Why You Don't Actually Need to Fix your Marriage

This episode discusses the misleading idea of a "quick fix" for marriages and emphasizes the importance of commitment, growth, and realistic expectations in relationships.

Topics:
➡️ The myth of the "quick fix" in marriages and how it's marketed.
➡️ The importance of honest, direct communication in coaching and relationships.
➡️ Commitment to growth over the idea of "fixing" a marriage, recognizing marriage as an infinite

Book Your Breakthrough Plan

FREE RESOURCE - The Communication Guide

TRANSCRIPT:

Eric MacDougall
Today we're talking about so I actually wanted to kind of frame this because So we're essentially the theme of the episode is this idea of fixing your marriage, like the quick fix, like all that kind of stuff that you see out there. And really what's being sold to a lot of people, especially men. And I only say this because I do men's work. You know, I do work with couples, but for the most part, I work with men. And so I don't necessarily see like the women's side of things, right? But I'm sure there's women out there who are also looking for a quick fix and being sold, there's a quick fix and all that stuff, for instance, what's being marketed to us. And I had a conversation with somebody the other day who was interested in working together, and, you know, I talked to every single guy before we work together, and to make sure it's a good fit on both sides. And we had, like, a very candid conversation. And I typically, on these calls, I'm very open and upfront, right about, hey, this is kind of what you're

Kate MacDougall
experiencing on the calls and life in general. That's just you, Eric, you're open and upfront,

Eric MacDougall
right? So I guess, like, I don't, like, you know, I guess I have enough respect, especially with these men, like, you know, they're in a tough spot. It's like, I want to tell you in a really loving way and respectful way, like, the truth, like, that's really important in the way that I see it, right? And so again, that's, that's really important to say. And so anyways, I shared something with this man, and we were talking about it, and we kind of got to his challenge, and I kind of like, explained to him what I'm looking at and and what I'm seeing him saying. And I said, Hey, like, is that fair to say that this is what you're experiencing? And he said, No one's ever said it to me like that. I have been talking and trying to do this work for over a year, and nobody has ever told me what you just told me. And, and he said, Thank you, which was very like upfront, very direct to the point, you know, we were strictly talking about this idea of love and, like, I love her, and it's like, well, if you really did love her, this is, might be what it looks like, but actually, what you're describing is fear, and you're you're trying to hold on to this because you're scared. Yeah, what's gonna happen? I'm

Kate MacDougall
just gonna go off on like, a little tangent for like, five seconds here. And I think that that's the beauty of coaching, right? Because I think that when something goes wrong in your life, or something is going kind of off through the rails, you go and you often, people will seek professional help, seek help from friends and family, but it's very hard to find help that is honest and direct. When you talk to a therapist, they're not going to tell you like you need to end your marriage, or you need to XYZ, like they're just like, oh yes, Mm hmm. Tell me more about that. When you talk to your friends and family, oftentimes, like, like, I know as women like you, often get these replies of like, Oh, he's such an a hole. Oh, my God. Ew, yeah. Oh, my God, you're so right? He's such an a hole. But nobody is being direct and upfront with telling you, like, Hey, have you ever thought about this? And I think that that's what the beauty of coaching is, is like as coaches, oftentimes you kind of have the liberty to be that direct and to be like, Hey, can I tell you things, like, men to men here, woman to woman. Like, can I talk to you directly? Yeah? And I think that that's a very, very, it's like a breath of fresh air. It's very like, Oh, wow. Well, and so I actually want

Eric MacDougall
to touch on that, because I love you took this tangent. And you know, we are going to get to kind of the meat of it here a little bit. But, um. I do think there's somebody said, like, I have to honor this man as well, because not every man is willing to receive that. Yeah? And like, be open to it, right? Yeah. So this man was emotionally intelligent enough, smart enough, understanding enough that when I told him, like, he was able to receive it, yeah, I'm not telling him, like, what, I don't tell him what to do. I just, like, say what I'm what I'm seeing, yeah, what I'm noticing, and then I kind of give it back to him. And so there is something to be said about to this man, about, like, his level of intelligence, his level of openness, his level of courage to receive something like that. Because I've also spoken to other men, and when I say something like that, they immediately close themselves off to it. You know, where they say, like, that's, that's not a like, you're, that's not true. But, and then they start arguing with me, and I'm like, Oh, hey dude. Like, oh, hey, dude. Like, I'm not arguing with you. Like, you can keep whatever story you want. This is just what I'm noticing. Yeah? And then I'm kind of very honest, like, if you're looking for this specific tangible thing in 30 days, like, that's not something that I do, yeah, right? That's

Kate MacDougall
another thing I kind of wanted to touch on, is, like, these promises, right? Everywhere you go, you know, there's, you know, lose X amount of weight in 30 days. You know, get your wife bigger muscles in 30 days. It's like, everything's in 30 days. And you're like, Oh, my God, I like, I really, to me dislike those promises. And I get why they're done. It's a marketing tactic. I get it like you have to kind of find a way to get your audience and get people and get people in your in your you know, serve people in your business. But there's other ways to do it, and it's just very difficult because of all these 30 days, 30 days, 30 days, we have these ideas of like, oh, so it is possible to fix my marriage in 30 days, because I've seen 100 you know, ads saying, fix your marriage in 30 days. So this must be possible. And we're not saying it's not,

Eric MacDougall
no, and I think this is really important to say, right? Is that, like, it depends on your idea of what fixing your marriages mean. It depends on where you're at. Like, there's so many variables here. And I think what I want to get into in kind of the meat of the discussion, is, I the discussion is really this idea that, like, marriage is an infinite game, right? Like, and this is, like, Simon cynics work, he talks about this idea of the infinite game, but like, like, nobody wins at marriage. It's not like, you know, you don't do one of these programs. Like, people don't come into EMC and do the program like, I've won, like I've won it, I have it, right? It is really important understand, and even us, like we're pretty open about it, right? Like we face challenges, right? And the more we go into depth of connection, the more we try to discover our sexuality, the more we try to be, more of ourselves within relationship, the more challenges we face, yeah, right. And I think this is what people don't understand is, is there's an idea that, like, I am going to get to a place where, like, it's just bliss, like, where I've solved it, yeah,

Kate MacDougall
and in all honesty, when we started this journey, our journey of our marriage, and I was trying to fix something, I was trying to get to a place where I was going to, you know, win our marriage, that we were going to be at a place where we were going to be good, we were going to be perfect. We were going to, you know, not fight anymore, not argue. And I remember many therapists, many coaches, telling me, like Kate, you are always going to argue. You are always going to fight. What we need to work on is healthy arguments, healthy communication, healthy fights, right? So there was never going to be a place where we were not going to fight anymore. There was never going to be a place where we weren't going to disagree. We're two completely different humans who are going to disagree on things. So yeah, that idea of, like, fix your marriage in 30 days, it's the exact same idea as lose 100 pounds in 30 days. Well, once you lose that 100 pounds, if you go back to your old habits, or you just continue kind of doing quid pro quo like, pro quo like, you'll

Eric MacDougall
have the success of losing 30 pounds, for sure.

Kate MacDougall
For sure, you're gonna lose the weight, but then you got to keep going, Yeah, and if you just continue and go back to what it was like, well, you're just gonna gain the weight back that you you lost. So it's the same thing in your marriage,

Eric MacDougall
yeah. And I think this is where like, the idea of like, I need to prove something to them, or like, you know, if I could just fix this. And I think what we want our listeners to understand is that if you're in relationship with with another, you are going to experience discomfort, and sometimes you're going to be wanting to bang your head against the wall. And it's funny, like, we even have this conversation with our kids, right? They're like, like, how come we're always like, you know, arguing, like, sometimes we'll have, like, these tense weeks or weekends, right, where we're all kind of stressed out. And like, it's we're always arguing like, oh, man, this is so hard. And we say, like, yeah, like, Relationships are hard, being in real. Relationship with another is hard and and it's beautiful and it's awesome, and we're gonna have all these great connecting moments, and sometimes we're just gonna be angry at each other, because that's what being in relationship is like. And I think it's really important to take that on, because that actually then completely shifts your focus because, because then it's not about how do I fix this thing, right? It actually becomes about, how can I continue to commit to this relationship and to this growth? Yeah,

Kate MacDougall
and I think that that's kind of my ick like, fixing things, that's kind of my ick word. It's like, you can't fix a relationship. Your relationship's not broken. You know, if you look up the definition of broken like, you can't break a relationship, it is physically impossible. Like but you have behaviors. You have things in your relationships. You have ways of showing up in your relationships or not showing up in your relationships, that are, you know, causing maybe an unhealthy dynamic, or maybe unhealthy ways of communicating or of being in relation with your spouse. So when you're looking at fixing your marriage, I think it's not so much like, How can I fix this marriage so we can get to a place so it works and like we're happy again, it's more I'm going to look internally and I'm going to see you know, how am I showing up in this marriage, and what are things that I can do that will create a more healthy marriage for us, that will make my wife or myself feel safer in this marriage. Fixing marriage is impossible, but showing up differently in your marriage very much is,

Eric MacDougall
yeah, and I think when you move into that, right, like, so the first step is really, like, if you get out of the fixed mentality, if you get out of like, hey, I need to solve this problem, and then my marriage problem, yeah, so great, right? And I think if you decide to move into, okay, I'm committed to, you know, showing up, putting in effort, understanding myself, facing my own challenges, right, which are really just being reflected in relationship, and then really, you know, making even more of an effort to seek to understand, instead of Judge, because, because, again, even if you're Saying, and we're going deep here, which is, if you believe your marriage is broken, that is actually a judgment, right? And so saying your marriage is broken and saying you're broken and saying your wife's This is like the best one, right now, my wife's a narcissist. Everyone's a narcissist. Like, yeah, narcissist is like the new like, what a judgment label that we put on people that's like, anyways, don't get me to that. But instead saying, Hey, how can I understand what's going on? How can I understand how I'm showing up? How can I understand what's going on for my partner? And that takes a commitment. Because you know, if you're uncommitted to the relationship, why would you ever care about understanding another, if you're just focused on your own pain and trying to get what you want, well, then actually, there's no value in understanding another other than just trying to manipulate. Other than just trying to manipulate them, right? And so I think it's really important to, number one, decide whether or not you're committed to the relationship, and that is like the first step, because a lot of people, they're only committed to the relationship on the condition that they will get what they want in the end, otherwise they're unwilling to put an effort. And I see a lot of people out there, they're searching for the answer that will get their wife to do something or be a certain way, and until they find that answer, they are not willing to put

Kate MacDougall
a commitment. Yeah, and that's exactly what was happening with me when we first started this journey. I literally remember talking to my my therapist, when I was in therapy by myself, and saying, like, is there not just like, a magic pill I can take, like, just to make myself feel different, so that I can, I can like, so that we can be happy again? Like, is there not just like, like, a magic formula, or like, you know, go on one day to weekend and your marriage will be great? And she laughed. She was like, Well, no, no, there's not like you can do those things, but it's many little things that lead to, you know, the bigger picture that will actually come and change the way your marriage is, the current dynamic in your marriage. And unfortunately, what happens is, and this has happened to us numerous times, again and again and again. We're gonna go through our marriage. We're gonna, you know, hit an obstacle, and then we're gonna be like, oh, something's not working. Red light, we realize, okay, red light, something's not working. We either get professional help. We either, you know, talk it out between us, figure it out together, and then, okay, all of a sudden it's like, okay, things are kind of back on track. Things are feeling better. I think, like the things we put into place are kind of working now. Like, great, okay, it's kind of smooth sailing for a few days, weeks, hours, and then, oh, something else comes up, new season, new challenge, and then we're okay. Now we gotta do that again. And so this idea of fixing your marriage, well, your marriage isn't broken. You're just in a season of your marriage that is difficult right now, or you're just facing a challenge, or your husband is facing a challenge which is having an impact on the marriage, or your wife is facing a challenge which is having an impact on the marriage, and because of that, you together as a couple, need to face this head first.

Eric MacDougall
Yeah, and I love what you're saying. And I think, you know, if we're getting kind of into the deep end here as well, which is, you know, I'm sure there's people out there listening, like, yeah, that's all great. But like, my wife's committed to ending the marriage, like she doesn't want to be with me, or, you know, she's saying, somebody's saying, like, My husband actually is just out, you know, God's foot out the door. He ready. He's already served me papers, whatever. What we really want, you know, all of you listeners to kind of take away is that as humans like, we're always in relationship, and a big part of the work is deciding how you want to show up in relationship based on the context of that relationship. And I think this is where a lot of people and I think this is where, like, you know, that sobering discussion came with this man, which is he was talking to a lot of people that were like, Hey, dude, like, if you spend this amount of money, I got the 10 steps to do to save your marriage, to get your wife to do this. And you know, for him, he was just like, okay, like, that's kind of sounds great. You know, he had told me he invested in different programs, all that stuff. And I told him straight up. I was like, Dude, I was like, Dude, I just want to tell you, like, it's possible that your marriage gonna end. Like, let's just be real here. That's a total possibility. Who knows what the future is? None of us can know what the future is. But what I think you can do is you can improve the way that you're showing up in the current context of your relationship, which is, you know, your wife standoffish. She's like, talking about ending the marriage. Like, you can try to prevent your marriage from ending, or you can actually show up in a healthier way within this context. And I see a lot of people out there like delude themselves, because I'm just totally being real here, like in respect for honest, some marriages will end, and it doesn't matter what you do. If your partner is unwilling to be in relationship with you. It's not love to try to get them to stay in a relationship they don't want to be part of, right? And Kate and I, we talk about this like, it's incredibly challenging. It's so painful. Like, don't get me wrong, the ending of marriage is incredibly painful, and not only does it impact you, but it also impacts your kids, you know? Yeah, the ecosystem, it has waves. But let's be real here, like a relationship is one where both partners want to commit to and if one of you is no longer committed to the relationship and really like serious about that, they've done the work. They've decided, Hey, I've put in as much as I'm willing to, I'm actually committed to ending the relationship, well then it's probably best to have an open discussion about that, because it's not love to try to convince somebody to stay in a marriage because you're afraid to go back in the dating scene, or you're afraid of what's gonna happen to your kids, or you're afraid of what's gonna happen in your finances. And again, like I'm not discounting how incredibly challenging it is, but I just do not like people out there that are continuing to sell this idea that is helping men be delusional, and it's like, dude, I'm sorry. Like, your your wife literally served you divorce papers. She's living in another state with another man. It what's probably best here is to think about the based on the context of your reality. How do you want to show up? Because I don't think jumping on calls and trying to get people to like, give you advice on how to save a marriage is a good idea right now, no, and, and that is a hard truth that I think is not being said to us because it's too hard to face, right? And so anyways, I'm starting to kind of go deep on this rant here, because for me, I'm just tired of people out there, or men out there, being like, yeah, it's gonna be okay. Keep fighting, instead of actually respecting the person and loving the person enough to say, Dude, I'm sorry. And

Kate MacDougall
I think it goes even further than that, like I think it's out of respect for yourself, out of love for yourself. Why are you continuing to chase something that is no longer you know. If your wife is literally living somewhere else with another man, has made the decision, love yourself enough to show up in your life, for yourself, for your kids, possibly as this, you know, newly single man or single woman, you know, depending on on your situation. And you know, proving to yourself I am worth this. I am worth loving, and I will love myself first before allowing anybody else to make me question that. And oftentimes, not all the time, but oftentimes when people around you, people from your circle, start seeing you, have that self respect, have that self love for yourself, they see this shift in the person you're becoming. And you either decide, like in the end. Didn't need this marriage to validate myself. I just needed to love myself enough, and this marriage was just like, kind of like a crutch for me to be like, well, somebody loves me, yeah? But when you find that self love, when you find yourself and you're able to root in your own body and really love yourself. You'll realize that, like you can do anything, and then you'll realize I'm worthy of love, and I'm worthy of receiving love and accepting love. And you'll find it again, whether it's with the person who left you, or a new person, or in a, you know, hobby, you'll find it again, yeah.

Eric MacDougall
And I think this so important to say right, as we kind of end here, which is, like, when you go through that process. And some people, you know, this is kind of the hard part, is some people need to hit their rock bottom. Some people, like, the end of a marriage is actually the catalyst for their, like, Discovery transformation. For some people, it happens before that. For some people, it happens way after. It happens way after that. For some people, doesn't have it at all, but really understanding that through the work that you're talking about, which is like, hey, you know, I'm gonna be okay, this relationship does not define me. I can still show up in a really great way. I can still be this amazing person. I can still love myself and love others, and love is everywhere, right? It's everywhere, right? You just have to open yourself up to it. What often happens is actually all your relationships improve, yes, including the relationship with the mother of your kids, including the next relationship you go in, like I've seen this time and time again. How many people have we talked to who have you know now are in a second relationship after their marriage and like, everything is better, yeah,

Kate MacDougall
or even who have rekindled that first relationship, and it's never been better. Yeah, you know. So it's like, I mean, I'm not saying, like, leave your marriage and then hope that it's gonna come back together. Like, no, like, just go on loving yourself. And whatever happens, happens, you know, whatever will be, will be, but, you know, and like, now we've gone down the rabbit hole of like leaving marriages and things like that. Like, it's not to say that all marriages can't be fixed, but really looking at your own situation and thinking, Well, where is my relationship at? Am I worth Am I willing to put in the time and energy this is going to take, do I love this person enough? Do I love myself enough to put in this time and energy and then continue putting in this time and energy? So, yeah, maybe, like, you'll fix your communication, but then after that, there's going to be more challenges to face, and there's going to be more things to do. And is this a person that you're willing to do this for, yeah,

Eric MacDougall
and I think this is so important, right? Which is, am I, like, Are you committed to showing up for this relationship, even if it means your relationship is not going to go the way you want, right? And I think that's kind of what was a big transformation to us, you know, I remember, like, for me, at least, I was like, you know, came to the catalyst. Things were clearly not working, and I remember telling you, hey, at this point I have to improve. It's not even about, like, say, like, you can leave me if you want. Like, at this point I just need to, I'm still going to be doing the work. Yeah, I'm going to keep figuring out how to love you, and if you it's because we're, our marriage has ended, and we're co parents. I will be the fucking best co parent ever. I'm going to do my best to do my best to be the best dad ever, and we're going to make this work, not not on the condition that you stay with me. It's actually just a commitment that I'm making to myself and in a way, to relate. And so if I improve, and we talk about this a lot, even in our marriage, we don't know what's going to happen 1020, years down the road, right? We could face challenges that essentially make us, hey, it's, you know, time to call it, but that doesn't it's not conditional, like the work that I do and the work that you do, showing up for each other is not conditional. Okay, I'm only going to do this as long as you continue to decide to be

Kate MacDougall
married to me, yes, and that is a difficult decision to make every day, you know, especially when things are rough, especially when things aren't going the way you want, and especially when things are rough for a long time, it's a difficult decision to make. You know, when I remember when we made that commitment to each other, when we said, divorce is off the table, let's do this headfirst, like, let's go. It was like, That was a hard decision. And there was some days where I was like, I regret saying that, because, Dang, this is a lot of work. And I remember talking to therapists and being in tears and being like, it's not supposed to be this hard, and it doesn't have to be that hard. It's the way you see a relationship that makes it hard. If you see your relationship as work, if you see your relationship as broken, if you've convinced yourself that your relationship is a problem, well, that's that's all your brain is going to think about. But if you look at your relationship as a journey, if you look at your relationship as you know, an opportunity, an opportunity. To grow to become a new version, a better version of yourself, for yourself and for others, then you're winning.