you thought about texting me,

Kate MacDougall
don't want to bug him. And then I when I did call you, it was like, Oh, if Eric gets annoyed with this, I'll just say the kids made me do it

Eric MacDougall
so you can see that based on your belief, yeah, now you're like, creating your reality, yeah.

Kate MacDougall
So enough about me. Well, I

Eric MacDougall
think it's such a great example, because I think people do this a lot, and again, like, I have a through line as well, right for me? Like, one of my through lines in my life is that people are going to leave me, right? So that's kind of how I feel. So, so it's not that people leave me. I've had friends and people in my life forever, and you and I have been together 21 years, right? And but because I have that idea, what happens is I naturally create scenarios where I'm never close to people, and people are constantly leaving me, because I actually make it very hard to have a relationship with Me Right, right? And that's based on my own narrative. And so we all have these narratives running in our mind, or the consciously or consciously, and then we not only look for evidence of that being true, but then we actually create it, right? And the best example I give is like, you know, so a lot of times what happens is, like, couples, you know, come to me, and then they're challenged, and they just want to be their partner's priority. They're like, I feel like I'm bottom of the totem pole. I want to be higher up in the totem pole. And then it's like, okay, well, like, how would you feel more prioritized? It's like, well, she would kiss me more, you know, he would go to bed with me at night, or he would send me messages. And then the next step is, okay, so let's say we actually create a practice of that happening, right? Would you feel prioritized? And then they're like, yes, and so we'll do it, and the partner will commit to it and say, Yeah, I'll text you once a day at this time, and I'll come to bed with you, and I'll make sure that I kiss you goodbye in the morning. And that happens for like a week, and we come back and it's like, hey, so I did all the things. Well, blah, blah. And the partner's like, yeah, the partner's like, yeah, I didn't feel prioritized. And then they talk about examples of where they didn't feel prioritized that was outside the original scope. And you know what? What happens long term in these types of relationships? And this is really important here, because we need to understand that the partner is looking to prove his own theory, which is, I am not prioritized. And so then what happens is they're either sabotage or, like, look through those lenses, and essentially, like any anytime they are prioritized, they justify it away. Well, you're just prioritizing me because Eric told you to prioritize me. Oh, you just prioritize me, me because I'm here and it's convenient for you to do this, or you're just prioritizing me because you want something, and so we essentially justify away exactly what we want because it doesn't fit our internal narrative, right?

Kate MacDougall
It just doesn't make sense to us that, you know, all of a sudden, this can change like and it does take practice. It does take time to see things differently than we've grown accustomed to, or that we've grown used to, yeah, and I think that that's, you know, kind of where, where the conversation left with you. And I was like, I. Until I decide that I am number one in people's lives, until I decide that, you know, I have value and I can be people's number ones. And then, you know, start actually believing that and acting, acting it. I'm going to continue having that misconception that people don't want to be around me, that I'm a burden, that all of these, you know, unhealthy narratives that go on in my head, right? Yeah, and I think, go ahead. I don't think I'm alone when it comes to this. I think this is a very, very common thought. I think this is a very normal thing for people to feel and maybe not like constantly, but just like to have moments in their life where they feel like, Holy geez, like I've put myself second for so long. Like I don't feel like anybody puts me first. I don't feel like I'm anybody is looking out for me, or taking care of me, or doing things for me. And then, like you said, right? You say that, the more you say it, the more that becomes true. Then you start seeing evidence of it everywhere. Yes, see this happened today, and that happened today, and this and it's only when you decide to see things differently. It's only when you decide to see like people do care about me, people do want me around. And here's all the evidence, you know. And I think that you know a healthy practice for doing that might be like journaling about it, like, what did people do today to show me that I was a priority, starting to see, like, little evidence of it everywhere.

Eric MacDougall
So I just want to jump in, because so I agree. I agree. There's a there's a step before, and you can tell me if you think I'm kind of off the deep end here. So one of the things we talk a lot about in the group is, you know, before you can be in relationship with other you have to be in relationship with self, right? And so it's actually very hard to believe that other people can prioritize you if you yourself cannot prioritize yourself, right? And so this is where people get stuck, is we actually continue to outsource. My idea was easier, right? So it's easier, but it might not actually lead to real in this case, right? What you're going to do is you're going to go out in the world and you're going to look for evidence where people can that you're a priority to others, yeah, but if you yourself cannot prioritize yourself, so like, if you're not going to take the time to, you know, eat well, if you're not going to take a time to, like, you know, do things that matter to you, yeah, like, like, take care of your health. But even more than that, like, actually take care of yourself, and actually stand up for yourself, and not, like, in a way that's like, F everybody else like to truly love yourself.

Kate MacDougall
Like, learn to say no to things that I truly want to say no to, yeah, like,

Eric MacDougall
for whatever reasons. Like, if you're unable to do that, well, then any sort of outsourcing will not land, right? It's just like, that's what I mean like, because your core narrative is, I am not a priority, because you're living that out within yourself every single day. Yeah.

Kate MacDougall
And I think you're absolutely right. I think that that is, like a foundational piece to, you know, moving away from those, you know, spiraling thoughts My way is definitely easier, because you don't have to do any work, right? You just have to go out and see the things and be like, Oh, this is nice, but you're right. It won't last, because then it'll you'll start seeing it everywhere. But you might not believe it, or you might kind of just land. It won't land, it won't change your experience. Yeah. So I think you're right. I think by prioritizing yourself, by saying yes to things that you want, by saying no to the things that aren't serving you right now in this season, I think that by gaining trust in yourself, it'll be easier for you to gain trust in others?

Eric MacDougall
Yeah? And I see this with, like, so many people, like, I couldn't agree more. And, you know, this is idea that, like, we're outsourcing love from others, right? So it's like, unless somebody loves me, I'm unlovable, right? And so that's kind of, that's kind of the narrative that happens. We think love is out there, right? And so it's like, and it's like, something you get, like, that's, that's the worst thing. It's like, you think love is something you get, yeah? Like, what are you doing when you get love? Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
yeah. Brianna Weiss has that a huge part of her book is that, yeah,

Eric MacDougall
like, love is, Love is something that you can, you know, create. It's everywhere. It's everywhere. You just don't have access to it, right? You're kind of blocked to it. It's like a natural experience state. So anyways, other words, you mean that, but like, what I'm saying is, if you're seeking love from your partner constantly, and you yourself don't believe you're lovable unless your partner loves you. It actually you get to a place where it doesn't matter what your partner does, you're gonna continue to get them to, like, jump through hoops and show you different kinds of love. Oh, like, Yeah, you did kiss me, but only because I told you. Oh yeah, you did kiss me this time, and I didn't tell you, but it was only because you remember last time I got mad about

Kate MacDougall
it, classic one, you're only buying me flowers because I asked you to all that stuff, right? And

Eric MacDougall
so what I often tell men I work with, like the first step, is, if you're seeking love and affection for another person, there's nothing wrong with that. That's great, right? And receiving love and affection from another does feel good. It's a great experience of connection. Listen, we're. Talking about, like, the oxytocin in your body. Actually, you get a hit of it. But if you're do not have the ability to love yourself, you actually, then can't you don't have a foundation for other people to love you on, yeah, right. And so what we talk about a lot is, like, the analogy of the cake, right? The cake and the icing. It's like, like, if you don't have a cake that your partner can ice with their love, they're just, like, icing a plate,

Kate MacDougall
yeah? Or even a healthy cake, right? Like, if your cake's too hot, if your kid's too soft, like, you can ice it all you want, but it's not, the icing is not going to stick right, melt off, it's going to absorb it's going to just be a big, crummy,

Eric MacDougall
yeah, and so, yeah. Coming back to the original tie this episode, which is like, you know why you might be putting your you know why you might not feel like a priority to your partner? Right? Listen, I'm not saying it's possible that you've been asking for what you want and you believe it, and sometimes your your partners won't prioritize you, and now you have bigger discussions that I think are really important to have with yourself, right? Is around, like, what type of relationship do Am I putting up with? Do I want to continue to be in a relationship? And these are like, complex questions, right, especially when kids and families are involved and all that stuff. But really ask yourself, like, how are you prioritizing yourself?

Kate MacDougall
Yeah, before going there, before going to like, well, is this the relationship I want? Is like, am I even prioritizing myself? Am I even taking time to build trust in myself to make myself an important part of my own life. And a lot of people, I'm

Eric MacDougall
sure, listening to this, and they're like, just, oh, I can't because and, well, I got kids and I'm busy, and Oh, that's easy for you guys to say, like, my wife won't let me and you just now you're just like, explaining away why you can't prioritize yourself, which you're just like, gathering up more evidence why you're not a priority. And so if you you don't have the ability to prioritize yourself, if you're not putting a line in the sand and saying, I'm taking an hour once a week for myself to go do whatever the hell I want, right? And if that means I got to get the kids babysat or ask my partner to take care of them, or, like, Whatever, I'm taking this hour for myself, right? And what I decided in that hour is my business. I'm doing it. I'm giving myself some love. I'm taking care of myself, et cetera. If you're not able to prioritize yourself, it's going to be very hard for you to believe you're a priority in anyone's life, and so make that a focus this week. Ask yourself, how can I prioritize myself more so that I can believe that I am lovable and can be a priority to others?